Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Endorphins

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Revision as of 10:17, September 15, 2010 by Jaysonboi (talk | contribs)

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edit Endorphins

Hey peeps. This is an article about Endorphins (captain obvious). I was completely Bat Fuck Insane when i wrote this so ENJOY!!

Jaysonboi 13:44, September 11, 2010 (UTC)

Peregrine-falcon This Falcon will no hesitate to peck out your eyes if you review this article. That is probably because PeregrineFalcon999 has booked it. You have been warned.

I suppose I'll have a go at reviewing this.--Some_idiot.png (CUN) 21:18, September 12, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 3 Hello there. Congrats on your first article - now it's time to improve it to it's best. For now, ignore the scores on the left side. They're there so you can measure the amount of improvement you actually need to make, but at the moment they don't quite matter. If you just concentrate on the comments then we can really juice out of the good stuff from your article.

I like the way you start your article. In that sense, the first two sentences. Sadly, from then on, the ideas that you have raised in the first sentences have been turned on their head. Your article just gets, well, bat fuck insane. Rape, vagina, gay bars, fuck, rape, fuck, shit, grue, death, rape. I don't know about everyone else here, but I don't find the majority of all this that funny. But don't think I'm asking you to delete all this. No, you can keep it - to an extent.

First of all, delete the in-jokes. Batfuck insane, and the Grue references, for example. In-jokes like these are just over-done on Uncyclopedia. Because of that, they don't add any humor into the article, and just get tiring and put the reader off.

But wouldn’t deleting all the batfuck insane references ruin that whole concept? No. That’s the thing about writing – you don’t have to tell the reader that they’re crazy, you can SHOW them. It’s like saying to your friend that a joke is really funny, but you have forgotten the joke. You’ve got to TELL the joke to get the laughs. In other words, you have to give us examples of how these dolphins are that insane.

You should also make your article more Wikipedia style. When talking about an evil dolphin that is insane and rapes people, it would be much funnier if you said it all in a serious tone.

Concept: 2 You don’t really have much of a concept here – which is a shame, considering some of your ideas. The best sections are the lists at the bottom – they actually have the potential to be very funny. Here you have also left behind the mad, rape filled style you started with, and your new style here has even made me chuckle at places. In other words, that's good! I like these lists – sure, they might need a bit of pruning and fixing up here and there, but they’ve got a good base of style to work on. Try and bring the rest of your article closer to this style of tone.

At this point you should have greatly changed the basic content of your article, if you’ve followed me this far. Now you need to expand. At the moment you’ve got two lists, and a section on habitat and behavior. Check out Wikipedia articles on animals – look at all the different sections. Name origin, species, evolution, anatomy, senses, behavior, social behavior, reproduction, feeding, vocalizations, playing, sleeping, appearance in mythology, literature and art… the list goes on. Each of these sections could take up a large paragraph. That said, you shouldn’t use all those sections – I’m just giving you as many examples as possible.

Prose and formatting: 3 Your first half of the article is very insanely written, which definitely hurts any attempts at humor. The second half, the two lists, are better. As I have said, you should try and use your better style of prose to change the earlier sections.

Your article doesn’t look great. Here are the main problems…

  • Red links (links that lead to a page that doesn’t exist) don’t look good. Delete them.
  • The huge sentence linked in the habitat section looks bad as well. Don’t link sentences that big.
  • There are a number of spelling mistakes in your article. Always re-read your article to find these mistakes and fix them. If you’re naturally just a bad speller, add the {{Proofread}} tag to your article.
  • But the biggest problem is…
Images: 0 …you have no pictures. Pictures are very important to articles. Not only do they improve the looks of your article, but give it extra humor. My advice? Get some pictures. Obviously you should get a picture of the endoprhin itself, but for each section in your article, there are many subjects that could be made into pictures. If a quick Google image search doesn’t yield the images you want, then it’s always great to check out Image Request, where there are great photoshoppers who will attend to your requests.
Miscellaneous: 2.5 Averaged your scores and added half a point.
Final Score: 10.5 Did you understand all that? To recap the main points…
  • Delete the meme references – Grues, ‘bat fuck insane’ and such
  • Try and keep a serious tone for the majority of the article
  • Instead of saying ‘They are bat fuck insane’, SHOW it
  • Use the style from your lists to help out the first part of your article. Mostly keep away from too much rape related stuff, but if you do, do it in a funny way
  • Use Wikipedia articles to find new things you could say about your subject – really juice out everything!
  • Fix up formatting and grammar stuff, and then add pictures!

Finally, as you would have changed your article a lot, it would be great to put it up for one last review.

I hope the scores haven’t seemed a bit harsh. What really counts here is you following the main comments I have talked about here, so you can crank out a really good article. I hope I have helped!

Reviewer: --Some_idiot.png (CUN) 05:30, September 13, 2010 (UTC)


Its about ready for another review I suppose. Genius image added by one of the skillfuls in the Image Request.

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