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Rewrote this from the crappy earlier version. I know, it's nothing great, but any suggestions which do not involve restarting the article from scratch are welcome. Scofield 11:22, March 5, 2011 (UTC)
- Restart the article from scratch. Ok, now wait for my actual review. (talk) 04:51, March 6, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||Seeing as the majority of the humor is at the end of the article and I have a problem with the overall concept, I think I'll just move on to the concept.|
|Concept:||6||Full disclosure: I'm a huge Dexter fan. That means I'm probably going to nit-pick this article to death (I've already fixed some inaccuracies in the article.)
I really like how you're doing this article with Dexter dictating the article himself. There are quite a few things that I find wrong with your execution of the article though. First of all, Dexter sounds a lot like a normal guy who likes to talk about Dexter. There are a few times when Dexter uses words like "cool" and other words that he wouldn't be likely to use. I also noticed some sentences that made Dex seem excited or angry. The problem I have with this is the fact that Dexter doesn't get emotional when he talks about killing. Part of the point of the show is that being on the hunt and talking about being on the hunt is what focuses him and lets him be himself, i.e. an emotionless serial killer who has no choice but to kill.
I do like how you ended the article with the reader's wife being the victim Dexter was currently disposing of which makes the next part hard to write. I don't think that having the other voice in the article is good for it. Mostly the headers were distracting and having Dexter talk to another person just seemed awkward as he doesn't talk to anyone about what he does other than people that already know what to do (his dad and lumen from season 6(?)) other than miguel from season 3. I personally think that this article could just be one long monologue from Dexter that explains everything without having someone else there asking him questions. You could still have it end the same way, which may actually make it more unexpected, but I think that the second character is distracting to your article as it is right now.
|Prose and formatting:||5.5||I already mentioned that some of the prose doesn't fit Dexter as a character and a couple of the things need to be fixed (mentioned above.) The format right now is slightly awkward as there are too many headers for the amount of text which I also addressed above.
A little more detail on how to make the prose sound more like Dexter. The first paragraph is a pretty good example of how to do this with a few minor adjustments. First off Dexter wouldn't simplify Miami Metro Police Department to Miami PD. Secondly, Dexter has a quite a few pauses in his internal monologues for dramatic effect. A good place to put one of these would be right before squeamish. Last, creating should probably be changed to making for some reason I can't explain. It sounds more like something he would say. You should also avoid using slang as Dex usually will only use slang in an internal monologue when he is surprised or when he is acting like a real person.
|Images:||4||There are only 3 images so my first advice in this section is to get more. The first one is good as it shows Dexter right at the outset and the caption is good for the look and is relevant as the article is pretty much an internal monologue itself, it could be a bit bigger though. The second pic, while relevant, isn't really a very good pic because since there are four puppies it doesn't really tug at your heart strings as much as a single, extremely cute puppy would. And I'm sure you'd have no trouble finding a pic like that. I also think the caption should be a little more drawn out. Maybe something like "Stop or I will sedate you, cut off all your limbs, drive a knife through your heart, wrap you in plastic and then dump you in the ocean." The last pic is good and well sized, but the caption could use a little work. Right now it isn't very funny it's more creepy than anything. This could be a good spot for a dose of realism. For example, the caption could read something like "You know, it takes a lot of practice to strip off all their clothes, wrap them in plastic and mount them on a table in the 7 minutes the sedative lasts. And again, get more pictures.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.5||Overall "feel" of the article.|
|Final Score:||26||This article is pretty good for the 2 and a half hours you apparently spent on this. If you want it to be really good though just remember that time=funny. This article has some real potential and I really believe you can make it good with just a little bit of work.|