Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Faith

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edit Faith

Hi there... err... just rewrote this article... it was in the rewrite section. I took the rewrite tag off though... This is my first real contribution, hope it's ok, I'm pretty happy with it anyway. I know there's some stuff I could probably expand on like the infection section. I don't want it to get too big and unwieldy by becoming too specific though, if that makes sense. Cheers. Tragicbooty 15:21, February 20, 2010 (UTC)

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Humour: 7.5 The way I review, I generally put the majority of my comments and suggestions in the humor section. This allows me to be lazy keep all of my thoughts organized. I'll give you my first impressions after one read through and then go in for a more detailed look section by section.

Initial Impressions

I'll be upfront, I'm a Christian, so some bias might effect this review, but I love good satire. I also like poking fun at myself, and in that regard I can appreciate good satire of religion as long as it isn't fundamentally militant against my own core beliefs, which certainly isn't the case here. The article was enjoyable to read, had a few cliches, but I loved the last section, especially the ending, that made me crack up quite a bit, very nice twist.

Section by Section

Introduction

Fairly straightforward. Introducing faith as a tangible virus rather than a concept isn't exactly the most novel, but it can still be funny. Your introduction is probably appropriately lengthed for the amount of content you have in the article. One thing I can suggest though is that you focus your initial list of symptoms to the ones you touch upon below. Your list of symptoms covers a wide base of emotions and actions, and I feel that the range is just too great to be believable (since your going for realist satire in the article). I also like the little quip about self-delusion.

Infection Process

This works, but I feel like it's fairly short and undetailed. Now, I know you say you don't want this article to get too detailed and such, and this is probably a good idea. I feel as though if it went too far in-depth it would just feel dumb. however, I think you can expand this section by about a paragraph or so without this happening.

Evolution

Ok, this is a good section. I feel as though you should discuss the fact that, if faith were an actual virus, it would be at epidemic levels worldwide. You could also tie this into general trends in religion, such as the creation of Islam, or Buddhism, showing when there were spikes in the spread of the disease. You could also talk about pandemics in the United States and Britain, i.e. the Great Awakenings. Just ideas for expanding. You should probably talk about the history around the creation of these different strains. One particular example that comes to mind would be Islam, perhaps Muhammad became aware of his infection, and decided that he desired to spread it to other people, or something of the like. You could do the same thing with the Romans and Catholicism.

Symptoms

What you have here is really good parody. However, one glaring thing that sticks out to me that is so obvious is the desire so many people have had over the millennia to die for their beliefs. Suicidal ideation is a real medical term, and I think it can be applied here, such as in people whose infection is highly progressive (i.e. severe cases). This of course goes along with martyrdom and suicide bombers. Such quips as, sane people will compromise their beliefs in order to save themselves whereas an infected personal will irrationally die for their delusions, are made possible (as an example).

Scope of Infection

This is a good idea, using maps showing worldwide beliefs as percentages in terms of infection is good. However, your map isn't factually accurate. Now, I know that facts are discouraged, but a factual graph on religion stats would add to the satire. I think a funny photoshop would be a map that has every country except Europe, china, vietnam, and cuba blanked in red would be funny. A more realistic map that you can mess around with is here.

this section also has potential (just like the evolution section) to contain even more social satire, such as about the crusades, Europe's many religious wars and so forth.

Possible Cures

This section is actually pretty good in terms of satire and parody. I don't know how possible the "common sense" compound is in chemists terms, but it's still funny. What I especially like was the toss straight from center field though with the lightening strikes and destroyed lab, I found that to be an incredibly funny twist.

Final Humor Comments

Fairly funny piece, I think it could use some expansion with more social satire, but the ending is perfect, I very much enjoyed it. The reason this is a 7.5 is that it feels like it lacks a certain very humors joke or line somewhere in the middle. the ending is great, but you should probably try and fit one more really good joke in the middle

Concept: 7 This is a fairly short piece, but for the most part it works. I feel as though the concept of religion being a disease isn't especially new or original in terms of satire, but you make it work. I think you do a good job of mimicking an encyclopedic tone throughout, but I would read the wikipedia article on influenza for ideas on further expansion. I felt as though you didn't hit up the social satire bit as much as you could have, and leaving out the idea of martyrdom and suicide bombing hurt your score here in my eyes. Adding more social satire and something about suicidal thoughts in extreme cases under symptoms will make this article better imo.
Prose and formatting: 9.5 Very good and appropriate tone throughout the article, and very good control. this could have easily devolved into a mudslinging event, but your control of the humor is very good in all sections of this article. Your choice of words and synonyms is also very good.

This, however, is the reason i didn't give you a perfect 10; "Then "Generalis religica" begat "Generalis judaica" which begat "Generalis christianica" which begat "Generalis islamica" which begat "Generalis catholica" which begat "Generalis protestantica" and so on and so on." You repeat 'which begat' way too much. It ruins your jokes and is way too repetitive. Find ways to break this up with different transitions between your terms. If you choose to expand a little with this section and include history and example in between mutations, this suggestion will be irrelevant I think. Never the less, it is an issue that should be dealt with.

Images: 5.5 your images include no captions. You need to make these images into 'thumbs,' which you've done with the last image. That said, you also need to come up with some good captions for these pictures. Picture captions are a wonderful opportunity for witty one-liners or subtle sarcasm. I'll go in and give thoughts about each image:
  • First image is relevant, and good, for this style of article. There isn't much you can do to make the overall image much funnier, and I think doing so would detract from the overall mood your article creates. You do need to make this image a thumb and add a good caption though.
  • Not quite sure what you're trying to accomplish with the second image... it's too small to be effective. It also needs a thumb caption. I think you need to make this image larger and just include it at the beginning of the list so that it straddles the entire list instead of trying to cram it into the delusions section. The reader will be able to make the connection on their own which symptom it belongs with, especially if you include the caption you currently have with a thumb version.
  • The map is good, and shouldn't be a thumb. the way you've formatted it is perfect, but your map needs some editing. I already touched on this earlier, so refer to those comments.
  • The last picture is perfect, and so is the caption, for this section.

Your score was hurt by the lack of captions, the size of the cup picture, and from the very general nature of your images. I think you could include an extra image if you expand the article more. you should make the image itself funny and have it relate to maybe symptoms or the evolution of the virus. I'll leave that decision completely to you.

Miscellaneous: 7.5 My overall level of enjoyment from reading the article. (the .5 is to make it a nice round score)
Final Score: 37 This is a very good start. Your tone is excellent throughout and your content is good. All you really need to do is look over your image situation, expand just a little, add one more really good joke in the middle, and you have a featurable piece in my opinion. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to hit me up at my talk page.
Reviewer: --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 00:56 EST 21 Feb, 2010 If you found this review helpful, I would really appreciate your vote for Reviewer of the Month!



edit Cheers

Hey thanks alot! Thats cool and very helpful. I agree about the infection process being not detailed enough and you're right about the cup picture, I did just shove that in at the last minute as it were, because I felt it needed an image somewhere around the middle... If I'd have looked around more I'm sure I could have found something more appropriate.

I do subtly reference suicide bombers once (the Fundamentalis islamica population explosions) but i could make more of a thing of it like you say with the medical terminology.

The begat thing was a direct reference to Matthew (obviously) which is very repetitive itself. Although near the end of that passage there are little breaks in between "begats" with things like ",about the time they were carried away to Babylon" which I could put in there. I'll try to edit the map. I did get it from a Public Domain Religion site so God knows how accurate it is. :)

Thanks again anyway, It's been really helpful... I may well consider you for nomination :) CheersTragicbooty 11:17, February 21, 2010 (UTC)

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