Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/ELP

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edit ELP

Grumblegrump 17:16, January 16, 2010 (UTC)

I'll review this for you at some point tonight or over the next 24 hours --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 16:09 EST 23 January, 2010

Humour: 7.5 First off, I want to say that I am a big progressive metal and rock fan, however, I never really got into ELP or King Crimson much, so I don't know to much about them, which can be a good thing for a review. The key to something being humorous imo is that there should be a mix of general humor and inside jokes, which I can tell you have done here. There really isn't anything stupid in this article (well, INCREDIBLY stupid that is), which is a huge plus. One glaring thing in my mind that caught me off guard when reading this was your inclusion of the work 'fucking' in the sentence "It was famous for containing fucking loads of keyboard solos, drum solos and a ballad by Greg Lake, called Lucky Man." under 'From the Beginning.' I'm fairly certain that this is the only place in your article that you use strong profanity and it really doesn't mesh well. Profanity can be hilarious in the right situation, but here it just doesn't do it for me. I would get rid of or redo that particular sentence.

I'm both confused and delighted with this sentence under 'Tarkus'; "Palmer decided to expand his drumset to include 42 cymbals, 42 tom-toms, 42 bass drums, 42 snare drums, a Chinese gong and a bell, which he would play by pulling a rope with his mouth." I really love the last part of the sentence, which I have underlined for you. That I think is one of the funniest lines in this whole article. It conveys that the drummer thinks he so brilliant that he can do all of this and doesn't realize how stupid and foolish he looks. I'm also assuming that that didn't actually happen at any point, so it's a good use of fictional satire. However (lol), that first part doesn't make much sense to me. You use the number 42 without context (which may be a joke connected to the meaning of life from HGTG) multiple times and link it every single time. I really didn't find that funny and it felt forced. Not linking the numbers and changing them up might make it funnier, I really don't. It's your piece, so I'll simply recommend that you revisit that first part of the sentence.

This may tie in better with the 'prose' section of review, but I feel that some sort of direct transition between the sections 'photography' and 'lobotomy' would be more humorous, something like adding "the masterpiece was not far off" (or something like that, just a crappy off the top of my head suggestion for text) to the beginning of the lobotomy section.

this sentence has a HUGE amount of potential for being hilarious, "This album is considered ELP's masterpiece, because of the song Karn Evil 9, which, according to legend lasts half an hour, although this cannot be confirmed, as nobody ever actually finished listening to the song." But I feel it stumbles all over itself and feels forced. It also feels a little long winded. I would take this concept and redo it in maybe two separate sentences for length purposes and fiddle around with the arrangement in order to find something that flows better. I think the excessive use of comas and different clauses is what I'm talking about.

I think the numbered list, especially #4 is pretty funny, but I'd make the numbers on the list match your number of reasons. I don't know if it was a mistake to say three reasons and list four or not, but I don't think it really adds to anything, so i would just list '4'

I like your use of false-linking pages, I think a lot of good in-universe humor on Uncyclopedia stems from doing this, but I think you link to 'ego' just a tad bit too much. I'm not really complaining about the number of false links you have, I would just change some of the links themselves to something other than ego, but keep what they say in-text though, they're quite funny.

I gave a 7.5 because I thought the overall feel of the article was quite humorous, little improvements could turn this into an 8 or an 8.5 article in my mind. The addition of new material to the article wouldn't hurt either, in the form of anecdotes about specific tours or being on the road, inter-band interactions and such. a little bit of expansion and editing could easily turn this into a 9 piece.

Concept: 8 Not too many people are going to know off the bat what 'ELP' stands for, nor are they going to know about the band or maybe even prog rock. however, what you've done with the concept so far is accessible to your average internet troll, so you get a solid 8 here.
Prose and formatting: 7 There are a few issues here. You have quite a few red links. This can be solved by unlinking those words, or by simply changing what those red links actually link to. Based on the use of false linking in your article, I greatly assume that you know how to do this.

I would expand your article just a little bit more to add more substance. I often come across pages that are just too long, but I think there's room in your article for expansion without becoming long winded.

I would also (and this is a change I think I would really insist on) think that changing the very first line of the article to something like, "ELP, or Emerson Lake and Palmer as they are sometimes also known," or something to that effect for those peons out there who have no fecking clue what ELP is, would be very wise.

you also have a few syntax and spelling errors, I'd just copy and paste from the edit screen into MS word and run spell and grammar check.

Images: 5.5 your first image and caption is great! your second, not so much. The image is ok, but it's a little plain. A really funny caption would remedy this, but the one you have right now didn.t do it for me. granted, that is just my opinion, and you are totally in your rights to simply ignore it.

I think 3 images would be better than two based on the current length of your article. If you expand it, depending on how much, I would have 4 or 5 total. Images, when strategically placed and captioned can make or break an article.

Miscellaneous: 8 fairly enjoyable article, but short. I would add an infobox at the side too with information like the record label, number of record, when formed and broken up, number of fans, etc. I'm a huge fan of infoboxes btw :) I think the AC/DC article has a good infobox, just replace your own elements where relevant in the code. That's what I did for my Dethklok article, SHHHHHH.
Final Score: 36 I like this article, it's a good start, that's for sure. Keep up the good work, I'll be interested to see how this turns out, and feel free to hit me up for a follow up review latter on if you want.
Reviewer: --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} waaaay too early, 03:31 EST 24 January, 2010

Thanks a lot, this is a hell of a review. I'll work on this article over the next week, and I might just ask for another review when I'm done.

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