Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Golf War

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edit Golf War

Alright, first of all, I realise this was an article that had been deleted early last year for lack of expansion. This is a completely new idea and it carries two days of work that I'm proud of and confident that it won't be VFD worthy.

Secondly, if you claim to be ignorant in golfing matters, then that is far from being a problem. I don't know a thing about golf either. In fact, I had to keep a web browser of a Wikipedia article on golf handy just to see what things I could write about. I also did some research on the Iraq War to refresh my mind on what to write about.

The humour gets cheesy at times and the images are absurd, but nonetheless comedic to my heart's content. Apart from the second image (of golfers in a bunker), I edited all of the pictures I used.

I tried using various methods to make this article good, the military infobox, an origins section, an invasion section, an ongoing conflict section, images displaying golf and war, a box of humour references to serious websites and so on.

Nachlader 22:39, 20 October 2008 (UTC)

I really liked it. The last picture of the Shiite with the club could be better though. --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent Icons-flag-au Noobaward Wotm Unbooks mousepad GUN 12:40, 23 October 2008 (UTC)
UUtea A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter UU Manhole
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).

You've been doing a bunch of reviews recently, so I figure it's only fair someone takes a look at one of yours in good time. And that someone shall be me. --UU - natter UU Manhole 12:35, Oct 23

Humour: 7 Good. I like the idea, and I like where you're going with this. The images add plenty to the article, and in general this got a few chuckles from me. I like the idea of Saddam's membership being annulled, and the general contrast of war with a civil sport like golf is good fun. I think you can make more of this though. Sometimes you confuse things, referring to war one line, golf the next - you need to try and make it more consistent - I'll make more of this in the concept section.

I like the "bored of the Ryder Cup" bit - not so sure about the insurgency bit. Not that it isn't relevant, but I think it's the weakest section - as if you wanted to refer to it, but didn't really know how to do it in the context of the article. Possibly you could do this with references to the history of the Ryder cup (used to be UK v USA, but the after a while the UK wasn't enough, so they were allowed to bring in the rest of Europe - a parallel with that could be nice.

Concept: 8 Heh, I like it. I like puns in general, and the pun here sets up a really good, fun concept that allows you plenty of comedic room. You've taken that concept and run with it, which I like too - many people stray from their original idea, but your article, is pretty consistent throughout, and sticks to its target well.

However, I think you should make more effort to hint at war through golfing terms and creative linking, rather than spell it out through less subtle language. "Terrorist attack", for instance, is less than subtle. Try referring to it as a green invasion similar to the Americans in the Ryder Cup a few years back - the incongruity of the comparison should highlight the absurdity if approached the right way. Similarly, refer to Saddam not as a tyrant, but as a maverick golfer with a control streak or something - compare him to an Iraqi Faldo, maybe. Basically, the more you can parody the war with golfing references, the stronger you adhere to the central concept, I think.

Finally, as the war you're parodying is the second Gulf War, a reference or two to the first one back in the Nineties would probably not go amiss, and could give you some more ammunition to work with. Perhaps refer to this as a possible attempt to set up a regular international tournament in the area? Oh, and a reference to the weakening of the team due to the need to compete in the rival tournament being set up in Afghanistan might not go amiss too.

Prose and formatting: 7 Good in general - consistent tone throughout, and well written. A few little points:
  • "an bogey"
  • "The immediate loss of Bin Laden's Al-Qaeda martyrs were disqualifed from the scoreboard for going out of bounds" - loss of ... were disqualified? Reads like there's something missing in the middle there. Oh, and there's another 'i' in disqualified
  • "of which he had a plentiful supply of" - 'of' at the start or the end, not both (the start is better)
  • 'Middle East' tends to be capitalised, as it's treated as a proper name
  • "the general consensous of responses in the middle east were the cries of "hole in one!"" - clumsy. "The general consensus of opinion in the Middle East could roughly be summed up as: "hole in one!" would be better. (A consensus is treated as a singular entity, so the plural treatment of "were the cries" is right out).

You'll notice these are minor quibbles, which is a good thing - there's not a whole heap wrong with this, forcing me to look quite hard - but I am a picky bastard - many people wouldn't spot those, I suspect.

As for formatting, in general it's fine - even very good. I'm not too sure about the infobox on the right though. It's partly the way the "causes" and "result" headers aren't vertically aligned in their boxes, meaning they're half-way down the list they're supposed to be heading, which confused me. Also, the bullet points put some text out of line with other text, which looks a little untidy - not sure what you could do with that, and it doesn't really matter, it's just a perfectionist quibble. It's also a busy box, and quite a long one. I'd reduce it in size a bit, be ruthless, prune it until only your very favourite bits are left, cut it down a bit. It may be accurate to a WP article, but it makes the article look too busy, particularly on smaller screens.

Images: 8 Great. You have about the right number, they're well made, mostly well used and captioned, and overall a fine effort. The AK-47 Iron one gets lost under the infobox (I just had to search for it then to remember how you'd captioned it), but that may be addressed by cutting back on the infobox. If not, consider a larger size.
Miscellaneous: 7.5 Averaged, per usual.
Final Score: 37.5 I really like this, it's a good idea, and you've done it a fair amount of justice. In its current state, I'd say it might have a chance of highlight, but couldn't be sure. I think, though, that the points I've raised above are worth taking on board. Spend a bit more time on it, taking out war references and replacing them with more golf ones, and basically sand and polish it a little more. Let me know when you're done, and I'll gladly take another look for you.

Finally, as ever, this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck!

Reviewer: --UU - natter UU Manhole 13:23, Oct 23
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