Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Girl Scout Cookies
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It's a work in progress, but I'd like to get some early feedback. And I want a cookie.
TPLN 19:49, 6 February 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||The humor here is very old and overused. There are WAY too many articles about something sweet and innocent, (like girl scouts and there cookies), and them being used to create chaos or start some evil plan. This article definitely has more of a concept problem and the humor is very hard to evaluate without a strong concept to judge it off. So most of my tips will be there. Anyways, some strong points can be found in the description of each cookie as amazing and irresistable. This COULD be better by just stretching it that extra bit. Going a bit further than what people expect it too be. For example, you could say one cookie is better than sex. That is very basic try to let your mind run a bit more wild. A weak point is in the Cabal and Girl Scout Cookie section. First of all, it is a very bad idea to put inside jokes in an article, let alone base an entire section off of it. I STRONGLY suggest getting rid of the entire Cabal section. Secondly, the girl scout idea can be expanded MAJORLY and there are many funny ways you could go with it. Ending a section by linking to an unwritten article and saying read the rest there is very unprofessional so to speak, and seems lazy. Overall, this article had potential to be funny, and I think you could do many things to reach that potential.|
|Concept:||4||Alright, overall, a decent topic. It isn't completely orignal or laugh out loud as it is now, but that can all be improved on. Many articles, like this one, have an idea that relies on the way the writer takes it. The quality and humor relies heavily on the way the writer tries to satire the certain topic. I am sad to say, that they way you took this led you in the wrong direction. It is predictable from the first paragraph on EXACTLY what is going to happen. I suggest you totally redirect your topic. Focus in on a different theme for your humor to follow. I for one, wouldn't write an article on girl scout cookies because there aren't many directions you can really take the topic. If you find a way though, try to make it work. Make sure it is original, and ultimately, something new for the reader to read.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||Meh, this was solid but with a few glaring mistakes. First of all, this article looks pretty messy for a few main reasons that I can see.
First, you have too many short paragraphs. It gives the article a less encyclopedic feel and hurts your goal. Try expanding your ideas, or grouping some paragraphs together to clear this up.
Second, you have too many sections and too little writing. I for one, do not like lists because they are often times unfunny and pointless. I know what you have in the Cookie section isn't a "list" persay, but the one line sentences make it seem very listy. You could clear this up by getting rid of the bold headers, or expanding your ideas on each cookie. I suggest just making this a paragraph formed section.
Third, links. A few more links definitely wouldn't hurt especially towards the end. Also, the red link in the Girl Scout section really hurts your article and makes you as the writer seem very lazy for saying read an article that doesn't exist for more information.
Finally, get rid of that little bar in the cookies section after you list the different cookies.
|Images:||4||The pictures really aren't all that great. I mean, they aren't completely random and stupid, so that is always good. And they do help tell your story kind of. But they add absolutely NO humorous value whatsoever. Either change em up or put in better captions. I also suggest adding another one and making the second bigger.|
|Final Score:||21||This score isn't so great, but I think you can really make this work. I am a really harsh rater I have realized but my average score giving is 24 or something, so you are almost at average. You can really turn this around by doing a few things and I hope to see this take off. I am happy to help just leave me a message on my talk page if you have any questions or comments. Good luck!|
|Reviewer:||21:21, 7 February 2009 (UTC)|
Thanks, T. I find your review very constructive and instructive. I posted the review request because I wanted to know about the direction. I know its all very subjective, but I see what you are saying.
As for inside jokes, I think it's more of a self-awareness than an actual inside joke - I think you'll find many people are very fond of that form of humor, if you are not. Whether or not it's funny, however, the point of it is that going into detail about the Girl Scouts here would be inappropriate and distracting, because this article is about the cookies.
Thanks for your time, I appreciate it. --TPLN 00:54, 8 February 2009 (UTC)