Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Death (Rewrite)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

FAQ

edit Death

Greetings! I rewrote this as part of that article clean-up thing that we did at the end of last month. I'm fairly happy with it but feel that the latter sections are quite weak and would welcome advice, suggestions or comments about the article. ChiefjusticePSX 21:03, April 14, 2014 (UTC)

I'll do a review on this one (though others should as well if they are motivated to). --ShabiDOO 17:22, April 16, 2014 (UTC)

{{Review_request|21:03, April 14, 2014 (UTC)}}

edit Reviewed

Reviewer details

A little bit about the reviewer

{{{Reviewer}}}

Humour

How and why is it funny? Any suggestions?

7

The article has a funny tone throughout and there are four lines that were particularly well written. I think that there are a few ways to tighten the narrative to bring out all the humerous ideas which I mention in the sections below. Lines that I found particularly funny (note that they are all rather dark):

  • Dropped to the floor in a pile of jelly.
  • The state of eternal oblivion is easily experienced by taking a stopping train to Aberystwyth
  • More interesting causes of death, such as disintegration, defenestration, and decompression are unfortunately rare by comparison.
  • ...pretending to be dead severely limits the ability of the state to kill you through crippling poverty and summary execution
Concept

How good is an idea behind the article?

2

I know this is a rewrite and it isn't easy to keep the good bits and add some extra funny text while giving the article life. For me it seemed pretty obvious that this is what the article is...old good bits with new good bits patched together. The problem is...there isn't any clear concept or cohesion between the sections. As it's eclectic...I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with it as long as it mirrors some other known eclectic form. Perhaps if it was similar to the wikipedia article on death following the other sections more. Or perhaps as a discussion of death would appear on a christian propaganda site or a blog etc. If you were to add some extra material to make the article mirror some other eclectic form I'd recommend also adjusting some of the current text to fit in with it.

The easier avenue would be to simply give the article a clear concept or tone. You seem to rely mostly on the dark side of death. This isn't a bad idea however the article would definitely benefit from being adjusted to represent only that tone/concept and more heavily. It would mean exaggerating the dark elements of death throughout the article and truly communicating how black death is and how bananas people can be in killing each other, their fantasies about an afterlife and the gruesomeness of decomposition. Themes about the darkness of death that can be used/exaggerated: That people die all the time, before they should, in brutal ways, for selfish reason, their decomposition is horrid, the smell is atrocious, suicide bombers, waiting to die on a death bed, it's simply part of natural selection that people die and nature doesn't care one bit as long as the next generation lives on, the afterlife doesn't exist at all as its the end end, some Christians believe a loving god will torture you forever, family mourn in a great depression for a long time, your tombstone will eventually crack and go away, no one will remember you a thousand years from now, in the future a virus could wipe out an entire country in a flash, Chinese mafia would like to harvest your organs, the ovens of Auschwitz, embalming a body so that it can be gruesomely displayed for everyone to see you in a coffin a couple days after you die, Lenin's mummified body etc...

I don't think it would take much to reword parts of the article to take the darkness and horridness of death to a greater extreme and exaggerate the worst aspects of death or some other concept/tone. I think doing so (or choosing any clear topic) will dramatically improve the article.

As I will mention in the prose section in many paragraphs there is a lot of fat that could be trimmed in terms of narrative. I'm sure its a byproduct of rewriting the article but I think that these long lines and at times over poetic narrative slows done the pace of the article and takes away from well timed humour. The reader doesn't get caught off guard with many of the jokes and sort of slowly waits for the humour with some beautiful but unnecessary adjectives.

Keep in mind that I'm impressed with what you've added and what you've pulled off in terms of rewriting a pretty bad article into one that is featurable in its current state. But I think it could be improved from a 7 into a 10 without too too much work.

Prose and Formatting

How good does it look and how well does it read?

7

The opening sentence is sort of awkward. It could probably be cut in half while still being funny. "Death is when live things become dead things". (for example). Consider rewording the third sentence (cross your fingers that insect larvae feast voraciously on your meaty corpse) or something more exaggerated and disgusting. I don't really understand the last sentence of the first paragraph. I lived in England and I don't even know what a ball-cock is. You might want to replace that with a more universal term.

In the second paragraph consider being very sceptical of life after death and mocking those who believe in the supernatural for example: "An unfortunate majority of humans are bananas and believe that brain death isn't the end of life. They insist that a magical essence will leak out of a dead mans orifices and dance a jig on the way to sugar plum land...or be reborn as a queen termite." The eternal oblivion sentence is well done.

In the "these funerals" section try to trim the fat. The sentences ramble a little bit which is uncharacteristic of your writing (it usually doesn't have so much padding).

The roman emperor section is true and interesting but I don't think it is humorous enough to justify slowing down the pace of the article.

Last sentence of the intro is great.

History section:

Cut the first sentence. The rest of the paragraph is rather weak compared to the rest of the article.

In the second paragraph consider stating the obvious before the chocolate sentence. "Life becomes a struggle of staying alive." followed by the chocolate sentence.

In the "humans have become connoisseurs of death" again there's a lot of fat that could be trimmed. I'll give you an example of how the paragraph might appear with less padding:

Humans are connoisseurs of death and are experts at avoiding mortal ends by natural means. The most stupendous deaths are caused by the person who dies. Suicide is one strategy but stunning incompetence and stupidity is the norm.

I think this communicates the concept of the paragraph but with far less padding and a savvier tone.

The next paragraph is humorous but again I think there's tons of padding. I believe it would be far funnier and more effective if some cuts were made. For instance you use the words "the very first" twice in one sentence.

The same with the following paragraph.

The first millennium paragraph is great.

As with the following paragraph.

In the final paragraph I'd recommend expanding the last sentence giving far more examples of how we have made death more civilised but not reduced so greatly the amount of death. Examples I can think of are: accidental electrocutions, ladder accidents, death by cop, accidental deaths on youtube, mountain bike failure, anthrax, Guantanamo bay fasting, lethal injection, pulling the plug, online suicide pacts. Some of many ideas that could be expanded on to hilarious effect.

Signs of death:

I'd recommend first starting with the most general and obvious signs of death and then expanding to the more extreme signs and then onto the absurd...in quick progression to make your funny examples all the more funny. For example:

"General signs of death include: blue skin with low body temperature, lack of heart beat, extremely stiff appendages, invasion of maggots, missing brain, large gunshot wounds, knives sticking out of soft tissues, fourth degree burns over entire body, body blown to smithereens."

I like a lot how the paragraph ends.

"direct funerals" is confusing. It could be a type of funeral or an occupation. I'd recommend altering it. A couple words are missing/unnecessary in the rest of the sentence: indeed many people find that witnessing a person being minced by a jet engine is quite enough trauma to last them an entire lifetime.

The rest of the paragraph sort of falls flat. Mostly because there are so many ideas packed into a paragraph in a section that already has so many ideas. We have funeral directors, life time trauma, someone minced by a jet, alerting emergency services, covering up a crime and calling on batman. I'd recommend cutting a few of these out and maybe expanding on smaller set of ideas.

I also find the rest of the section somewhat out of place. I found the sentence with "loosing your head and running around screaming" pretty funny as well as the weirdo section...but it seems like you are trying to jam in some material with a fairly weak segue. A patchwork of ideas without a structure.

Problems:

Great first couple sentences. This part is awkwardly written: "actually social and financial good sense". Brilliant way to end the section...though it feels like the article hasn't properly ended. As with the lack of clear structure throughout the article, here it is most pronounced. Where was the article going and why doesn't it end so abruptly the way it does?

Images

How are the images? Are they relevant, with good quality and formatting?

7

I love the first image. very good selection. the missing two front teeth are a nice touch. The second one is great due to the caption. Very funny. The third one is humorous. The fourth one isn't as inspiring. What I noticed is that the images are as eclectic as the narrative. They don't seem to form any cohesion or concept. I don't know how to improve the images though I'd recommend at least changing the last one into an extremely dark one with an even darker caption.

Miscellaneous

The article's overall quality - that indefinable something.

10

I give you 10 for pulling off such a rewrite of a terrible article.

Summary

An overall summation of the article.

So as I said the article is certainly featurable as it is (I see it's been featured) but it could be a super awesome article with some work. Trim the fat and consider giving the article a consistent tone and concept or mirror the format of some other eclectic form. Let me know if you get what I've been trying to say here and come to my talk page if you need me to explain any of this or need more examples. And finally...remember to floss your teeth twenty times a day. Gum disease is the number one killer amongst people who die of mouth related bacterial death!

  • Hscore=7
  • Cscore=3
  • Pscore=6
  • Iscore=6
  • Mscore=10
  • Total=33/50
--ShabiDOO 03:56, April 26, 2014 (UTC)
{{{ReviewLite}}}
This was a Pee Review by --ShabiDOO 03:56, April 26, 2014 (UTC)
Personal tools
projects