Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Donkey Kong (game)
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This is my first article, and I created it because it was on the Requested Articles page. It might be shit. I thought it was OK, but let's face it, I'm a retard.
Slackerlord 18:16, 25 June 2009 (UTC)
Fix'd. Saberwolf116 18:18, 25 June 2009 (UTC)
Wow, you guys are freaking fast. Seriously, you're like ninjas. Slackerlord
No worries, people, I'm not gonna noob out at the low scores. It was seriously late when I wrote that, and I was stoned on waaaaay too much coffee. I'll work on it before resubmitting it. (Whoops, forgot to log in) Slackerlord 17:59, 3 July 2009 (UTC)
- Hey, you lucked out - two reviews for the price of one (although there wasn't anything new in the second review.) Can I just ask you for a favour in the future; This was submitted in excess of a week ago and was clogging up the PeeReview listing, which meant that there was a number of things waiting for review that didn't get looked at. Check out HTBFANJS before you do any more of this, and read the section of the time you spend on an article. If it sounds really funny at 2:30am while the cat is eating what's left in your mix bowl, then review yourself before asking others to review it. Pup
- Lesson learned: Coffee + Late night + Uncyclopedia = Stupid articles. Back to lurking... Slackerlord 11:30, 4 July 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||5.0||Okay, it got a chortle out of me. The first thing that I will point out is that I started to look at the current version of the page, and then went back to have a look at your last edit of the page and decided to review that instead. Not that much of a change between them really. There is one thing in the humour that has dropped you down from a 6.0 to a 5.0, and that's the in-jokes.
It is really easy to throw it multiple references to Chuck Norris, your Mom, Ninjas, Grues, blah blah blah, but just for arguments sake I'm Mr Know-nothing coming to Uncyclopedia for the first time.
"Oh that's a funny article, that joke about Your Mom was funny. I'm going to look at another article. Oh, another joke about Your Mom, not as funny as the first. Here's an article about Donkey Kong. I love that game, where you have to turn the shapes around and make lines. I might read that for something diffe- oh, another joke about Your Mom. I think I might go and read a Bible instead."
Now because you've trotted out the same old joke that has been used in every uncyclopedia article since the first article (Since been huffed, however you may be able to find a hardcopy somewhere of "The night Your Mom slept with Chuck Norris and a Ninja") you've just made someone go and waste the best years of their life being celibate and sober.
|Concept:||3.5||"He's a real Donkey, but he acts in computer games. But the computer games are based upon his real life - no hang on - they're not based on his life but they happen to be amazingly similar. So is he real or isn't he? I can't tell. I'm going to go and read the Koran"
Great, now you've created a terrorist. You have to have a concept in mind and stick to it before you can write an article like this. Try and avoid the string of ape-related one liners stretched together with no concept and no premise except a name. I can tell that you have some issues with your premise, as I'm reviewing Donkey Kong (game) but the page I was redirected to was Donkey Kong (character)
You have some good stuff here about the character, don't misunderestimaticise me, but it needs to be strung together. Try reading Bob the Builder until you get to the point of the episode lists. AS fictional character who has been written up like a real individual and therefore has that "encyclopaedic" feel to it. Or to take a different approach, you can check out Getting pushed into bananas (Mario Kart). Look at articles that are already up here that have had good reviews or featured. Once you have a good idea what works, steal it!
|Prose and formatting:||4.0||"I'm so sick of spam mail. I keep getting all this junk in my e-mail in-box that has spelling mistakes, paragraphs that just seem to go on and on. I'm going to get away from it all and have a look at this site here. Oh, Donkey Kong, I'll have a quick... notablity, equivilant, convineant... Do these paragraphs have no ending. Stuff this, I'm going to read the Torah."
And now you've made someone get their foreskin chopped off. Are you satisfied?
Actually, the spelling wasn't what really irked me - throw your work through a spell checker and viola! Your problem is solved. The issue is the paragraphs all going on. A paragraph should cover a thought and that's it. It can be an extended thought, but a thought is still just a thought.
Just as an experiment take what I've written in the two points above this and paste it into a word processing software thingamabob. Now condense it all into the two paragraphs. Try reading it all compressed together, and then try reading it the way it was originally formatted.
You need white space in anything visual that people need to process. Just the same as you need to have pauses in natural speech. In order totrulyillustratethispointinamannerthatyou canunderstandwhatIwilldoismakeallthesewords rollintothreereallylongwordsandyou'llnotice that it becomes very hard to read. Same thing.
|Images:||0.5||There were no images in the version that was submitted for PeeReview. There was one attached later, but it was thrown in by someone wanting to link between this and Donkey Kong Syndrome which although it has the same real base, is an unrelated (somewhat) article.|
|Miscellaneous:||5.0||* Does this have some merit? Yes!
|Final Score:||18||* Do you have the skills to do it? Yes. But you have to step away, work out your concept, and then come back and attack it again. I'd suggest either get this out of the Main and into your User pages under construction, and then take your time to give this the justice it deserves.|
|Reviewer:||Sir CPT Dr PuppyOnTheRadio GUN UmP WotM NotM FP VFP VFH CM POTM UGM 00:40, June 5, 200922:47 AEST 3rd July|
|Humour:||4.8||I noticed that you had a few good ideas here but you just squandered them all on booze and chicks. I managed to crack a smile at a few parts where it seemed you had something going but then it barreled off into uncyclopedia recurring jokeville. I recommend you write as if he were an actual guy with real events in his life in there. It seemed like you wanted to do this but you just either didnt think about it or was too lazy, like it says in the last sentence.|
|Concept:||6||I saw potential here like I stated before but didnt see it flourish. Try taking your original ideas, taking out the random stuff and expanding on the real life aspects of donkey kong.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||It felt as though it was all thrown together. It seems as though you came up with the title, a bit of the content, and then said "what the heck, Ill just make up the rest as I go along." Take your time with it if you ever decide to re write it. Make it flow, have substance. We all know you can do it, now do a Barrel Roll.|
|Images:||1||You have one picture, and it seems as though it has nothing to do with the article. You should know better young man! Add more pictures and make them witty.|
|Miscellaneous:||4.2||Overall needs work|
|Final Score:||21||Hey dont be so down! C'mon be creative and (try to) use some original witty stuff. And if you do plagiarize, thats ok I guess unless you want a lawsuit you idea stealing douchebag. Good Luck in the future!|
|Reviewer:||--220.127.116.11 14:20, 3 July 2009 (UTC)catlo99|