So, it's done at last. This is the new version of the overview, with links to the other three articles in the series (Races, Classes, and the new one, Alignments & Deities), as well as short discriptions of them as well. I would just like a review of the overview, itself, however. I've got reviews on Races and Classes before, and I'm going to put Alignments & Deities up for review seperately. Thanks. Review Away. —UnführerGuildyRittervonGuildensternenstein 18:51, 23 June 2009 (UTC)
To be brutally honest, I didn't laugh while reading this article. I smiled once or twice, yes, but for the most part it reads too much like the actual rules to Dungeons and Dragons, long and not all that interesting. You need to make some major revisions. If I can use the abilities section as an example, you talk about Strength and Constitution, your descriptors sound like they've just been lifted wholesale out of a D&D manual and only given minor edits, as a result the whole section reads as flat and quite monotonous. If it were me writing the article I would either go completely sideways satirical each of the attributes, e.g. 'Intelligence: Directly diminishes your appeal to the opposite sex, the lower your intelligence the more women will be attracted to you, most Dungeons an Dragons players will already be familiar with this problem.' Something along those lines. Either that or you invent completely new abilities like 'Sponge-ability: The higher this rating is, the more likely people are to ask you for money, or pay rent for them'. I would definitely make it a satire on everyday life with a D&D flavour, what your doing is sort of halfway between being a satire on D&D and a satire on everyday life. A few more jokes about the monotony of everyday life would be good. Perhaps a description of game play would be cool. Something along the lines of 'In a Filing situation you must make a roll on your filing skill check for every document you file, this will typically entail something in the region of 700 rolls of a D12, making for an exciting 4 hours game-play.' Also, how about some descriptions of quests. 'QUEST ONE - The Henderson Account Quest -1. Collect the legal documents from Chad in accounting 1a. (Optional) Flirt with Chad's secretary -2. Take the legal document to Magnus in distribution -3. Get shouted at by Magnus for bringing the wrong documents -4. Go back to Chad's office with the documents -5. Listen to Chad's lies about a computer problem and observe his thinly disguised hatred of you -6. Get Chad a coffee while he goes to Neil's to get the actual documents -6a. Get back early from the coffee and flirt with Chad's secretary some more -6b. Piss in Chad's coffee...' etc. etc. Try and get across the monotony of life, don't try and make it exciting, try and leave out the drug dealing stuff, it sounds too much like a real game I might actually want to play. This is the D&D game of real life and you need to make it sound like something that no-one would ever want to play ever. Hope that helps.
OK, I've touched on this already... I really like the idea of a role-playing game for everyday life, it sounds like something that could be really funny, fo sho. However, at the moment, what you have written lacks direction. Is it a wacky take on real-life, is it a satirical take on the monotony of life... etc. In my opinion, the stuff that works best will be the stuff about the monotony of life, although perhaps I'm limiting the article in this view, I would lean more to making it a sort of D&D for the office worker, type-deal. It just seems to have the most scope for humour, but by no means be pigeon hold by this. Some stuff about rolling a queuing skill check for trying to get in to the Salvation Army hostel would be pretty funny as well. In short, I think you should narrow your concept down a bit, if you try and write an article about every single bit of life ever, you'll either end up with an article so long that people won't want to read it or an article that tries to do so much it does nothing at all, which is what this is leaning toward at the moment. Refine, man, refine!
Prose and formatting:
It's about the sort of style you would expect from a D&D rule book, I suppose, that's really what your going for. Although I think you could adjust the formatting. The bits about sex and defense should be in a separate section, or sub-section at least, to the skills section. Also, how about some jokes about disappointing sex? Maybe a fumble sex check role of 2 or 3 results in premature ejac. or a poor speech skill check roll during results in you saying she smells like your mum. Apart from that, your writing style seems apt, just put a bit more thought in to your formatting
Images are unexploited enough. I don't get the David Duchovny stuff, maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't quite work for me. You really need some pictures of an indecipherable skill table sheet, a dice with 12 sides and just random numbers and symbols on the side. The images are the point when you can start doing some proper dungeons and dragons satire, put in pictures of the three guys asleep round a table and post a comment about how role-players get so involved in the game they actually think they are genuinely asleep at their work station in the game. Also, you know how D&D guys sometimes wear helmets and funky hats when they play D&D? Maybe if you could find something as an equivalent for your game. Tht would be a swell picture. Keep working on it
Just a word of caution, the racial profiling stuff is funny up until a point, your pushing it further than I probably would and you run the risk of making your article seem like a cheap shot at making lots of racist jokes, which I don't think it should be. Make it clear that when you make the jokes, you are making the jokes about how people tend to perceive the world and not making digs at black people or Jews just for the hell of it, it comes off as lazy, 'cheap-shot' humour and I think you can do better with this article, just a note of caution is all, it's a slippery slop (end cliches).
I'm sorry to be harsh, but this article isn't what it could be. I've kind of got an idea of where it could go (and it could be great by the way), but it'll take a serious overhaul. Because at the moment it just reads as dull. Good luck, keep me posted on the article, I want to see what you do with it next.