Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Glen Benton (In-depth)
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|Humour:||2||There was really not much to laugh about here, I’m sorry.
You did however have the odd idea that was amusing, if not especially original, you just didn’t deliver it very well at all, which is only in part down to your prose. Take for example this bit: “Rumors said he was going to commit suicide at age 33 and made the song Sacrificial Sucide, suggesting he would be a sacrifice to Satan, but he did not, and stated that only "cowards and loser" choose to kill themselves” You could re-phrase this and clean it up making the whole joke a lot clearer, like this: “There were rumours that he was to commit suicide at the age of thirty three, (which is represents a holy day within Satanism or something). At age thirty five it became apparent Glen was not going to go through with his sacrifice, and when confronted he stated that “Only cowards and losers kill themselves, unless they’re being a martyr. That’s brave.”. This statement provoked quite a lot of despair within the suicidal community.”. Do you see why that’s better? There are more jokes simply by the way things are phrased. It’s subtler, too and that frequently helps.
The only way of really learning how to do this is to read other people’s work.
|Concept:||1||While I know this isn’t strictly a band article it’s close enough so that most of what is said in HowTo:Write A Funny Band Article applies here.
It’s just not good to start with an obscure member of an obscure band. Really for this to become a good article you’d need to come up with a much better concept than meagrely saying “this guy is evil lol”. Try something like he’s faking being a Satanist and is actually a devout Muslim and the non-conflict there is between believing the two things simultaneously.
|Prose and formatting:||5||First and foremost your tensing was awful. It was actually a problem I used to have, but it is annoying to read. For articled like this you should have it all in past tense, basically adding “d”s to your verbs. Read through your work when you’re done to try and pick out the typos and things, I’ve heard that reading out-loud helps too.
You also have lists at the bottom that break all the rules of UN:LIST. Just don’t do lists unless there is no other way of conveying the joke.
In my view those giant templates (Satan loves this article and axis of evil doers) cheapen an article, I wouldn’t use them.
|Images:||4||The first one needs a caption of some sort. Some sort of quip at what he’s looking at or something.
The second one, though intentionally bad, doesn’t work. You’ve already used this joke and it wasn’t funny to begin with.
Third one was OK, but if you could scrub the writing off the image and expand the caption a bit to something like: “Glen Benton rocking “I think I need a new pair of pants”” It’d be funnier.
Fourth one. A bit overused really, I’ve seen this picture everywhere on the internet and the caption was a bit bland. Something like “Glen’s pet cat, before he ate it” could be funnier.
|Final Score:||15||I’m sorry that this is so negative but really, you have to read HTBFANJS, it’s the most helpful article I’ve read about improving humour writing. Remember to keep reading the featured content as well, it helps you to pick up style and tone. And remember to just keep trying, practice makes perfect.
If you’d like to insult/ask/thank me about any of this please visit my talk page.
|Reviewer:||10:25 27 June 2009|