Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Grand Theft Auto: Bikini Bottom Stories

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edit Grand Theft Auto: Bikini Bottom Stories

Alexander the Great 06:37, 24 October 2008 (UTC)

Masaru

PEE REVIEW IN PROGRESS

Hyperbole is engaged in the dual processes
of giving you his opinion and pretending you care.
Humour: 5 Hey, Alexander. Obviously, Pee Review's been a little sluggish lately, and obviously, you want to move on this article and see if it's up to being featured on the site. The answer is: no. Not yet. But it could be. So... let's get it there.
  • Lede: It's not bad. The second sentence needs to be rewritten, as it's nearly incoherent. The lede mostly establishes the concept, and the concept is funny. Be careful of making a joke that consists merely of saying something that's the opposite of reality. Saying that the GTA series is "highly unsuccessful" isn't really very funny. Saying that the GTA series is an attempt to increase police funding by raising the crime rate might be a bit better. Maybe not. The ESRB joke works a little better, but it runs into the same problem - it's just saying what's contrary to reality. Saying that it's rated "Utterly Toxic" and that the ESRB keeps the only copy locked up in a safe might be funnier. It's up to you.
  • Setting: This section is a little short, and I notice there are no links in it. Also, there aren't really any jokes in it: it's still just establishing the concept of the article. You can't dwell too long on setup without a punchline, or people will lose interest and wander off. Also, "200 levels" isn't really satire, since GTA doesn't have levels. It would be better to parody reviews of the game and talk about its "vast, immersive environment" or some such thing.
  • Plot: Again, no links. Honestly, I don't know enough about SpongeBob to know if that half of the satire is funny here. But there isn't really anything that satirizes GTA's plotlines. There isn't anything about finding new hideouts for reasons that have nothing to do with the plot and everything to do with save points. Or about the token dominatrix psychopath girl who appears in every incarnation of the game. Or about "hidden packages" inexplicably scattered everywhere. Or about how your character manages to attract a legion of loyal followers despite being a psychopathic killer who occasionally walks off piers by accident. See where I'm going with this?
  • Major characters: Okay, this section is a problem. First of all, the satire is verrry light: the article combines SpongeBob characters with a GTA persona, but it doesn't do it in a way that makes fun of either SpongeBob or GTA. More importantly, what you have here is basically a repetitive list - which is the bane of all Uncyclopedia articles. Wikipedia has lists because they're informative, but Uncyclopedia tries hard to destroy them, because they are almost never funny. Lists are usually an attempt to tell a bunch of lame jokes and hope that even one sticks to the wall. Everyone who's been here for a while knows that, and when we see them, we roll our eyes and click over to another article. No, if you're going to do a "characters" section, you should definitely keep it in prose/paragraph form.
  • Gameplay: It's pretty much describing the gameplay of GTA. Where's the jokes?
  • Weapons: It's listy, and that's not good. I guess it's amusing to put bubble gum in the "artillery" category, but unless SpongeBob has a weird history of using bubble gum as a weapon, it would be a lot funnier to put something in that was actually relevant to the SpongeBob universe. Otherwise, it's just a list of GTA weapons with a few things that obviously don't belong.
  • Vehicles: Exactly the same problem.
Concept: 7 Combining two pop culture universes into one definitely has comedy potential. On the other hand, combining something for children with something twisted is a concept that's been done many times, and more often than not, has been done badly. We've had a dozen "Barney is EVIL" articles that have had to be deleted almost immediately for total lack of good. Your article isn't nearly that bad, but be careful not to fall into traps like relying entirely on the image of SpongeBob with a gun as your comedy. It's not funny enough to carry an article by itself: you still need to tell jokes.
Prose and formatting: 5 The prose is problematic. These sentences are very short. They're all structured Subject-Verb-Object. Most of them start with a pronoun. Often, several sentences in a row start with the same pronoun. It gives the article a really choppy, repetitive, staccato feel. Try to mix it up a bit. As for the formatting, the listiness is a problem but everything else is just fine.
Images: 8 The game box is a little sloppy, but serviceable. SpongeBob as a gangsta is perfect for the article. The dead crab may be a problem: in my opinion, articles are always better when the pictures are either all cartoons or all photographs. Mixing them always seems like a recipe for disaster, since it muddies the concept of the article.
Miscellaneous: 5 Five seems like the appropriate Miscellaneous Score.
Final Score: 30 You've got a decent concept, some good images for it, and a good starting point. What the article needs now is more jokes, and more jokes that directly make fun of both GTA and SpongeBob. What it also needs is to lose those lists. Keep working on it; you'll get it there. Good luck!
Reviewer: Tinymasaru.gifpillow talk 18:36, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
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