Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Grandma's Pies
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Wrote this in last night's one hour writng contest, and it survived. I know there are a few speeling errors, but that because I had limited time and had to rush to finish. In-depth please. Thanks!
|Humour:||6||Alright, here's the deal: you've got a good concept, and this could make a pretty solid article. However, as of right now, it is, quite simply, a mess. I think what bothered me the most about the article was that you started off fairly simple (boy wants to visit grandma to eat her pies), then introduced a bunch of unnecessary characters. As of right now, it seems to me like you're stretching the entire joke rather thin, so I think you're going to need to rewrite parts of this article in order to give it more narrative cohesion and focus. First off, get rid off the grandpa. He doesn't add anything to the story other than two lines about Nazis and Japanese which don't really belong in the story you're trying to tell. Second off, as I said above, stay focused. What i'd recommend is, instead of introducing other family members, try writing in the article in a sort of "stream-of-consciousness" way-as in, have the kid narrate the article. Look at Dexter's article, Idiots-notice how he veers off into different subjects, but stays focused on the overall theme? That's what you should try doing. In the section "Other family members", try doing something along the lines of this:
"Everyone in our family LOVES grandma's pies. They're so awesome! Oh, hi auntie Terra! Are you here to have some of grandma's pies too? They're amazing!"
In short, keep things locked in the kid's first person perspective, and make the article appear to us as a one-sided conversation. I think that approach will suit you best.
|Concept:||7.5||I like this concept, and I think if you polish your writing style a bit, it could work very well. However, I think you should eliminate the stage directions-instead of writing like a play, keep things in the kid's perspective. Also, you might want to consider adding a few anecdotes that make grandmother a little stranger then she's presented. Take Filial Piety, for example- throughout that entire article, there are subtle hints that the grandfather is a pervert. Try something like that.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||Messy. I think what you need to work on most is giving this article a thorough spell check-I know you had to rush through it, but now you have more time to work on it, so that should be what you focus on first. You also might want to consider adding a few more images in the respective sections so the article doesn't get too tedious (more on that below).|
|Images:||6.5||I think your images need some work. I suggest replacing that first image with a similair one, just without a big "IC" in the middle. The second one is a little distracting, and doesn't really add anything to the article, so you might want to replace it with a generic "old lady" picture. Your third image is alright, but the whip cream is so big that the pie sort of gets knocked out of the picture. I'd recommend replacing it with an image of a similair pie, only less close up and focused. The "doing great things" section could use an image from a western, since that's what you're describing-my suggestion? This guy.|
|Miscellaneous:||6||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||31||Basically, you've got a good concept, and one that could lead to a funny article, but it's still very rough around the edges. Overall, i'd focus on correcting your spelling and grammar as well as your narrative tone. Perhaps consider adding a few more images as well-they never hurt. Good luck!|
|Reviewer:||Saberwolf116 19:23, June 29, 2010 (UTC)|