Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Golf War (Rewrite)
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This article was originally created in mid-October, with a review having been made two weeks or so later by UU. Entranced by the mention of a VFH, I was ready to listen to all the remarks and suggestions made in the aforementioned review, and promised to get to work as soon as I got back from being out of the country for a week. In the past few days, I've glanced at UU's review several more times in between rewrites, thinking about what should be cut out, left in, expanded, added and whatever. There are little titbits of changes throughout the article, and I would suggest that anyone who has read the first version, read the new version word for word so nothing new is missed out.
Of UU's review, I pondered the suggestions he made. I stuck my guns with the info-box being rather overwhelming upon the rest of the article, although I did sort out the mess of random spaces, so the text looks more snug. Also, I decided to add emphasis on expanding the article so the prose overwhelms the info-box instead. Infomation-wise, at least. UU suggested references, of which I gave a think through and added more events that could be referenced. I resized the AK-47 image (as well as changing the caption, so it rhymes with the content in it's new section, "Insurgent retaliation".), added the idea of the Afghanistan War being another golf tour and etc. UU was very helpful in this review and with my time in Uncyclopedia in general.
Notable differences between the new version of this article to old:
- Another 'origin' for the list. This looks at the history of the Middle East, namely Iraq and Afghanistan, turning into militaristic states, although to conform with the pun, the history is written with golfing terms and the like. References to the previous 'golf war' in the early 90's (Note: I was too busy being born at the time to pay attention to this conflict) was suggested by UU. I decided to add a few more references, even if they lean towards Afghanis.
- An extra image. If you look at any article on Wikipedia regarding a conflict, it will most likely have a image depicting a montage of related events of the war, which is placed above the info-box. I created such an image and added it to the article, adorned with a caption.
- Focus on "Insurgent retaliation" section. UU regarded this section to be the weakest in the whole article. I saw the point in this and thought about how to improve it. I placed the blame on the section, not only being short, but not really being about the Iraqi insurgency going down anyway (as the section was just used for plugging a martyr suicide joke). I expanded on this, the most notable edit being the poor equipment of the Iraqis. This also exploits the AK-47 pun a little more.
- Various edits. These include the typos pointed out by UU, mini-expansion of the (still) short "2008 conflicts", extra references crammed in, attempts to make the article seem more about golf than an actual explosive conflict, mention the return to the old Ryder Cup format, a couple more <ref*> notes and so on.
- A brand new car! Not really.
So I'm aiming at a VFH with this new version. I wanted to focus on rewriting this article before moving onto new ideas (of which are currently dancing with anticipation in my head), so I could leave no stone unturned and the enemy smoked out.
Nachlader 21:29, 6 November 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||10||Awesome. I was pleasantly surprised with this one, and its one of the better articles I've seen overall. I love it. Honestly can't think of any good criticisms.|
|Concept:||10||Classic play on words.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||I get weird about when articles here are written in a way that doesn't follow how a real Wikipedia article would. For example, one part says "These disrupters were, in fact, Islamic Extremists". The "in fact" asserts the reality of something, but it isn't how a real wiki article would be written, which I think lowers the value of any article to a degree here. This deviation of style I saw elsewhere in there too.|
|Final Score:||44||Overall, awesome article. I'd work on the formatting/prose comment I made before and make it as if it were a "real" wiki article, other than that, I love it and you did a great job :-).|
|Reviewer:||Prof. Ahh(to the)Diddums 08:50, 13 November 2008 (UTC)|