This one I had fun with, and would like to vfh eventually. MadMax helped with many of the photos (see the talk page for his and mine 'stash' of pics), but I haven't had anyone else comment on it. Any help on improvements appreciated, and please take your time, it doesn't have to be finished within a tight time schedule. Thanks,
Hi, just thought of a section to add at the end, so if anyone picks this up wait for a few hours or so, maybe less. Thanks Al en'chain 20:32 15 3 mmx
p.s. Ok, done, about 50 minutes later, the new section at the bottom. It seems finished but the formating is off on the type. When I edit, and preview, it's fine and lines up, then when I save the page the lines crooked-up. A mystery. Al
I'll go shopping at your sale and review your items. And I better get a discount, too. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 04:01, March 19, 2010 (UTC)
Introduction to your reviewer
Well, I think you already have some idea who I am. I will tell you that I have a friend who is psychologically incapable of driving past a garage sale without stopping.
I think the concept is solid, but the way it's developed is what makes it work.
Prose and Formatting:
I put Humour in with P and F just to avoid repeating myself too much, but do score them separately.
By the way, 8.5 is a very high score from me. I don't give 10s. With a few fixes, I'd make this a 9.
Nice--it's descriptive, it's short, and it draws the reader in.
How did you invent Garage Sales (comma) Grandpa?-missing comma
"God rest her ballbusting soul"--this is an odd turn of phrase, but would get me suspecting this is how the guy's going to talk. You might want to throw in a little more semi-profanity early so it doesn't come on so strong later.
"Honey," I said to your grams...."--technically, each time you quote a new person, you should start a new paragraph. But I don't think that's a big deal here. I like the use of "the picture show."
I like that the three boys get just regular stuff, and then there's the whammy with Twain. Even though I love science fiction and Twain (I saw him in person twice), I still haven't gotten around to reading that novel--a hole in my education.
The Big Day Arrives
"Saturday morning, October 11, 1947 (comma) found...."
"they'd call me Chet instead of Chester, or grandpa, like you kids do...."--when used as proper name, Grandpa should be capitalised.
I'm sure you know by now that I can get annoyingly picky at times. But "The Bells of St. Mary's" came out in 1945 and apparently wasn't rereleased until 1957--it would be highly unusual to rerelease a movie back then two years after it came out. But nobody will likely care about that but me, and Grandpa's memory may be off anyway. http://www.auctionzip.com/cgi-bin/auctionview.cgi?lid=808673
"slept like two cats with full stomachs of warm milk."--I don't know why I really like this phrase, but I do.
Photos from Chet's garage sale
"Alright, the old family photo album."--this confused me a little at first. I was expecting the photos I saw to go with the photos described. Maybe you could say something that would indicate they skipped through these, but that's not a big deal. I do like the idea that Grandpa gets distracted looking at the album--it's very believable, and "that was a hoot" and the wild monkey sound like Grandpa.
"Ah, here we go, our garage sale."--I'd start a new paragraph here.
"we'd, ah, 'dance' to them."--I like it.
"...dug this up somewhere, and sent it home in a box. We just sold the box, as is, like a grab bag, without even opening it...."--like this paragraph, and the Stephenson-Ramses connection (don't know if that was on purpose, but it works). And I don't mind that Grandpa's details are a bit off about Ramses II (also check the link on Ramses II--it doesn't go anywhere). I'm beginning at this point to wonder about Grandpa.
"Rosetta Stone...We had it in the backyard, weighing down some soil I wanted to even out."--nice. This reminds me of the TV show Lovejoy--if you don't know it, he's a rather rough-and-tumble antiques' dealer who gets involved in mysteries. He found things like this--one very valuable bowl was being used as a dog dish.
The Dalek--I'm a huge Doctor Who fan, and laughing at the thing they don't know what it is--and how would they in 1947 when Doctor Who wouldn't come out until 1963, if I remember correctly--funny. Makes me a bit worried, though--was it a real Dalek? Especially because that's no ordinarly exterminator.
"Yeah, you know, if we had kept this you kids could have taken it to your history classes' show n' tell."--the original Constitution, and this is the big thing it could have been used for? Nice. Problem I see here is that Grandpa, who's already talked about extremely valuable items, suddenly starts getting very profane. Again, I'd recommend a more subtle build.
"Is he Grandpa Chuck or Grandpa Chester? Names are inconsistent.
"God bless their souls"--I like the grandson using Grandpa's phrase.
"Now my sis and I live fairly comfortably"--and then they're described as being rich; like the subtlety.
"...sell them for a fucking quarter, what the hell was he thinking?"--like the question. Also there's an interesting twist--the Grandpa the reader probably though was a crazy old coot really did find the stuff.
"...and told them "Oh no you don't, not this time.Fucktards" Bless their hearts."--nice ending.
I do wonder at the formatting--some people here don't like when text is squeezed between two images (it doesn't bother me--magazines do that all the time). You might want to check it or have others check it on different computer screens--the layout could appear much different depending upon the relative dimensions of their screen.
See above. Funny stuff.
What can I say--I love the images. I'm going to focus on what I think could be improved, which to me isn't much. The frozen hamster I like, although to me it doesn't look quite right. Right now I'm looking at this with a traditional monitor, and the constitution is further to the right than anything else in the article--I think in any case the image could be much smaller. Maybe the pic of Grandpa could be a tad larger, but it's OK as is.
Why is this score so low? Because I've artificially lowered it. To me, a score of 40 means "let's put this on the front page." I'd prefer you edit it first just so I can feel useful.
Definitely let me know when you edit this. Did you get that note I said above about the 40 thing?