Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Express kidnapping

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edit Express kidnapping

TheDarthMoogle (talk) 17:16, May 17, 2013 (UTC)

Humour: 8 I liked all your jokes. Parts which I liked the most were about walking in the walled garden, meditation, mortality result.However, almost all of talked about how a person spends is time with his kidnappers. Below are the suggestions for other jokes:
  • You can give examples of people who have experienced these holidays and liked it or not.
  • You could make a joke on the government (of any country) which sometimes reacts slowly to what is happening and doesn't do everything to get those people saved.
  • In addition to everything said, you associate express kidnapping with a style of holidays and explain why it is good, but at one point you say 100% mortality rate. I think this can break your writing style and humor style. To improve this, you can put: "Although the promoters of such vacations convince thier clients that nothing will happen to them, there have been several death cases. Etc.".
Concept: 10 I can't find any negative points about your concept. I think it is very well-developed. If you want some suggestions of jokes, I have added them in the "'Humor"' section.
Prose and formatting: 7 Good writing-style! I did not notice any bad grammar but, just to make sure, you can ask for a Proofreading service (add {{Proofread}} at the end of your article). Also, there are several defects I noticed:
  • I didn't really understand why one of your sections is called "A History" and not just "History" (which would maybe sound better.
  • Long sentences are always hard to read. One of your longest sentences is: "Later revisions... to end the holiday early". If the sentence is broken up into several smaller parts, it would be more encyclopedic and legible.
  • The article doesn't have a lot of links. The sections that don't have any are: "'Paseo millonario"', "'Maritime adventure"'. In the last section there is a red link, which (possibly) could be modified.
  • There are several bits of second person. "You" can easily be remplaced by "client".
Images: 6 The first image is very good as well as its comment. But the absence of any others creates an impression that your article is unfinished.
Miscellaneous: 7.8 Average score.
Final Score: 38.8 Very good article! But there is still some work needed especially on the formatting. Several jokes can also be added.
Reviewer: Anton (talk) 08:54, May 19, 2013 (UTC)
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