Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/First!!!! (3rd review)

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edit First!!!!

Havent done anything with this aricle in a long time and is usually the subject of fail VFH's. Indepth please k thanks lolz. Iwillkillyou 333 TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 00:57, 7 July 2009 (UTC)

Staircase in person
This article is under review by none other than.....

Let down your hopes, eh?
Humour: 3 Well, right off the bat I knew this was going to be full of memes. This is usually not a goood thing. Now, I'm trying to be mean here, I'm just trying to do what is best for your article.
  • Introduction - The beginning was a little meh. Like I said, I immediately knew it was going to be meme-full when I saw Youtube and N00bs with the "0"s. Also, the introduction almost seemed rude, and what I mean by that is you used too much profanity. Over-use of profanity can sometimes work, but in this case it doesn't it almost offends the reader. Also, a big point I saw is that you said ..."that is so fucking annoying.", but then you said "but its actually one of the most funniest things to do..." which completely contradicts itself, along with a grammar error. (its shoudl be it's). You have to fix this up, because it killed the article at the beginning for me, and I was thinking "This will probably lack focus". So, for the intro, remove the profanity and keep it focused on one idea.
  • History - Ok, so right off the bat you started with some profanity. Like I said above, in this article, unless it is a quote, it is a big no-no. Also, you went immediately from how it was created to how it is now used. This threw off the flow; I recommend that you write more about how it was created then make a separate paragraph regarding how it is used. Now, the humour in this really seemed to flop. Take for example, how you have the part about n00bs waiting days just to say "First!", which I find highly improbable. Also, the part about the comment being raped seemed immature, unfunny, and unecessary. However, the part about Olive Garden drew a smile, but nothing else really seemed to. And, once again, you started to conflict your ideas by saying that the stuff like second, third, etc. was funny and not annoying. You have to change that around. Pretty much what I am saying is that the humour in this section needs to be revised. You have a few good ideas, but you ruin them with profanity, memes, or downright outrageous things that make people think "Meh" as opposed to "Ha".
  • Other Uses - This section had a different tone compared to the rest of the article. You made First! sound like an actual useful device, rather than "a fucking annoying thing n00bs do". That said, it throws off the ideas in your article and once again created conflict between them. Apart from that, the things you used for examples weren't really funny, like Obama saying "'First black prez, aint that nice", which I highly doubt he said. If you've ever heard one of his speeches, you may have noticed he speaks very well. Now, back to the point. The bottom line is that this section was completely different from the rest of the article and made this First! concept sound like a good thing rather than bad, which is what the rest of the article is going after. You need to change it around to keep the flow.
  • How to deal with it - This section was more confusing than anything else. And, once again, you conflicted you ideas. Now, you said that people who don't have a sense of humor disreagrd and/or spam the poster of First!, and then you say people who do have a sense of humor join in with the poster. Now, At the beginning you said First! was annoying shit, so either a) You don't have a sense of humor or b) You're saying having a sense of humor is a bad thing. Now, I don't think you were going for either one of those, so the ideas in this section have to be changed around for the tone to keep flowing nicely. Also, once again you went into downright outrageous, by saying yuo should burn down the poster's house, which is too much work and way above the line. For this section, the main thing you have to do is change the concepts to make it fit the rest of your article, and make things more likely.
  • FAQ - This section, I'm sorry to say, was more stupid then anything else. What went from a productive conversation went to some weird, lame noob speak. This kiled that section of the article, and ended it off poorly. Ending are important, you need a good one to finish it off and make the reader say, "Jolly good, then." So, your slip into weird noob conversation really lost if for me. Also, the section in general wasn't that funny, and it was confusing. Youshould come up with realted questions, and have funny responses.

Overall: This article wasn't funny. Now, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm giving you the straight facts and I want you to improve based on those. The most important thing is that you keep your ideas the same throughout the whole article, remove profanity, and add jokes that actually make Uncyc users, NOT outube users laugh.

Concept: 4 The main idea in this article to me was sort of meme-ish. Personally, I don't like things in that area, namely Chuck Norris, Text speak, etc. Also, I'm not an active Youtube user, so this idea doesn't really strike me as funny or creative, making it hard to work with. Also, the way you approached it was very unorganized. As I stressed above, you had several different times where you kept conflicting ideas. Unless your article is conversation-based, you definitely do not want to do this. The only way you can manage is by putting a "Debate/Controversy" section where you could put the postivie uses of First!. However, In this case I don't really recommend it, I think you should focus on the idea of the noob thing. You just have to mae sure to remove/change all of the conflicting ideas, and make it less profane.
Prose and formatting: 6 I didn't find any rea problems here. however, you did have many cases in whic you confused "it's" and "its". This was a mistake that bugged me, because I'm stupid and grammar mistakes bug me like that. Also, as for formatting, your paragrpahs were large and clumped together. You need to separate them for ease of reading and to make it flwo better. I recommend that you split them up where you trnsition to other ideas, just for the sake of sense. Apart from that, the FAQ was good, and the pictures were well spaced (except for one. see image section). However, I noticed a lack of blue links, it is best to keep a decent amount of blue links in your article. Becasue of these factors, I knocked off your score from the average 7 to a six, which is that big of a difference.
Images: 7 The images were fine. The first one did well, and the second was realted to the subject. However, That one with the pop-up was random and unecessary. I seem to have noticed you have an incredible fetish for those images, since I see them everywhere in your articles. However, this one wasn't funy, and it completely threw off the flow of the article. I suggest removal, don't worry about thumbing it or anything. Removing it is the best solution here, because you don't need that image in your article. I know the last five sentences or so had the exact same point in different words, but I have to make this look in-depth.
Miscellaneous: 5 See Below.
Final Score: 25 You have some work to do with this article. Follow the steps below to work it out:
  1. Get your ideas straight - You went from good to bad, and you need to make it one straight concept to avoid confusion.
  2. Remove memes and add jokes - Overall your article lacked humor. It was more of a bash on noobs, and it wasn't really funny. You need jokes for it.
  3. Get rid of the image - It was pointless.

You have quite a bit of work ahead of you, but if you do it all you will have a nice article to be proud of. Good luck!

Reviewer: Staircase CUNt 02:28, 7 July 2009 (UTC)
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