Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Garfield: Caught in the Act
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WidowDude 03:27, February 16, 2010 (UTC)
- I'm in here now, 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 18:25, February 16, 2010 (UTC)
- Reviewing now. --ChiefjusticeDS 20:20, February 17, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||3||OK, first things first, I'm going to come right out with it, the article isn't great, but this review isn't about expressing to you how terrible you are, I am going to do my utmost to help you rescue this one and turn it into an excellent article. The very first thing that you should do is read HTBFANJS, not because I think you don't know how to be funny but because it will educate you in the jokes that uncyclopedians have seen so many times that almost regardless of the context they aren't funny, it will also give you some very good tips for improving the rest of your article. I'm going to go into a bit more depth here, the first thing you may wish to revise is the overarching joke that the game is about Garfield raping people, granted the idea is vaguely amusing in passing, but beyond that it doesn't really push many humour buttons, the vitally important thing with your humour is that you can appreciate the way different people will view your article, some may find the idea hilarious, and your article will have more to offer to these people, however try to also consider people who do not find this amusing, are there any jokes for these people? Your article doesn't seem to present that many. There are a lot of ways that you can make a joke have more impact on your audience, but my feeling is that this joke has very little potential to amuse. Further to what I have just said I would suggest that you look for a different aspect of Garfield to make fun of, there are plenty of possibilities. I think it is only fair that I explain to you why I think this, as I have said the whole rape thing is limited in its potential to amuse as it just doesn't seem realistic, if you check out some of the featured articles that are quite random you will note that in a lot of cases, the things they are saying are feasible in the article's context, for instance to say "Darth Vader then raped the Emperor while the Death Star itself raped another planet into oblivion" is slightly amusing, but in the context of Star Wars wholly unbelievable, what would be better would be to say "Darth Vader and the Emperor then decided to destroy a second planet, unfortunately an argument started over which colour planet it should be destroyed, and by the time a decision was made nobody was in the planet destroying mood any more" Now while that is not the funniest thing to have ever been written I hope it makes the point, it is more amusing because it exploits the idea that behind the goings on of the Star Wars universe there are such arguments, one could buy into this a lot more readily than they could the idea of Darth Vader raping the Emperor. The practical upshot of all that is that Garfield is famous for his laziness, greed and cunning and that you should exploit these to make the reader laugh, rather than inventing an entirely new idea.
In addition to the above you should also consider the sort of person who will read your article, people who come to this page will have either come here through searching for Garfield or because they have played the original game on the Genesis, as such these people will be looking for a humorous take on a well known figure and his game, thus your article should be grounded in talking about the actual game in a humorous fashion. Basically make the article about the actual game and satirise aspects of the character in the game. A good example of how to write a games article is this one and a good example of talking about a fictional character is here. Read these articles carefully and build up an idea of what you want to do with your article. I would strongly recommend that before you go back to working on this one that you spend a little while thinking about what you want to do with the article, plan before you write, then implement the some changes. Take your time and use HTBFANJS and hints from featured articles. If you spend some time reading and seeing some of the techniques that some of our best editors use your work will be much better for it. Don't misunderstand me, some of what you have here demonstrates talent and ability that needs direction to create something truly special.
So to recap, try to make your humour about the actual Garfield and the game and make them believable, read HTBFANJS so that you know the sort of thing to avoid on Uncyclopedia, plan out your changes and then slowly go through the article and implement them. We can go into more depth with the humour at a later stage, the priority now is to get your article into a state that people will be able to enjoy generally.
|Concept:||3||The concept is an interesting one, I personally was unaware that Garfield had made a dalliance into the games market, so this article was my first introduction to it. This really does demonstrate that your concept can draw people to read your work, but again it needs to be believable, I don't have to look up the game to know that what you have said in this article is incorrect. As far as your tone goes, take a look at some articles for games on Wikipedia. An important thing to do when writing here is to keep the tone consistent, and you are demonstrating an ability to do so, but your execution isn't as good as it could be. Remember Uncyclopedia is a parody of Wikipedia, so a good starting point for your tone is to write as though this is a Wikipedia article, use the same style as is used for article's on Wikipedia and be subtle with the humour. For example you can try using non-sequiturs to be subtle, you have done this already in the article and I would really recommend carrying this technique over when you make changes. It is important that you avoid saying thins like " More like, a nude light...heheheh, get it? Nude?" as this sounds unprofessional and childish, it is important that you sound professional and mature as it makes the jokes have far more of an impact on the reader.|
|Prose and formatting:||4||Right, your prose are OK as far as being technical goes, you should proofread your work carefully after making any changes, this is just important general practice, I saw a couple of errors as I read through, nothing too major but just be aware of them. Some users find that proofreading is quite an effort, especially after having spent a long time working on an article, in which case you can submit your work to the proofreading service and someone will check it through for you. You should endeavour to fix all and any red links in the article unless they are part of a joke, as they are quite ugly and have the interesting ability to drive some of our established users mental. Besides that just be careful when you are working, break up your text carefully and make sure that your images are spread evenly, we generally recommend that no matter where you are looking at the article, you should be able to see part of an image, you are doing quite well at this so far, just be sure to make sure the images aren't squeezing the text between them, again, not much of an issue on that score here, but make sure it doesn't happen if you make changes. Also, as far as templates to start articles go, one is the advised maximum, beyond that it tends to look scruffy and as though the article is trying to avoid being read.|
|Images:||6||You have good images here and it is encouraging to see. The important thing now is to pay close attention to your captions. The captions should be written with the same tone as the rest of the article. Captions are also of huge important to images, a good caption can redeem a poor image, in the same way a bad caption can hurt a good image, take your time considering them. The game screenshots are good and that sort of things definitely worth using. Just keep working at these, remember to implement what you know from HTBFANJS here too.|
|Miscellaneous:||4||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||20||The article has potential, as do you as a writer, what is lacking at the moment is the direction. I honestly believe that with some commitment from you this can be a very solid article indeed. Try not to be discouraged by all the negatives in this review, I am trying to help you to improve and you should learn from the things you are having problems with here. If you feel I have missed the point of your article completely then feel free to submit it to the queue again, to get someone else's take on it. I would also suggest that you take a look at adopt-a-noob, as a promising new writer, going under the wing of a more experienced user (who will be around to help you out and answer any questions you have) will greatly improve your work. If you want to ask me any questions or would like to comment on my review then please don't hesitate to leave a message on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 22:13, February 17, 2010 (UTC)|