Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Fat hippo
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It had a NRV, and I completely rewrote the entire thing. A review would be nice. ~ Readmesoon
|Humour:||5||The Lead and First Section: 6.
First, while this may be a formatting comment, I suggest combining and maybe trimming down these first two sections into one, as they do basically discuss the same thing. Since you mention Star Wars a few times, you might want to put these references next to each other, or maybe even just devote a paragraph for these. Otherwise, go through the bigness jokes you make and trim out the ones that you don't like as much; while this could easily be funny and set the tone for the rest of the article, right now, it's a little bit too repetitive.
Habitat and Lifestyles: 4. My problem here is that the text contained in here doesn't really correspond with the Habitat and Lifestyles title, and it begins to stray into nonsensicality. The section opens with some exetreme exaggerations on the hippo's size; this point has been made. Similarily, the second paragraph in here seems to steer off in a different direction that lost me. This section could be reworked to maybe talk about how the hippos cope with their size in the wild, or possibly just trimmed and integrated into your lead.
Human Interaction: 4. More missed opportunities. While the concept of people going to war with the hippos is amusing, you could write it more in an UnNews style, in that instead of just briefing over the events of the wars, there could be a more humorous take on the particular steps taken in the war as well as the general populace's reaction to the discovery of these massive, hippos. These massive, hungry hungry hippos.
How They Got Fat: 5. While the concepts you present are decent, they get a little bit nonsensical. Since you're writing about such a ridiculous concept, the funniest way to do it is exceptionally seriously. That being said, I think the Bee Allergy Theory is the strongest/funniest of the four and should probably be placed first in the list (so long as you change the Whale references in there to Hippos.) As well as this, don't present other theories in the middle of one; you mention Steven Spielberg in the God one, and that could easily be expanded into another theory instead of an addition near the end.
Destruction/Conclusion: 6. This is similar to the beginning, and I'm giving it the score I gave it with the assumption that you delete the repeat jokes you made here from the beginning (if you look, there's definitely some repeats.) I enjoyed the ice cream reference in here; you might want to see if you can do anything more with that idea. Also, combine these sections into one, as the Conclusion is a little short to stand on its own.
|Concept:||7||This is a rough concept to work on, and you're probably going to have a hard time deriving a lot of humor from it. The main joke is that there's really big animals; not that hilarious to begin with, but you've got some potential with human interactions, so long as you can think of some detailed and humorous events. Think UnNews story. With that, you saved it from NRV and definitely made it a keepable article, so points.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||There are definitely some problems prose-wise; strange capitalizations (you use the word Elephant, capitalized like that, a few times, and it doesn't need to be that way), some occasional typos, and as I mentioned before, you were talking about massive whales instead of hippos for a bit. Some sentences were a bit stiff ('So now you know all the cool stuff about hippos' in particular), and I highly suggest going back and checking everything out, slowly. Prose score will probably blast up to about a 8 or 9 after you do a nice, thorough check.|
|Images:||8||Big hippos; there's not a whole lot you can do with them. My only issue image wise is with the submarine one, because it just looks unnatural; maybe put up a request for it. Someone with decent Photoshop skills could make it look considerably more realistic. Other than that, everything image-wise/caption-wise is fine.|
|Final Score:||32||With some nice trims and expansions as necessary, as well as a thorough prose check, this could become a substantial and potentially hilarious article. Try fixing it up and making it a little less repetitious, then maybe resubmitting it to Pee Review. Good job in saving an article from the depths of NRV, however. It's pretty hard sometimes.|
|Reviewer:||--Mr. Monkey Pant-hoot here. 01:21, 17 August 2008 (UTC)|