Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Down Home Drug Commercial

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edit Down Home Drug Commercial

This article went onto VFH, but died due to low health. I want someone's professional opinion on this as to why it failed. Reasons cited include:

  • "it just feels so similar to Folgers Crystals that it's eerie..."
  • "Lost me after the second little blurb."

It's been reviewed three times so far, and it's looking for above average advice on how to improve it.   Le Cejak <-> Dec 1, 11:57

OK, I'm going to use the "Cajek very well though out scoring system" from now on, hopeful people will not hate my reviews so much now...

Humour: 8 Ol' Sally can't milk herself. She knows that was good. I can't stop thinking about what would happen if I just set my whole family on fire surprised me (that was the first part which interested me in the story really), that was a change of pace I did not expect from the old guy. And the general increase in randomness which progresses throughout the story works well.

It's no barrel of laughs. It's more clever than funny. It's better than "the average" whatever the hell we decided that was, but I did not laugh out loud. Your relying a lot on the mood you create, to generate the laughs when you change in pace to the old guy doing random acts of violence. I think that if you take some of my suggestions (below) on board which might create the mood better the "punch line" which I guess is the old boy going a bit crazy will have more of an effect.

Concept: 8 Your on dodgy ground here. Although I like it, as you know Uncyc is really meant (mostly) for encyclopaedic style writing, so a lot of people might be opposed to the whole idea. Is this going to be an un-script? I think it needs to be. Doing an advert is not the most original of ideas, but it does make a nice change though. I would really like to give you an 8, but I'm giving what I think most people will think, rather than my view.
Prose and formatting: 8 I don't like all the blue text. Obviously your trying convey the sense of the spoken word, but I'm not sure this is the way to do it. I like to use {{cquote|cajek is a big dufus}} myself. I think that looks better. Maybe try it if you have not already and see what it looks like. For me using the blue, and then the italics actually makes the whole thing rather hard to read. I guess you have thought about this a fair bit so I will stop going on about it!

You have not used any links at all in this? (oh there's one at the end)... I guess you don't want em messing with the "flow" of the thing, but I think your missing a great opportunity to put a few more random gags in here and there. Perhaps you could add some funny links in the narration parts, but leave the spoken word link free?

I think you could probably give your guy a bit more character by if you made it obvious that he was from a particular area in how he speaks, Maybe a slack jawed southerner? Or maybe just change how he speaks to make him sound older...

For example:

"My ticker has only been tickin' 80% of the time that I'm awake" Is just too formal and should read: "Me tickers been a tickin' only 80% of me awake time"...

I need something that will straighten my fingers out so that I can play extreme basketball with my photogenic son again

Should read:

"I've bin needing a something for the straightening up me fingers, it's the extreme basketball with the photogenic son you see".

You get the idea.

He just sounds a bit formal, and does not quite talk how I would expect and old boy like this too, that's the case in a lot of places. You also need to make sure that the prose you have that is not him talking sharply contrasts the times when he is talking. That's going to be tricky as your trying to make it relaxing, but it really needs to be the best most formal perfect English you can muster. I's a reckin so does me anyways... ;)

Oh, regarding the grammar and spelling? Well your American, so I will forgive some minor "differences of opinion" but I'm sure they are right for your spell checker. As for the grammar, like I could do any better than this...

Images: 8 The image at the very top, I think your trying to "set the mood" with this one, it's not doing it that well. Maybe it would work better with an animated gif maybe? Perhaps with an open view over rolling hills and clouds in the county? Grass blowing in the wind? The tree does not cut it. Same for the other setting the mood pics. You can do better. I'm not sure about the animated gif idea, but these images are not quite creating the necessary atmosphere. Without the atmosphere the whole thing does not quite work.

I think you should also replace the last picture of the manatee with some random act of violance, such as the guy hacking people to death with a machete, something with lots of blood and gore. That would contrast well with the other pictures. Make sure there is a very civilised caption to go with it if you do to help the contrast.. You might think that would spoil the rest of the section, I'm not sure.

Miscellaneous: 8 Averaged per pee.
Final Score: 40 Your taking on a tricky one here in your witting style. Unless your a certain unnamed individual I don't think a lot of people would vote something like this on VFH because they would not get the concept or appreciate the departure from the norm. I think you have to make this a real work of genius to make a few of the big wigs notice how good it is, then the rest of the sheep might be persuaded to follow. I think if you change the way the guy talks, and perhaps add some more random jokes to appeal to the masses then you might be able to pull it up to VFH, but I'm not sure. Good luck.
Reviewer: MrN Icons-flag-gb HalIcon.png WhoreMrn.png Fork you! 20:01, Dec 10

OK, So I'm still a tight bastard' with my scores. But as you know they mean nothing anyway...

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