Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Dragon Age: Origins (2nd review)

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edit Dragon Age: Origins

Hugs and kisses, Black_Flamingo 08:12, May 2, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 7.5 Well, I liked it. I have been guilty of playing a game just for it's homosexual sex scenes (which were not really sex scenes), so I sympathise with your article. I get it that the joke's not really at the gayness, but the sex obsessed nerds who play the game. It is generally very consistent and very well-written. However, I do get the feeling that you may need to extend the article. You can make other jokes or elaborate on the gayness, and I actually prefer the second one, because this makes it consistent. This article is also a bit on the short side, and the length coupled with only having one type of joke makes it feel like there's not enough substance.

My reviews are seriously getting shorter and shorter, but I wanna go to sleep. And I generally think my long reviews only have one or two main points, I just spend thousands of kb elaborating. So this is like a summary, or I'm just making excuses. Anyway, I don't think there's anything wrong with what you have now, just that it's short, and could be improved. The main theme is not built up. More about the theme in concept. You can't just go in and make fun of gays in a game, because that would be childish. You can, however, make gay jokes that are such that in an indirect way they make fun of the nerds who are obsessed with them. This is my way of interpreting your theme, that is. I also like your last sentence.

You write in a good FA-like tone, but I think that you might not have enough substance. Otherwise it's just a good VFG normal article. There is nothing I don't like in there currently, and if I were to say more, I'd only be listing the stuff that I found funny.

Concept: 7 A suggestion: write this article like you would a normal (wikipedia) game article, with characters, objectives, setting, weapons, quests, etc. Only, you twist all of them so that they have to do with banging other characters. For instance, instead of lumping all the characters into one paragraph, make a section for each of them. Elaborate on their gayness and their bangability. For setting, for instance, elaborate on where's a good place to have sex, what kind of person you can pick up from a particular place, etc. This could be easy or hard to do, depending on how good you are at making it tasteful, and not repeating yourself. Also remember to do it with a straight face, as if having simulated sex was the matter-of-fact objective of the game. I think it is also important that you make some attempt to keep it multi-faceted, so that your article doesn't sound like it's got one joke. Make jokes on other stuff if you wish, but I don't see how you can, since you've already established in the article that all other elements of DragonAge are irrelevant compared to the sex. Only having gay jokes is part of the joke, I guess. I don't know if you've wrote yourself into a hole here. Oh, and the multi-facets, yeah, is about trying to make jokes that diverge from the main theme, but are still connected to it. For instance, I haven't played DA before, but maybe you can make a joke about the nerd's lack of social ability showing when they try to romance game characters. Oh, and, the score was 6 or 8, so I averaged it to 7. 6 for only having 1 type of joke, 8 for only having 1 joke being part of the joke, and the adequate satire of nerds. So, yeah, it depends on how you look at it.

Second concept: pretend that the simulated sex has depth. Highlighted subtly in this phrase "and a repressive social structure". Would be nice if elaborated. For instance, critics praise the game of it's accurate representation of the struggles against social structure of medieval elven gays. Talk about moral choices in the game, because I think DA has this (or not?), and how you can make the good choice to have less sex, or the evil choice to have more sex. Seriously nerd it up by comparing it to other games with this dating sim feature, especially in very serious-sounding reviews.

Prose and formatting: 10 Didn't see any mistakes but I wasn't looking carefully. This is where I normally give prose and tone marks and that's very good.
Images: 7 The first one is good, I have to say, MeepStarLives doesn't disappoint. All the other ones are the same, which I guess is ok because that's your joke. I have nothing to say about this one, other than see where you're going if you plan to make changes to this article.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 Would I vote for this on VFH as it is? I'd have to think a long time, and it would be a weak for if I ever did. But then I'd vote for anything these days. Why is it lower than all your other marks? Because of gut feeling, and because in your other sections, there's no big flaw for me to mark down, but I still feel that this is not quite there yet.
Final Score: 38 Sorry that it's short, and sorry that I've chosen this article to do my tuesday review special upon, but after I read it I felt the urge to review it, cuz it has promise, and I sympathise with it. I didn't have to think that long to come up with my advice. Hope it helps.
Reviewer: ~Scriptsiggy.JPG Telephonesig Star Starsig Kidneysig 17:52, May 4, 2010
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