Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Denis Leary

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edit Denis Leary

teflongone001 10:19, 21 July 2008 (UTC)

This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!

i see you are just starting your uncyc career, and that you've created this article from scratch. kudos! i will try to help you out with this article with wisdom and advice. i will dispense this information....now.

Humour: 5.17 average of sections
  • intro: 6.5

you waffle back and forth between solid stuff and not-so-solid stuff. a little more background on hicks and his history with leary would be nice, i had to look through several articles before understanding. things like the andy kaufman achievement award and the guiness book of records bit are funny, but the end part with his family is random and doesnt really fit well.

  • how bill hicks turned...: 7

again, you're about half and half here. you've got good parts (using anonymous as a person - nice) and weak parts (anytime you list several entities, like Leary's accomplices or the cults. see end comments). you run the 'colon blow' moniker to ground; i'm not sure most people will have seen the snl skit so you might want to drop that.

  • little known facts / links: 2

lists are almost universally frowned upon. a trivia section usually elicits a groan from the reader. some of the content is good, the chin implant line in particular, but incorporate these things into the body of the article. as for the links, see below.

  • final comments:

try to pick a tone for the article and stick with it; some of our best articles have one huge arcing angle that makes for a great read. if you choose the route of 'leary sucks', then run it to ground. however, you could also choose the 'leary is awesome' angle, and then make fun of him that way (like this: 'people say that leary's material is stolen from bill hicks, but studies have shown the content is only 84% identical which is legally not plaigarism.') you seem to use both, like when you refer to him as satan yet say his material isn't plagiarized. if you're going to make him evil, be sure to say why he's evil. i recommend reading HTBFANJS over and over again, it truly helps. focus on the sections about increasing absurdity for things like the list of accomplices. it can also be used like this: "leary is a shady character known for his chain smoking, making fun of cancer, pyromaniacism, and frequent abuse of puppies and kittens." as for the links, you have a lot of outside links to things like imdb.com. what you're trying to do on uncyc is create the illusion of something; by linking to real-world sites you destroy that illusion. consider replacing links with simple italicized text like this: Rescue Me.

Concept: 7.5 i can't fault you for creating an article on a celebrity, but it's just that until you get a good concept to go with it. either hero-worship him or depict him as an acid-spitting arsonist.
Prose and formatting: 2 you are new to uncyclopedia, so this is excusable, but the formatting on this article is abysmal. try getting rid of the table of contents if it's in the way with this: __NOTOC__. it is almost universally the case that the opening image be on the right of the article with the introduction on the left. i like the positioning of the two images in the transformation section, but the giant quote has got to go. either turn it into normal article prose, or find some way to break it up, because right now it's just a giant chunk of italicized text in the middle of your article. in the links section, consider liking to other uncyc articles, such as asshole, pyromaniac, and Bill Hicks.
Images: 5 i like the two images in the transformation section, like i said. i recommend switching them so that leary is on the right. the opening image is fine, it pretty much has to be a normal one of leary, but come up with a better caption relating to where you want to go with the article. the last one is a bit small. i think you can find maybe two more satisfactory images to go with this article.
Miscellaneous: 4.92 average of other sections
Final Score: 24.59 you've got a good start here. i think more content is in order; you can certainly expand the article to include sections like a filmography (not a list, but some descriptions of leary's roles). i would particularly like to see some comment of his role in operation: dumbo drop. you should, again, read HTBFANJS, especially right before/after a round of editing. i also recommend clicking the 'featured content' link in the nav box to the left of your screen, and reading some featured articles to get some inspiration (particularly those on people). i think this article has great potential, and i look forward to seeing it realize said potential. if you need any help or have any questions, feel free to drop me a line on my talk page.
Reviewer: --SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:44, 22 July 2008 (UTC)
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