Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Discordianism (2)
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Back in the day when I was the one who carried the big stick for Imperial Colonization, this was reviewed by the most experienced Pee Reviewer on Uncyclopedia. It got a score of, "yeah, maybe this just might be good enough to get featured as is, but with a little work...." Well, it's had some work. Time for someone to review again, especially because I came back from the dead once again just to make this request. IC Buccaneer Admiral WHY??? (stratagems) 03:45, January 18, 2012 UTC
- Me Pup 10:37 28 Feb '12
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
I've borrowed Lyrithya's template here for two reasons. (1) I want to cover Concept first, and (2) I like the fact that the order can spell chimp.
Now the reason I'm picking on concept first is although I like this article - enough that I've voted for it to be featured previously, as far as I can remember - my issue with it is in the concept.
I'm not a Discordian - or at least I've never truly identified as one even though I often act in a way that would suggest I am. This means I read this from the perspective of someone who knows almost nothing about Discordianism. I probably know more than a lot of people as I have read through a fair bit of stuff, including Miley's body of work here.
Now one thing I have noticed about most Discordian writing is that it comes from the aspect of prior knowledge. The Discordian wiki is a prime example of this. The average punter coming in and reading this article would be lost very quickly as they don't have any prior knowledge, and that is damaging to this as a funny article.
And my main priority here is making this a funny, Uncyclopedia style article. (Although maybe without the excessive mentions of Chuck Norris or Grues.)
So the writing style here needs to be changed enough so that someone who knows nothing can still access this. Most people think of Peter Pan or Alice in Wonderland as kids stories (most horribly the Disney versions), and don't know who Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, Minnie Rae, Emperor Norton or many of the other characters mentioned are.
So the main - and in fact my only - issue here is that it's not an easily accessible article.
Now some aspects are well covered. Minnie Rae is someone understandable through the article - or at least becomes so. Greyface likewise makes sense. And Eris is similarly covered. But going into the divisions of Discordianism as quickly as you do will lose a lot unless you stop to clarify occasionally.
Also, I have a dislike of external links. In some cases they are needed (for instance the Wiki link to Norton I), but too many and it becomes an advertisement rather than an article.
Sadly, I think Chief said much the same in his review, although maybe not the same way. The problem is that it is funny, but your audience have to work to get to the funny, and that's where it falls apart.
So, in short, dumb it down.
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
Minor point here. Eris goes from all caps to sentence case. I'd go the halfway and use Small Caps for her speech. Easier to read while making the same joke. It does need to remain consistent though.
Beyond that, the reworking to make the jokes easier to get into will improve the impact of those jokes.
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
|I love the Minnie Rae image. It's perfect for this article. The rest of them are good (as in suitable) except prisoner 6. I just don't like it. Don't expect more of a rationale behind that.
The planets image at the base should be done as an image map. They're not used as often here as they could be. I'm happy to do that one myself at a later stage.
Anything else... or not...
|My gut feeling kind of score.|
|Prose and formatting |
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
|This ties in neatly with concept, so I won't belabour it. The use of different fonts adds a dimension to this article I like, and the overall formatting is well done.|
|Final score |
Pup 11:13 28 Feb '12
|If it gets added to VFH again, I'll still vote for. As I said, I like it. I just don't think enough people will as it is though.|