Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Drummer Bullying
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- I take this. ~ 07:27, Jun 13, 2010
This looks very unfinished, so my review will deal with what can potentially be done, as well is what is already there. What you need to do here is to turn a personal experience into a satire on rock bands in general, because more people would be able to relate to that. That also gives you more material. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with what you have now, but it's pretty straightforward and hasn't reach its full potential. Your biggest problem lies in concept.
Lead (5, elaboration needed) - First of all I don't like lead quotes, even when they're not Oscar Wilde and Chuck Norris. You know why? For one thing, Wikipedia doesn't have lead quotes. For another thing, I feel that when inexperienced writers use them, their opening introduction will turn out to be short and wanting. Lead quotes can create the illusion of an opening, but they are not. Removing your lead quotes not only makes you look more professional, it also forces you to write a longer and more substantial introduction. Or scrap that, just write a longer introduction. Introductions don't have to be the pinnacle of funny, but they need to quickly get the reader acquainted with the subject, the concept, the context and the style of writing. It sounds hard but it's not. Since your subject is not very well-known, your first sentence should tell your reader what exactly is it. For instance: Drummer bullying is the practice of harassing, assaulting and oppressing the drummer of a band by other non-drumming musicians. While this is not funny, it immediately tells the reader what they're reading, unlike your current first sentence which is not that adequate. And then you should continue your lead by briefly highlighting what the reader will encounter in the article. Like history: Throughout history, drummers have been subjected to bullying by their colleagues. And reason: The reason musicians bully their drummers is because they are elitist and stuffy (not a good reason, by the way). Anyway, don't use my examples because I don't think they fit your article, but there are tons of other stuff you can include in you lead. You're out of stuff do write because you don't have enough concept.
History (5.5 - slightly creative, but elaboration needed) - This shows slight creativity but then again, this is horribly short. Your giant picture in the middle makes it look long, but it actually is not. This section needs more expansion, and can be very funny only if you do more research. Put in more detail, names, places, etc. For instance, name some village drummers, some aristocrats who are notorious for bullying drummers etc. You can talk about how for instance, in an orchestra, the violinists will bully the percussionists, and the percussionists will bully the "gonger". Make up stuff, for example: "Drummer bullying has ruined many a good opera in its day. The Daily Telegraph in 1845 wrote about how Puccini's Madame Butterfly was rendered completely unlistenable when the conductor began stabbing the cymbalist with his stick. A similar event also occurred in a performance of Wagner's Die Walkure, but most people didn't notice or found the performance to be greatly improved." You see, instead of just elaborating on your personal anecdote, with research, I made up stuff that can satirise music in general. That was funny (or not depending on your taste) because the reviewers didn't care about the cymbalist, they only cared about the performance. And also Wagner was known for his loud and dramatic operas, which are like the heavy metal of classical music. So that, is how you make up stuff but remain grounded in reality. When you do research for this section, you can look at the different historical types of music, and think about how drummer bullying can apply to them.
By the way, lets talk about what you have now.
Modern drummer bullying (5, elaboration needed) - Same thing as above. Research and elaboration. Make up stuff about famous drummers from famous bands. Like: Not only was Lars Ulrich bullied by his band members, the general public also subjected him to a particularly horrible case of drummer bullying by refusing to pay for his songs. That's another example of how you satirise music. You see, not many people would have played in bands or know about what rockers do to their drummers, and even if they do, they wouldn't necessarily find it funny. By relating your subject to something that people would easily recognise, you have more of a shot of making them laugh. Make up stuff with research. Give examples. Another one: Spinal Tap's drummers keep dying. I'm sure there's something you can say about that. You can keep what you have now as introduction, but I'm not actually a fan of that "drummer treaty" thing. I feel that it's not really grounded in reality, unless it involves Lars Ulrich suing somebody.
Statistic (1) Glorified "trivia" section. Get rid. Move funny jokes to their relevant sections.
Further Reading (6) Is ok. Something bugs me about the formatting though. Maybe you need to put in in proper referencing format, like italicise the title and include the name of the publisher.
|Concept:||5||I feel the topic by itself is not that bad. But you concept, ie how you decide to tackle the topic, is lacking. Most of the time you're just very straightforward, ie. other musicians are stuffy and bang on the drummer's cymbals etc, and sometimes you show a bit of creativity, but generally you lack material. What you need to do is read HTBFANJS. And also figure out what exactly is it that you want to satirise, and what is it that you want to tell your reader. It is extremely important to have a clear focus in an article. And read our featured articles, especially featured articles on music.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||Prose and formatting complaints:
|Images:||6||Well, you only have two, because your article is short. I like the big one but not its formatting. The small one is ok, but its caption is not really related to your main subject, and more like a tangent. Avoid tangents. Anyway, after your rewrite where I hope you would have added more material, you can think about images then. Another thing is, when you write caption for images, try not to make them too close to the jokes in your actual passage. You can photoshop your own images or get someone to do it here: Uncyclopedia:RadicalX's Corner.|
|Miscellaneous:||5||I give Misc scores by gut feeling now.|
|Final Score:||26.5||If you need anything else, I'll be happy to help you. My talk page here.|
|Reviewer:||~09:28, Jun 13, 2010|