Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Extraterrestrial life

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edit Extraterrestrial life

you know its bad when you don't understand.your own writing, so I totally reworked the article back to a more conventional base. I hope it is vfh ready now.--Nikau 02:29, October 16, 2011 (UTC)

I've got this, but give me like 4 days, I'm kind of in a rush work-wise. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 09:15, October 19, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 7 Hi Nikau, first time I'm reviewing one of your articles, so I'd like to say upfront that I like to put suggestions in my reviews, they are there to help spark ideas, so do not put them in the text literally (unless you find they're really good :D). There is a great chance that with some reflexion, you can come up with something better than what I wrote on the fly. I also whine and bitch a lot. DISCLAIMER: Everything in there is my personal opinion, it's not like I'm pretending to be the comedy God himself.

Man I don't know if it's me, but despite being very funny most of the time and having a nice prose, the article is somewhat confusing in some passages, but maybe it is because I am not an incredible prose artist myself or because it is a rewrite. There are times in the article where I had to read a passage 2 or 3 times because I didn't get it. I suspect the average reader will experience the same symptoms. For that reason, I gave it a 7 in the humor department, but it can be improved easily, as I can see you are a great writer. OK, let's split the article section by section there, shall we?

Intro

Maybe the first sentence doesn't really deserve to be isolated this much... I don't know, it feels and looks kind of awkward... and so does the intro. I mean, when you are talking about the album photo of mankind, I think it relates to the past and then immediately after you talk about humans eventually invading another planet. Or is it the ETs invading us? You could throw the greatest joke in there, but it is so damn confusing as to what exactly you are talking about that any joke would fall flat under this current state in my humble opinion.

"Before probing them and stuffing them in a tank full of green slime, as a good article should" LOL, but how can an article do that? Suggestion: "as any decent, down to earth alien hunter equipped with a Disintegrator 32 plasma gun would, such as the author of this article"

Ancient

Gotta love the first paragraph and the 4 elements, I laughed. After that, I think that this section is funny in its humor, but on the fringe of being confusing. Great false links, but here is one I think is a bit irrelevant: "high school geometry question." You have a great deal of funny false links throughput the article, but that one could go in my view. I could not help to think that somewhere in the history section, you could incorporate the tale of an ancient philosopher being abducted by aliens, maybe in a {{quote}}. This could make for a whole section and provide extra laughs, since the most technologiacally advanced thing that historical figure has ever seen is probably the wheel! Imagine Thales or Socrates in a spaceship lol. Just a suggestion. This could help you fill the void left by huffing the confusing parts of the first 3 sections. Or just rework these parts. Also, don't forget to link it to my article Heaven's Gate if you do add something about alien abduction!

Early modern

HAHAHA, this whole section is hilarious! The whole "Giordano Bruno" reference is awesome. The pope citation is great too, but a bit confusing, call me unclever if you want. Is he trying to dissociate himself from the topic since he doesn't want to be executed? I think there is a good chance that's what you meant, but it could be clarified just a bit since I think the reader is pretty likely to miss the joke here. Maybe it would be a good time to use a false link: he probably doesn’t want to go through the whole cross thing again."

Modern

"With the further development of the telescope in the late 19th century to more closely document the gaseous compositions of the larger planets, scientific discussion took on the thought process of a typical home owner and concluded our particular address was exceptional." Am I the only one that thinks this could use some clarification? :P

The rest of the paragraph is great, I laughed! But as a Pee Review is (in my mind anyway :P) a desperate attempt to find something to bitch about (in a constructive manner of course), this chunk of text struck me as "trying too hard" in the prose department: " physicists have endeavoured to establish an exhaustive list of strata regulations, or laws of nature, [...]". How about "physicist established a grocery list they nonchalently called Bill H.R. 1337, or Extraterrestrial Regulation Act." You know, simplifying things a bit. Said list of laws is simply hilarious! Maybe you could add another, since you have a great imagination.

Mars

Another lulzy false link at the beginning! Good thinking! Copied from the article: "those worlds known for storing questionable substances." The joke here falls kinda flat. Consider reworking this.

The holiday project thing is hilarious, maybe you could add some evidence they left behind: they left their toolboxes or half-finished tuna sandwiches. Maybe a porn ET magazine lol.

Here is another sentence that I don't quite get, although I am fairly sure there is an attempt at a joke here: "Atmospherically Mars tends to be fairly unstable, often experiencing planet wide dust storms, particularly after being studied by another damn probe for where it keeps the liquid water." After reading the start of it, I was bracing myself for a nice punchline, but that is one occurance where the confusing prose takes away from the funniness thinks I.

Europa

So you're a swinging alligator? LOL The first paragraph is lulzy in its total randomness, but the second paragraph fails a bit in its transition. Maybe you could say "smoothness and calmness" to solve that little issue. Doing so would not ruin the great joke about jazz that follows, on the contrary. Suggestion: Since the planet is floating and has a chilled surface, you could come up with a joke about how the planet is "just chillin'. Some puffs of smoke can also be seen sporadically emanating from its core."

"Europa offers not simply a water front views but water-water-everywhere–nor-any-drop-to-drink" I get what you are trying to say, but find it very confusing o.0

The rest of the section is good, although borderline confusing. "organelles", "eukaryotic": What the hell does that mean? I know English is not my maternal language, but I suspect a lot of readers won't know what it is too. I respect a lot your awesome vocab, but that's another example of trying too hard in the prose department in my view: people won't laugh if the language is not on their level.

Titan and the pic after it

LOL, I really like it. I think the "cold" false link could be trashed as it is not funny, but the text certainly is great! Maybe you coud make a reference to the secret of the Caramilk and compare the planet to it since you are talking about chocolate? Another sentence I don't get though: "including exceedingly shallow gradients as the offspring of taxons with stock portfolios experience here on Earth."

"verdant years": I guess that means light years? I didn't know that nomenclature. Will the reader know? Me iz skeptical. LMAO at the cornfield thing. Really great joke. I didn't find anything else to whine about. :(

Contact and see also

LOL, the See also is very good, nice conclusion. I think the article is about of appropriate length and I suggested adding a new section. I think with a new section, it would really be maximum length. Some very selective huffing could also help.

Concept: 8.5 The concept is great, as there is a lot of comedy potential in this topic, and despite being sometimes on the randomness/confusion border as I outlined, you exploit it very well generally thinks I. Remember that there are certainly people that like extreme randomness more than I do, though. In my articles, I am seldom random, it is a skill I don't really have. So bear in mind that I have a small, tiny bias against extreme randomness.
Prose and formatting: 7 The prose is great, but I have said earlier, it sometimes feel like the article is just trying too hard to look good in the prose department and ends up being confusing! I corrected some typos, as people always kindly do it for me on my articles. Also, I'd say the false links are very funny throughout the article, this is excellent.
Images: 6.5 It's not really the images that are funny, it's the captions! I like the nice images of the planets, Europa and Titan. Astronomy is fascinating.
  1. I really like the first pic and its caption, very imaginative and kicks the article off nicely!
  2. "Still safer than being a scientist in the 16th century" This relates very well to the text, you could put the pic a little lower since it relates so much to the section's text and if the reader reads the caption before reading the text, he won't get it. Why not put the code just before " Giordano died [...]". If you agree with me of course.
  3. Mmmm.... I think you could come up with a funnier reason as to why the martians left... Maybe they had depleted Mars' Green Goo and they thought Earth was full of it seeing it from afar? Very random suggestion here.
  4. Errr, the caption doesn't work for me. It's confusing and I can tell it contains a joke attempt, but I just can't put the finger on it. Needs to be reworked in my humble opinion.
  5. Maybe you could add "two monocles, three bicolars and a telescope". The rest of the caption is a bit confusing, maybe rework that?
  6. HAHAHA! This picture is just awesome! Nice ending to the article :D
Miscellaneous: 7.5 That's the rating I would give it so far.
Final Score: 36.5 You have a great prose, a great concept and a lot of imagination, so there are some great jokes in there. I hope I am not discouraging you when I said that the article should be clarified in some passages, and that this is what I see as the only (but major) flaw, especially in the intro and on some pics' captions.

But the jokes and the passages that are clear (and there are many!) are just awesome. If someone has the capabilities to do it, it is you. I saw you were all over recent changes writing a lot, and great stuff. Now time to fine-tune some shit. Feel free to come out blazing on my talkpage and tell me if you are stuck for ideas or are done retouching the article, I sure will take another read considering I already enjoyed that one and may just nom it for vfh. The proof I liked it is that incredibly freaking long review!

Reviewer: Snowflake mini Mattsnow 08:37, October 21, 2011 (UTC)
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