Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Goldilocks and the Three Bears
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In a previous format, this article was recently deleted because it wouldn't even qualify as sophomoric. When I discussed it with my brother (a BIG Queen) he pointed out that not did it seem that the original writer not accomplish a basic silly satire, but that they also missed the Gay Bear+Williowly Blond Boy opportunity for parody. So I have created a different kind of Goldilocks and The Three Bears - one that is both satire and parody. Constructive critism is welcome, but if the article falls down on a point PLEASE offer possible suggestions instead of just pointing out why something doesn't work. If you can't tell me why it doesn't work then I can't fix it. Thanks, PP Dame14:32, 27 June 2008 (UTC)
Dame14:32, 27 June 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||8||I thought it was pretty funny for sure! Hilarious in some places. Like this line: " He pulled over Otter Bear's bowl and found that it had something floating in it that looked like cigarette ash " it was a good use of misdirection. And " full, bee stung lips " Also made me giggle as you dropped it in nicely when the article was in danger of becoming too serious.|
|Concept:||8||Brilliant actually, wonderfully parodied with a nice little twist of Goldilocks being a boy out of his face on drugs and then using the double entendre of “Bears”; rather than the all to obvious “innocent girl getting gang raped by cave bears”.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||My main concern is that it began reading a bit like a porno story towards the end. This line in particular "Then Goldilocks took a hit of the Rush and worked the anal beads into his shit chute. The feelings were so intense, that he exploded his seed all over the place. " seemed to go of in an unnecessary direction. Instead I’d have something like “Then Goldilocks took a hit of the Rush and began to play.” As it’s subtler and less graphic, you could also link play to Masturbation if you like.
Having said that, I think the slightly explicit ending works as good climax, if you like. And you had a nice ending joke with the “welcome to the party” bit.
The referencing thing though I’m not sure if it’s really necessary. If it were up to me I’d take it out altogether but if you want to keep it at least make it look nice with the reference tag.
the age of 18<ref> Contact CustodianofRecords@Uncyclopedia.org for proof of age on file </ref> ==Reference== <references/>
I also noticed a few typos and a stray square bracket (probably over closed a link) but nothing a good proof reading wouldn’t sort. Overall I thought it was nicely written and the story was told well.
|Images:||7||They were relevant sure but not especially funny (and the captions were a bit drab) and there wasn’t really enough considering the article’s size, I recon it’s need about four in total. You could have the picture of the three bears implying that being in a bar/club is their relaxing walk (or something). For new images you could have something with the evil cyclists. Sorry I don’t have any better ideas. Those too are a bit meh.|
|Final Score:||38.75||Oh and thanks muchly for the Insomnia vote! I don't think this needs too much work in order to be VFH'd too. If you’d like to thank/ask/insult me about anything please visit my talk page.|
|Reviewer:||MuCal. BFF Sir 01:16 4 July 2008|