Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Edward the blue engine (resubmit)

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edit Edward the blue engine

This is the new improved version of Edward the blue engine. I got a pretty rubbish review last time, so I have completely refurbished it (now with seating!). I haven't done any thing about images though, as my computer thinks it's funny to come up with an error message every time I try to upload an image.

JeNkIn (lol cheese) 08:20, 6 September 2008 (UTC)

Blue ranger Orian57 is currently reviewing your article.

Conversely he is also whoreing: Why?:Am I a Power Ranger?

Humour: 3 There really wasn’t much that made me smile here. The problems are mostly in relation to the scatter gun approach to humour. Ideas spring up and then leave randomly and it serves only to confuse the reader. Try being more consistent and maybe bringing up the same idea several times.

When you’re introducing a joke (which rarely happened here) it’s usually best to make it sound official (using interesting, official language (like on Wikipedia, sometimes it can be hilarious just because of how seriously it’s taking the dire subject of Marmalade)) and taking it more seriously so it sounds sincere.

But mostly look at concept and prose.

Concept: 3 The problem here is there doesn’t seem to be one. To start with the article has Edward as a real train and then towards the end switches to him being a fictional character being analysed. You should settle on one (I’d suggest him being a real train as that can open up other ideas) and keep that all the way through.

The ideas seem far too random and completely incoherent. It doesn’t work. You need a central idea behind it as him being created, and then swiftly abandoned, by Martians has no substance as it came from nowhere and went no where.

Try building up a character for Edward. Talk about his acting career, childhood and then about how he went on to do freelance mercenary work (there was an idea like that there that I found quite amusing it just needs expansion). Admittedly that is a bit random seeming and if there is anything from the show you can use that’ll be closer to the truth do so. But I think, by the fact he’s a children’s TV character, he’s probably quite 1 dimensional so giving him extra dimensions will probably be quite amusing.

Prose and formatting: 3 It was way too scattered and inconstant; like the previous review mentioned it jumped around and didn’t gel together very well.

Admittedly this is probably something people will be looking for, so they’ll already know where this train comes from, but you really need to say “Children;s TV series Thomas The Tank Engine” and introduce it better for people who may stumble across this and if nothing else just so it feels a bit more like a Wikipedia article.

However the opening few words were good "Edward is an anthropomorphic steam locomotive " (spellchecked by the way) but you need to carry on in this sort of language, taking it a bit more seriously and that means when you say some of the sillier things it sounds funnier.

The format wasn’t great. I personally don’t like quotes but if you have to have them make them have some relation to the article. And only have the quote templates at the top of an article, never in the middle, it looks messy. In fact with this sort of article it’s best not to quote the character (unless you’re doing it first person) anyway, generally quotes are used only in UnNews.

Also don’t use that block of black nothingness. It’s ugly if you’re going to have something censored, make it actually censored using the template:

{{c|This text is hidden}}

and make it worth the bother moving the cursor all the way over to the bit that’s censored.

Try and avoid doing trivia sections as it’s very hard to get interested in false trivia and lists are boring.

Images: 2 There is only one, of poor quality, it’s too small and the caption wasn’t very funny.

Try fixing the error if you can and get some better pictures that tie in with whatever idea you run with.

Miscellaneous: 2.75 averaged score of other fields
Final Score: 13.75 If you haven’t already read HTBFANJS. If you have already, read it again. Alternatively this style tends to fit in better over at Illogicopedia so you may want to take it over there. If you’d like to thank/ask/insult me about anything please visit my talkpage.
Reviewer: SK Sir Orian57Talk Gay flag RotM 02:09 12 September 2008
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