Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Forest Whitaker's Lazy Eye (second review)

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Revision as of 22:29, December 21, 2009 by ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs)

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FAQ

edit Forest Whitaker's Lazy Eye

Alright, I'm looking to get a review on this article as-is. I do not plan on changing the format of this page at all. I am, however, very interested in any ideas or critiques on how it works, and how to assuage any comedy from the concept. If there are any questions about how I attacked this one, check out the long section on the talk page, it should explain everything. If at-all possible, an experienced reviewer could take a look at this, that would be great (only because I know this is an extremely tough article to review). Thank you to whomever wants to help me out with this! Woody On Fire! Wood burningTalking Woody Stalking Woody 23:10, December 17, 2009 (UTC)

I will get this one in the next 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 18:15, December 20, 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 7 Right, I have no major qualms with your humour, my feeling upon reading your article is that you have achieved everything you set out to do. Having said this I have some suggestions about your humour. My first feeling was that yes, this is a good idea and that yes you were going the right way about executing it, what I felt dragged you back was the fact that this is all you do. Permit me to expand, as I have said, you pull off the idea of having a star respond to comments and then lose it when he realises what is actually going on, what I felt was that beyond this concept the humour was slightly limited, the vandal comments felt quite generic and thus genuine to me and it was evident you have put some effort into making the vandalism look convincing, what I thought was the problem is that this is the extent to which you use the concept of the article's creation. The vandalism aspect is simply a build up to introduce Forest Whitaker and thus your main joke. My feeling is that this could be taken slightly further, the vandalism, while it shouldn't be the main feature of the article should still play more of an active role. By this I do not mean do the same as you have already done but rather consider interspersing it throughout the article, this means that the humour is changed up a bit and you can demonstrate a more logical descent to irritation and profanity by Whitaker.

If I move my focus onto the part where you speak from Whitaker's perspective then once again I feel that what is there is viable enough but you should consider having another look at it. Prior to checking the talk page I thought that the joke regarding Whitaker quickly becoming enraged and swearing at the reader has a slightly flawed structure. While I suspect you wanted the abruptness of the joke to demonstrate the thought process that Whitaker would have gone through to reach the conclusion he does reach, on my first read through and without the prompt of the talk page I just felt the joke was sudden. Now this may be because I'm a bit stupid but it may also be because it just isn't obvious enough. Again I am not saying put in a sentence in bold saying "WHITAKER THINKS ABOUT THIS", but consider implementing a smaller change to that recommended in the above, perhaps a brief exchange between Whitaker and one of the vandals, this need only be a couple of lines but would more aptly demonstrate the reason for the change, this would eliminate the need for a reader to visit the talk page to confirm the reason for the change and an explanation of the thought process, I think you could implement this without effecting the general feel of the article too much, it would just necessitate subtlety, which I have no reason to doubt your ability to carry out.

Concept: 8 The concept is certainly a more original take on the use of vandalism, which is undoubtedly a good thing. Due to the unique nature of the article I accept that a specific tone is unnecessary and impractical. As I touched upon above I was pleased to see you recognise the differing ways that people express opinions and the gulf in humour that exists on Uncyclopedia in both the vandals comments and partly in Whitaker's comments. What I think you need to do with the concept is make it more accessible, I talked about this above too, but your concept does run the risk of alienating certain users, the style is scruffy and for some this will be a greater turn off than for others, those who buy into the joke will undoubtedly benefit, but you should be aware that the style necessary for the concept is not the most universally acceptable one.
Prose and formatting: 7 This one is difficult to score, your prose are pretty good and a quick check through some sections for grammar errors would iron out any final difficulties. But the main problem is that you have said you are happy with how things are already and don't wish to change things, in this case I will point out what I saw as detrimental to the article so that you know and then you can choose to take it into account when making decisions about the article. The line through the top text is a necessary evil, you obviously want to emphasise that the article's main point utilises the prose that are crossed out but that they are still important, however it does have the side effect of making the prose difficult and unpleasant to read. It also makes the article look overly scruffy when you first see it, but I suspect that was your intention. Otherwise the formatting is OK, and the image formatting cannot really be commented on. The only other suggestion I have is that you break up the text in Whitaker's dialogue, simply so it is easier to take in and lends itself to him being a literate and intelligent guym this would contrast nicely with his later text.
Images: 9 Again not much to be said here. The images are relevant and play the role you need them to in the article. I suspect you know what you are doing with these, and there isn't much more I can suggest you do with them that would improve the article, I think any improvements will be rooted in your prose.
Miscellaneous: 7 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 38 As I said to begin with, your article does what it sets out to do and nothing more, which you can justifiably be pleased with. I think everything that you wanted to do has been done to a high standard and is done without issue. While this is a good thing it doesn't necessarily guarantee the success of the article and my opinion of it was that it was good, but not brilliant and that it just didn't do it for me in the way I suspect it would for others. However you should feel justly proud of your accomplishments nonetheless. If you have any questions or comments for me then please leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 22:29, December 21, 2009 (UTC)
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