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So this is the second article I've created this week, I'm kind of having an inspiration frenzy. I saw in the Ideas section that some people wanted a rewrite of the Diary article, with the suggestion of doing it in actual diary format, so I did it kind of as a running thing with a certain formula for every entry, but I'm still trying to expand it. Any kind of feedback is greatly appreciated.
—AlbinoZombie 07:20, September 7, 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||You have some good ideas! But they can be developed.
I"m glad you kept "I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train." There are a lot of stupid made up Oscar Wilde quotes here, too many. But that's a real Wilde quote from one of his plays and it's great.
I see your idea of repeating the same format. Repetition can be very funny if it's not underdone or overdone. But doing it for every day I feel is a bit much because it's starts to feel like each entry is basically fill-in-the-blank. If you wanted to have the last entry mimic the first, or even have one in the middle mimic too, that might work.
A couple parts I really like are "she starts yelling "Fuhrer." "and I buy a big, long shiny pink thing." Can you tell I like sexual references? lol
Also in comedy it's important to have comic build. Something can build up and build up and build up and then bang! there's the joke. But in this he starts by having sex with a Nazi he just met. If it is a he because you don't really say. I feel it would be funnier if you started with something less big, like he just talks to the Nazi girl and she tries to convert him or flirts with him or he flirts with her or something. Then on the third day he murders somebody, then the next day he says something very mildly racist to his boss, then he buys a dildo. The diary doesn't have much of a sense of build or direction. Who is this person? Is it a he, how old, where does he live, who are his friends and who are his enemies, what are his hobbies and pet peeves and things he just doesn't like? These entries all could have happened to different people, except for following the same format. I know it says Oscar W., but really around here that's considered random because this has nothing to do with Oscar Wilde. I'd suggest using a different name, one that's not somebody famous unless what you write really fits them.
Maybe you could think of a character, really get a picture of that character in your mind. Then write a diary that character would write. How would that character talk? How would he think? What prejudices does he have? All that can come in your writing.
|Concept:||5||Sorry but I really don't think there's much of a concept here except it's a diary where each entry follows the same form. You might want to look at online diaries or personal blogs for ideas.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||I think your writing's good, but like I said I think you could use more variety.|
|Images:||0||Sorry I have to give you a zero because there's no pictures. If you don't want a picture of a person, maybe you could find a picture of a diary. Or find a picture of a book cover and put "My Diary" on it or something.|
|Miscellaneous:||6||This is an average of your other scores not counting the zero for no pic.|
|Final Score:||23||Please understand that articles here are judged by a perfect standard, and nobody's perfect! Also your final score is lower than it would have been because of the mandatory zero for no pic. I really think you can make something of this. If you want to keep working on it, really think about what you want to say, and who you want to say it. If you redo it, please post a note on my talk page because I'd love to see it!|
|Reviewer:||Dame Pleb Com. Miley Spears (talk) 02:25, September 11, 2009 (UTC)|