Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Fight Club

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edit Fight Club

I have just rewritten the entire article, if you would please review this ASAP, I think it could be improved so any idea's would be wonderful. --The preceding signed comment was added by Projectmayhem666 (talk • contribs). 15:13, April 19, 2010 (UTC)

Well since it is now about a month after this was initially posted here, I'll review it.--Sirrah CatshirE Chess the Striker2117 21:56, May 8, 2010 (UTC)

Well realising is correct as thats how us across the pond spell it, we came first, thus its correct and the difference between english and US english on here has been long debated and its just accepted that both are correct. I can't change the real suffering bit because thats how it's written in the book. The Meat Loaf bit is me trying to cleverly link the book with the film, Robert Paulson has bitch tits thats all, in both the book and film, he's played by Meat Loaf in the film so I just added it in there. Well I read through your review and will begin touching the article up with this in mind. Its a good review and thanks, it will be very helpful. --The preceding signed comment was added by Projectmayhem666 (talk • contribs). 10:33, May 10, 2010 (UTC)
I thought "realising" might have been correct as it didn't look that wrong to me, but in whatever semi-sleep-deprived state I was in while reviewing; I didn't look too far into the possibility of it being the old UK-US difference. Best wishes in you work.--Sirrah CatshirE Chess the Striker2117 17:03, May 10, 2010 (UTC)
Humour: 5.5 ----

Specifics

I'd suggest you change the Oscar Wilde quote to someone else, people are rather tired of the in-jokes these days especially after A wizard did it got featured. At the beginning where you have the word “psycho” crossed out multiple times, it's okay but I think it would be better if you used other words like”insane” and “crazy” in there too instead of just using “psycho.”

I liked the idea that the doctor was Janitor from Scrubs, and if you just had another sentence that emphasized that, I think it would bring some really nice humour into it. I'd also like to see the early plot expanded just a bit more (not too much) because it kind of seems hurried and doesn't flow very well the way it currently is.

When you get to the part where they are actually at Fight Club, I think it would be better if it was a bit more descriptive, like “Tyler stood in the center of the group of brutes and announced the rules” or something like that. Also, while your listing of the rules has some good gems of humour in it (“Fight Club will always be free, after a $5 administration fee.” was great) putting a short explanation after each rule as to why it's there or something may improve it. Example: “1. Do not talk about Fight Club.- Tyler instituted this rule because <insert witty thing here>”

Under the Project Mayhem section, I'd suggest adding in some “examples” of what Project Mayhem did. Make up stuff that seems plausible and some other stuff that is absurdly funny. The smiley face on the building is funny, but you don't actually mention it in the text; you just have a picture of it. Mention this, and make up some other good stuff that sounds similar to what they would do.

I'd also like to see the last section expanded, but I can't think of what would be a good way to that that currently, so you'll just have to rely on your own ingenuity.

Overall

There are some really great lines in here that made me have a good laugh, but it overall seems kind of short and some of the humour is lost in formatting and prose errors. Keep things like the reason for Tyler's anti-consumerism being his inability to return a pair of jeans and especially the part at the end that goes “clock hits zero and no boom? Why? Why in all mother-of-godliness are the narrators charred remains not sent flying to China?” while expanding and refining some of the other jokes.

Concept: 7 This content section isn't going to have much as I did it after the humour and prose sections, which I believe adequately cover many of my concerns about content as well. Basically, what you have already is a great foundation with some very good ideas; but you need to expand on them quite a bit. I think that if you clean up the grammatical stuff and think over some of the humour suggestions, you should have a good idea on how to further expand your content to make this article great.
Prose and formatting: 5 I like to break this down section by section because I saw other people do it, and it seemed effective.

Opening

In the Durden quote at the top, there should be a colon after “rule of Fight Club” both times and a period at the end of the whole thing. In the first sentence “realising “ should be “realizing”

Introductions

The second sentence in this section doesn't have any punctuation and is kind of short. I'd recommend expanding it to something like “Unhappy with long nights of staring at the ceiling, he develops...”

I'd put the word “real” before “suffering” in the next sentence so it reads “not real suffering” because otherwise it can sound weird. At the end of this sentence, you try to tack on an additional thought by throwing in a comma, but it doesn't read right that way. Instead make it “...suffering is like.' The narrator...” and split it up. I'd recommend changing the beginning of the sentence “Visiting these meetings...” to “While visiting these meetings...” because it sounds better. Also, when you have “Meat Loaf” in there, do you mean that he “comes a transvestite” named and/or played by “Meat Loaf” (in which case it should be “across a transvestite (Meat Loaf) called” or that he “across a transvestite” who had the body type of a meatloaf in which case it should be one word lower case.

The phrase “...his insomnia for some reason up until ...“ should have a comma in it so it is “...his insomnia for some reason, up until ...“ but I'd think of re-phrasing that sentence a bit better. The next sentence That starts with “Marla, who attends...” would be better phrased “Marla, also attends” at the beginning and “possibly some form of depressed attention seeking neurosis from being married to Tim Burton or some such shit.”

The sentence “Shortly after discovering she's a fake too, although I'm not sure concluding a woman at a testicular cancer support group is faking her condition can really be described as discovering, the narrators insomnia returns, so he decides to solve this by killing her dividing up the groups... This does not work. “ needs to be changed to something along the lines of “Shortly after discovering that she's a fake too (although she being a woman at a testicular cancer support group may not be faking her condition, so much as discovering) the narrator's insomnia returns, so he decides to solve this by killing her dividing up the groups. This does not work.” or anything that you can come up that fixes the flow of English.

Change “...a crater to live in the narrator... “ to “...a crater to live in, the narrator...” Also, I'd recommend changing “...agrees to this on the condition... “ to “...agrees to this only on the condition...”

In the last sentence in this section, rephrase it so the it reads “...making bombs, mentioning irrelevantly that he has never been able to make...” at the end, because it isn't very easy to understand as it is.

Fight Club

In the first sentence, expand “Soon after moving in they...” to “Soon after moving in together they...” In the phrase “...her memory, before doing... “ a little further down, change it to “...her memory, but before doing ...“

Project Mayhem

In the phrase “As Fight Clubs membership...” put an apostrophe on it so it's “As Fight Club's membership”. In “taken over by Tyler "Lord&Master" Durden, this is up until Bob “ I'd change the “&” to “ and ” and split it into two sentences so it's “taken over by Tyler "Lord and Master" Durden,. That is, up until Bob... “

A not so strange twist

Change “realises” to “realizes” in the first sentence. Also split the sentences so it's “...he is Tyler. This revelation...” Also change “the narrator realises that Tyler's affair “ to “When the narrator realises that Tyler's affair...” Throughout this section you spell “realize” as “realise” so fix that up.

Overall

Run it through spell check and eliminate run-on sentences. Then REMOVE RED LINKS and maybe a couple of the unnecessary, grouped together blue ones. They can be very distracting, and the red ones are just no fun at all. Another thing to think about is breaking some of the more clumped together paragraphs into smaller ones, as this improves readability.

Images: 7.5 First Image- Needs punctuation in the caption and could be a bit larger, but otherwise fine.

Second Image- Love it, but make wither make it a bit larger so that you don't have that single line of text from the paragraph beside it running way out to the side of the page; or if you break that paragraph into smaller ones, try to make the bottom of the pic line up with the paragraph break.

Third Image- It's way to small, make it bigger and it'll be awesome.

Fourth Picture- Once more, make it larger. The caption doesn't exactly grab me, and I think you could do more with it; but it's okay as it is.

Fifth Picture-Same thing as the second pic, resize it and make it line up evenly with the paragraphs. Also needs punctuation at the end of the caption.

Sixth Pic- Needs punctuation in the caption and could be a bit larger. Otherwise, fine.

Miscellaneous: 6.25 Averaged the other scores
Final Score: 31.25 I like the ideas behind it and think that if you go through and revise it, you can make this into a really great article. Also, I saw that you rewrote it and as long as my nit-picky review is; your version was definitely above a re-write. Just keep up the work and it'll be fine. Leave me a note on my talk page when you revise it so I can look it over.
Reviewer: --Sirrah CatshirE Chess the Striker2117 00:17, May 9, 2010 (UTC)
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