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So I saw a picture of the Eiger, and thought, "If that mountain had a personality, it would be an egomaniac." This was the result. In depth, please. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 20:39, September 24, 2010 (UTC)
I'm reviewing this. Right now. This very instant. I am.-- 20101021 - 14:54 (UTC)
Or not; I apparently got sidetracked shortly after typing that... oh well. Doing it now.
|Concept:||8||Oh, hello, Eiger. Are you really the most badass mountain in the Alps? Frankly, it's sounding like you're all talk. Sure, you killed some climbers, but what mountain worth its bedrock hasn't, hmm? And why are you informing a little hillock such as myself about your awesomeness; why do you care what I know or think? Am I not beneath you, literally and figuratively?
Sorry, love, but if you need to actually defend your awesomeness to one such as me, I'ma only doubt it more; you're just trying to prove it to yourself, aren't you? Convince the little ones you really are grand and thus cement the notion in your mind. Kill your own nagging doubts. Sure, sure, you've killed a few dozen climbers, but really, haven't we all? Alright, I admit, the ones I killed were actually half a colony of ants, but still. Officially classified hillock, here. But you're actually a full-blown mountain, a monolith, a monstrosity. And ogre... no, you are the Ogre, so live up to your name! Stop trying to convince yourself and just do it!
Although, if you get bored enough, you could build in the hillock's notion that the mountain is actually uncertain of itself; little hints and clues. It could be kind of funny. It could also fail and utterly ruin it. Er, don't do that unless you really want to.
|Humour:||6||The awesomeness... eh, you could really use more of an introduction. Something introducing. Something awesome. Really awesome. Maybe just a ramble about just how really awesome it is, maybe some highlights, maybe just some further emphatic insistence upon the awesomeness... just add something; it feels so barren and baseless like that.
The sections themselves are somewhat disparate, though. I'm not sure why they're divided up the way they are; I'm called this, folks think this of me, here's some other stuff. It's not really backing up how awesome it is. Granted, the thing ain't a writer, but even the average fellow talks about itself in a logical order, with each thing flowing from the previous, and the more self-absorbed, the more needless detail woven into it all. And the more (often) subtle and unconscious derogation of the audience than whom it's better.
What I am suggesting is that reorganise the thing - the name, the reputation, the general awesomeness could of course stay rather effectively - perhaps even end with a section of literally awesomeness, but weave the 'stuff about it' into the other sections.
The sections as they are:
|Prose and formatting:||5||Eh, since the thing's pretty short, you might as well hide the table of contents, unless it's really important to you. Like, reeaally important. Or if you add more stuff. Or something. I, of course, would say go with what looks prettiest!
Also, it gets fairly listy... so let alone ego-stroking, you should probably sort out the sections into a more logical concept flow just for the sake of readability. Go from idea to idea. It starts by introducing the idea of the egotistical mountain, where does the mountain really make solid the idea of its awesomeness? Where does it tie together all of it into definite awesome? Needs more of a conclusion, love.
And try to keep your units straight. If you're using feet, stick to feet. If km, stick to km. Although the thing is in Switzerland; who uses feet in Switzerland?
In other news, proofread. Even the image captions.
|Images:||6||Bigger images would suit the huge ego better, dontcha think? I say this because they look small even on my tiny screen, so why not make them bigger? Pretty sure 1024 is the smallest anyone uses these days, so it can't hurt to feed the ego.
General picture of the Eiger - good choice. The clouds add to the epic feel, rather serving its massive stature... not sure about cowering, though. What makes it so glorious? I'm inclined to go siding with the hillock again...
Climber - it's so tiny! Aww. So it died, then? How'd it die? Surely one so proud of itself might want to go into a little detail, relive the event a mite? I know I keep going back to the creek I buried the young lady and her baby... she was such a pretty thing, and that baby put up a hell of a fight. It's nice to just sit and remember... okay, I admit, the mountain's not a serial killer guy or anything, but... well, it does take its reputation seriously, at any rate, and its reputation involves killing people, so it might put more stake in the killings.
Eiger Sanction - but the Eiger itself isn't even pictured! Why would it show such an image, some guy climbing it, when it's not actually shown? The referring to him as some guy, as with the others, is a nice touch, at least.
|Miscellaneous:||5||Number based on the other numbers and the fact that it caught my interest.|
|Final Score:||30||Make this flow and make it truly self-absorbed and obsessive, and it should be lovely, indeed. You certainly have the start of something grand, here. Anyhoo, hopefully this will help and won't make too little sense. Best of luck to you, and all. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go reminisce about my old possessions.|
|Reviewer:||-- 20101022 - 03:55 (UTC)|