Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Drain-O Bombs

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edit User:Senceless/Drain-O Bombs

user:senceless 14:26, May 4, 2011 (UTC)

This shall be done, today or tomorrow or something. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 17:18, 16 May 2011
Prose and formatting: 6 The score would probably be a little less as it was, mind - I did some cleanup, so to speak, changed around the formatting a mite. Thing is, you want the article to look good visually as well as read well, generally, and often the two go hand in hand. Unless you're doing code, for instance, you generally don't want to use preformatted text - ie, lines starting with spaces. Put it in a list or table or some such. In this case, I changed it to a list, but you can change that to whatever. Just make it look good, eh?

You'll also probably want to look to improving the flow, as some of the sentences get a little awkward - some people say reading things aloud can help, both with finding redundancies and oddities, as well as places punctuation where you stop for breath, as that tends to be the proper place unless you happen to have asthma or something. I suppose. Overall your punctuation is pretty good, especially relative to most folks around here, but you do have some odd bits, excess colon for an inline list (don't need anything at the beginning for that), semicolon where there should just be a comma (only use a semicolon when the things on either side could be two separate sentences), etc.

As for your formatting in general, as well as overall article organisation (like having an introduction at the beginning, although what was the history section seems to have turned into a surprisingly effective one), which could also use work, your best bet for improvement probably won't be me yammering at you. Go look at some supposedly good articles, see how they tend to do it, and learn from them. And perhaps be entertained, to boot. Go on, they're worth it.

Images: 5 Your images are mostly alright, but if anything you have too many, especially for the amount of prose. Unless you're using images to make your points as much as your text, say, as what steps look like, in which case they'll probably wind up in the text instead of on the sides, well... they're on the sides. See how they kind of crowd the article, even after I put one to the left? It's more apparent on wider screens, mind, but you generally don't want them so close together.

That said, it probably wouldn't hurt to lose a couple on account of them seeming random, anyhow. The things out to support your prose, not deviate, so the recognisable grues and Mario are a little confusing. I mean, why Mario? You could swap him out for something else, or just emphasise the fact that he is indeed a plumber and make mention of the founder, Mario, in the body of the article itself so it doesn't seem random at all. Tie it in. And what's with the grues, all of a sudden? It doesn't make sense to cast Paris Hilton as a grue, especially, again, with no mention of that in the article save for an apparently random link and... well... why? Why would she be a grue? Anyhow, my point is, you may as well lose those. Spread out the others a little more.

Humour: 5 This article has a few good bits and a few not so good bits... problems mostly seem to come from deviating too far into the realm of pointless random as well as some instances of what was apparently pointless insulting of the reader. I emphasise pointless, mind - random and insults can both work quite well if there's a reason for it, and if it's done consistently so that it doesn't strike the reader as random or insulting. It's quite possible to take one on an entirely random trip that works, and/or to effectively denigrate a reader in a way that doesn't just annoy them, a common tactic in HowTos... and this does have traits of a HowTo, so indeed, you may as well talk down at them... but do it intelligently, and consistently. I'd get rid of the Is That It? section entirely as it is - it just breaks the flow, really, and either you're telling them how to do it or you're not, but berating the reader about it just seems childish and annoying. All writing is for an intended audience (sometimes that intended audience is nobody, of course), and it's written accordingly, so in a way, it is indeed about that intended audience.

As for the randomness, it's like where you get into how it's an ancient practice and being responsible for the big bang and wiping out lizard people, especially since you've got such a good picture of Mario - why not actually use that? Drain-o is plumbing stuff. He's a plumber. He also does a whole lot of crazy stuff in general - so use it. That's a lot better than saying things that could just as easily be swapped out for other things - disapproved of by Prince? Or it could have been approved of by... oh, Raptor Jesus. I dunno. A fish man carrying a pine cone and a bucket.

Not that there's not random here that does work - throwing in the used kittens seems a nice touch, at least to me, and while Paris Hilton might as well have been any other name who sells stuff, you use her pretty well for the part, because you stick with the idea and develop it instead of moving straight onto something else. Do that, and you can make anything work. Bloody anything. >.<

Also, lists are generally bad. I guess I should probably point that out at some point. Yeah. The list of methods for bombs isn't all that bad, mind - there's thought to it and the lines even build off each other - but even with that you might want to expand upon it, not necessarily with adding to the list, but talking about what it shows after. The lists you want to be more careful with, though, are the short ones. Brief ones, but I don't mean in that they have few items, but that the items are short and small. They tend not to add much, because they usually prevent jokes from being followed through; they're just there and often random. The list of other names, it's just sort of there. Why not just pick out the one that you add a parenthetical about and mention it as an example? The other ones don't really mean anything. The see also, that's just random...

Concept: 5 There seems to be a concept. It seems to follow through for the most part. It doesn't do all that much in places, and loses itself into randomness in others, but it's there. Just make most all the content of the article tie into the bombs.
Miscellaneous: 5 The number of letters in the word 'taco' according to someone who can't count. But seriously, this has potential.
Final Score: 26 Righty, this may seem a little odd, but... er... hopefully it'll give you something to work with, what to do to it, or consider doing to it, or maybe just a really horrible distraction... but anyhow, what I said above, good luck, and if you have an questions, complaints, or just plain want me dead, feel free to blow up my talkpage. Er... I mean, you know where to find me.
Reviewer: 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 03:21, 17 May 2011
6
Bloink
Prose and formatting
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
The score would probably be a little less as it was, mind - I did some cleanup, so to speak, changed around the formatting a mite. Thing is, you want the article to look good visually as well as read well, generally, and often the two go hand in hand. Unless you're doing code, for instance, you generally don't want to use preformatted text - ie, lines starting with spaces. Put it in a list or table or some such. In this case, I changed it to a list, but you can change that to whatever. Just make it look good, eh?

You'll also probably want to look to improving the flow, as some of the sentences get a little awkward - some people say reading things aloud can help, both with finding redundancies and oddities, as well as places punctuation where you stop for breath, as that tends to be the proper place unless you happen to have asthma or something. I suppose. Overall your punctuation is pretty good, especially relative to most folks around here, but you do have some odd bits, excess colon for an inline list (don't need anything at the beginning for that), semicolon where there should just be a comma (only use a semicolon when the things on either side could be two separate sentences), etc.

As for your formatting in general, as well as overall article organisation (like having an introduction at the beginning, although what was the history section seems to have turned into a surprisingly effective one), which could also use work, your best bet for improvement probably won't be me yammering at you. Go look at some supposedly good articles, see how they tend to do it, and learn from them. And perhaps be entertained, to boot. Go on, they're worth it.

5
Bloink
Images
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
Your images are mostly alright, but if anything you have too many, especially for the amount of prose. Unless you're using images to make your points as much as your text, say, as what steps look like, in which case they'll probably wind up in the text instead of on the sides, well... they're on the sides. See how they kind of crowd the article, even after I put one to the left? It's more apparent on wider screens, mind, but you generally don't want them so close together.

That said, it probably wouldn't hurt to lose a couple on account of them seeming random, anyhow. The things out to support your prose, not deviate, so the recognisable grues and Mario are a little confusing. I mean, why Mario? You could swap him out for something else, or just emphasise the fact that he is indeed a plumber and make mention of the founder, Mario, in the body of the article itself so it doesn't seem random at all. Tie it in. And what's with the grues, all of a sudden? It doesn't make sense to cast Paris Hilton as a grue, especially, again, with no mention of that in the article save for an apparently random link and... well... why? Why would she be a grue? Anyhow, my point is, you may as well lose those. Spread out the others a little more.

5
Bloink
Humour
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
This article has a few good bits and a few not so good bits... problems mostly seem to come from deviating too far into the realm of pointless random as well as some instances of what was apparently pointless insulting of the reader. I emphasise pointless, mind - random and insults can both work quite well if there's a reason for it, and if it's done consistently so that it doesn't strike the reader as random or insulting. It's quite possible to take one on an entirely random trip that works, and/or to effectively denigrate a reader in a way that doesn't just annoy them, a common tactic in HowTos... and this does have traits of a HowTo, so indeed, you may as well talk down at them... but do it intelligently, and consistently. I'd get rid of the Is That It? section entirely as it is - it just breaks the flow, really, and either you're telling them how to do it or you're not, but berating the reader about it just seems childish and annoying. All writing is for an intended audience (sometimes that intended audience is nobody, of course), and it's written accordingly, so in a way, it is indeed about that intended audience.

As for the randomness, it's like where you get into how it's an ancient practice and being responsible for the big bang and wiping out lizard people, especially since you've got such a good picture of Mario - why not actually use that? Drain-o is plumbing stuff. He's a plumber. He also does a whole lot of crazy stuff in general - so use it. That's a lot better than saying things that could just as easily be swapped out for other things - disapproved of by Prince? Or it could have been approved of by... oh, Raptor Jesus. I dunno. A fish man carrying a pine cone and a bucket.

Not that there's not random here that does work - throwing in the used kittens seems a nice touch, at least to me, and while Paris Hilton might as well have been any other name who sells stuff, you use her pretty well for the part, because you stick with the idea and develop it instead of moving straight onto something else. Do that, and you can make anything work. Bloody anything. >.<

Also, lists are generally bad. I guess I should probably point that out at some point. Yeah. The list of methods for bombs isn't all that bad, mind - there's thought to it and the lines even build off each other - but even with that you might want to expand upon it, not necessarily with adding to the list, but talking about what it shows after. The lists you want to be more careful with, though, are the short ones. Brief ones, but I don't mean in that they have few items, but that the items are short and small. They tend not to add much, because they usually prevent jokes from being followed through; they're just there and often random. The list of other names, it's just sort of there. Why not just pick out the one that you add a parenthetical about and mention it as an example? The other ones don't really mean anything. The see also, that's just random...

5
Bloink
Concept
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
There seems to be a concept. It seems to follow through for the most part. It doesn't do all that much in places, and loses itself into randomness in others, but it's there. Just make most all the content of the article tie into the bombs.
5
Bloink
Miscellaneous
Anything else... or not...
The number of letters in the word 'taco' according to someone who can't count. But seriously, this has potential.
26
Bloink
Final score
1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 03:21, 17 May 2011
Righty, this may seem a little odd, but... er... hopefully it'll give you something to work with, what to do to it, or consider doing to it, or maybe just a really horrible distraction... but anyhow, what I said above, good luck, and if you have an questions, complaints, or just plain want me dead, feel free to blow up my talkpage. Er... I mean, you know where to find me.
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