Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/George W. Bush's Hurricane Machine (revised)

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edit George W. Bush's Hurricane Machine

Totally redid this from the prior version. Review away. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 17:43, 15 July 2009 (UTC)

Cheevers99
This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
Humour: 6.8 average of humor scores
  • 'intro: 7

okay, you certainly establish your direction, and i'm drawn in and curious enough to want to read the rest of your article. the first sentence is awkward and bulky, with the repeating of the phrases, but it only seems that way before the reader realizes that it's a commentary and not encyclopedic. i think you should leave it, because it works nicely, but think about maybe throwing in something before that which indicates that this is a report from a student. i think the intro is a little short, and could use another sentence or two.

  • history: 7

this section is a little stale, but i really liked the ending where jackie robinson comes out of nowhere. i think if you try to throw in some more spice with lines like that, it would really improve the overall feel of the article. i'm not saying it's bad, but it's a little dry and could use a kicker or two to compliment the tone.

  • the hurricane machine: 7

another solid section that might need a little bit of zing to bring it up to 'great'. i really liked the earth day throwaway at the end. the rest is kind of just narrative, if you can see what i mean; you don't have to overdo it and try for a laugh on every line, but see if you can work a few more throwaways in there. perhaps a little bit more bad reasoning in an explanation or two.

  • future. 6

i think you could have neded just a little stronger. the conclusion was pretty much exactly what i expected, and you always want to have at least a little something to surprise your reader towards the end. see concept comments for elaboration.

Concept: 6.5 4/5 points for a relevant-ish subject worthy or parody. this might be five years old, but the 'black people angry at bush' angle is certainly one worthy of a parody.

2.5/5 points for execution. i liked the overall approach, and your tone and voice and everything matched that rather well. but i think you need to use that tone to polish off the content with a few more bright bits. as it stands, you have basically a long narration/commentary, with just a few humorous bits (jackie robinson, planting a tree). i would add a few more of those, some in a similar off-topic vein, but others more related to whatever the narrator happens to be speaking of at that point. just a few more funny bits would bring those 7's in your humor scores up to 8's and 9's, moving your article more into 'great' territory.

Prose and formatting: 9 no real problems. prose was fine, sentence structure and stuff was good for the voice you were using. an appropriate number of links. formatting was mostly good, although there is some ugly stuff going on at the top, with some whitespace. if the intro were longer, it would cut down on that. the image of hurricane katrina is sort of tossed on the left, i would try to play around with the formatting and see if you can make it look a little more presentable.
Images: 7.5 an acceptable number of images that contribute well. the first one explains the article nicely. the katrina one is necessary, and has a good caption. the robinson one was also good. however, think about switching jackie robinson and the hurricane, as jackie is mentioned in the section above where he is, and the hurricane image would fit better in the section about the machine.
Miscellaneous: 7.5 averaged via magic
Final Score: 37.3 my preview button tells me that your score is 37.3, making this a cut above average. i think you'd have a great article on your hands if you sprinkled a few gems into the mix, both on- and off-topic. also, it just occured to me: there's very little about hurricane katrina itself and its aftermath, so perhaps you could elaborate on that a bit. good luck, and feel free to stop by my talkpage again.
Reviewer: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 15:17, 16 July 2009 (UTC)
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