Your humour is OK, but in need of some improvement. For a start your jokes become tired very quickly. The joke that freshies should exterminated becomes very tired by the end of the first section, and by the time I reached the end of the article it was boring. This is a shame as the writing is generally solid throughout the article. My advice for changing this is to change things up, and try to get a running joke going throughout the article. I would recommend that you take a look at this article for some pointers on improving this one. You can still keep the joke that freshies need to be exterminated going throughout but should try to do it in a way that doesn't make it the only feature of your humour. The idea of presenting it with a scientific spin is helps the jokes longevity but still doesn't prevent it from becoming overused by the end of the article. Besides this you should also avoid HTBFANJS violations in your article. At times you come very close to doing exactly that (main trouble spot being at the end of the 'Subspecies' section. To fix this problem you will have to make some extensive changes, try to keep HTBFANJS and the featured article above in mind. You should probably also reconsider your lead in quotes as they are more irritating than anything else, and may alienate some readers who don't find them amusing at all, however this is less essential than anything else.
Your concept is reasonable, and the idea of using scientific language makes some sense. However you can't go half way on your concept. If you are going to make the article like a scientific study of freshies then you should use an info box and list their properties and you should tailor your tone to fit it. On the subject of your tone you waver between formal and informal throughout the article and ideally you should only use one of these. Use whichever tone best suits your chosen style, if you are using the scientific style be formal, remove profanity unless it is quoted and ensure all the text conforms. If you decide to change the style and write in the first person then you can be informal, but try to use only one tone either way.
Prose and formatting:
OK, you need to do some work on your prose. There are a relatively large number of spelling and grammar errors so you should make sure that you proofread your article carefully. If you don't think that you will proofread to an appropriate standard or you just don't want to, then The Uncyclopedia Proofreading service can help. Make sure you always proofread as it stops small errors getting into your work. Your formatting is problematic because the entire article is a long list, try fleshing the prose out and avoiding simply listing methods. I realise that it is difficult but currently the article would be better suited to being a How To. Also, your image to text ratio is off, you need to include at least one more image in the main body of the article, and I would advise against using an entire section for a single image, it would be better to integrate it into the text rather than have it stand out and away from the text.
Your images are OK, but I think you can do better. Experiment with different images and be creative when choosing new ones. If you come up with an idea for an image and don't have the skills to create it yourself you can ask other users to give you a hand. Try to choose images that compliment the text or that you can caption in a particularly amusing way, remember that captions can make or break images so you should consider them carefully. If you choose to stick with your current images then the second one needs to be bigger and I would encourage you to try some new things with the captions.
My overall grade of the article
Don't be discouraged by negativity in this review, your writing style is very solid and you definitely have the minerals to make this article excellent. Just take your time over your edits and try to ask for opinions and advice from other users if you are unsure of how something will work. You have made a good start here so do your best to carry it on. If you have any comments, questions or requests then feel free to drop by my talk page. Good luck making any edits.