The real joke in here kicks in in the last section. I don't think it's all that good, but what do I know. Opinions? --THE 17:41, 10 May 2008 (UTC)
Woah, back off there, 'cause it's YesTimeToPee...for YTTE, not you. Sorry, you'll just have to go find somewhere else to empty your bladder, or you can choose to wet yourself. I got this spot, biatch.
Opening Para: You open your article here with a nice section of irony. At first you don't notice and then after maybe the second sentence you get it and it definitely made me smirk. It wasn't quite laugh out loud material but still it was pretty good. I feel, though, that it would be good if you could stick a funny one-liner in there to go with the irony. Anyway, nice opening section that sets everything up nicely.
Why use fear mongering?: We continue with the irony and the fear mongering which is expected and praise-worthy (sorry I didn't want to say "good" again so I thesaurus-ed it). Also the link from "open-minded" to "drugs" was quite interesting and made me smirk. "McCarthy is still alive (he's about 130) and he is having professionally trained assassins shoot anyone who finds this out. Now that you know this, you can expect your door to come crashing down any second." - These last two sentences are nice and quite funny but could be expanded on. You could change "now that you know this, you can expect your door to come crashing down any second" to "you here that car outside? Yup, that's them, expect your door to come crashing down in about thirty seconds. I would start reading faster, if I were you". This is just a suggestion, which you may not like, but I reckon you could do something (if not the example I gave) to change this one line. Overall though, again, a nice paragraph, there!
Fear mongering in advertising: This paragraph opens with "Fear mongering is not a tool used solely by selfish politicians who want to crush your baby", which is quite funny, but isn't it normally "eat your baby"? I do, however, very much like your link from "private" to "genitals". That's very funny and quite clever too. The whole paragraph is nicely written and quite funny. It's, again, not actually laugh out loud funny, but it's good.
You might think you're "safe" and can avoid fear mongering...: Well this paragraph really went overboard on the whole "fear mongering" thing, which works and is appropriate. "They will slit your throat, cut your balls off, and possibly steal some of your furniture" was quite funny. But none of this made me laugh out loud. It's quite good, it just needs a bit of work. The thing is I don't really no what to suggest for this particular section. Just maybe have a little think about what to do with this section. You could tip it overboard, even more, with the fear mongering, that could work if you did it well...
There is only method that's been clinically proven to deflect fear mongering...: The advert idea is very funny. I like it and I like the irony you use with "no self-serving advertisements will ever take advantage of your stupidity again". That's a very nice line. "Just call us, and we'll laugh at you!" This is good, too! Probably one of the best lines in the whole thing... Nice work! This section is definitely the best, and I do like the change in style. "The fear mongerers are outside your door, just waiting to profit from your foolishness. They'll probably kill you if you don't act now. So get out there and buy a can or twelve now" And another good line! I reckon maybe one or two more one liners in here could benefit it, but otherwise, very good!
Overall: The last section definitely is very good. The others are okay but need work on. If it was all up to the standard of the last bit I would maybe give this a 9, but as it is I'm going to have to give the article an 8. It's good work. Just needs some refining.
The concept is, well average. There's nothing actually special about the concept itself, I would say, its' the way it's written. Obviously the whole idea of fear mongering in the article and the irony is pretty good but not wholly original. There isn't that much more to do with the concept. You just need to work on the humour bit more to make this article really good. Originally I was going to give you a 7 for this, but I felt that was a little bit too harsh so I gave you an extra 0.5.
Prose and formatting:
There is some work to do here. For example it would be good if "AND THAT IS MR. SAFETY'S ALL-NATURAL FEAR MONGERING REPELLANT SPRAY!" was centred (and maybe bold-ified). There's plenty of nice blue links, which is good, however some sections do look a little under-nourished and look as if they need a few more sentences. In bits the article does look a bit messy, as well. For example "ever take advantage of you again, GUARANTEED!!(guarantee expires after first five minutes of purchase)!!" looks just a little scrappy. You jsut need to make everything look a bit more elegant. Apart from that, there's not much to say. None of this is actually very bad, it could just be a little better. The style is good too, and the change to the "advert (or commercial)" style is not confusing and works well.
I like the car image and the image of the man, especially. The caption on the car is very good and a nice of example of how the right caption can make almost any picture relevant and funny. The final picture of the man on fire is also, very funny and with a good caption. The knee image is also pretty good as well. One more picture is needed, though, I reckon. What about a picture of any or all of the people who "are going to get you"? Or maybe you could have another picture, warning of the danger of something...
Yay an average!
38.125... Sorry for such a random end score! Anyway, this article is close to getting to a very, very good standard. In the future it could even be VFHable. Just needs a bit of work on humour in bits, a little bit of expansion to some of the sections, some formatting tidying up and one more image. I hope you do well this and wish you luck with this article. There aren't many mistakes or blatant errors, just that "lacking punch in areas" feeling. Anyway, good luck (again!).