Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Dear Mr. Hornet
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Just something I did in my spare time. Not my best work.--03:32, July 6, 2010 (UTC)
24 hours or less or its free. --—John Lydon 12:11, July 8, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||Okay, I’ll start out by saying this appears to be a very well written article with lots of subtle jokes and well placed stereotypes. I think what you have is very solid on the humor front. This is actually written so well that I was panicking for fear that I wouldn’t be able to find anything to critique. Fortunately for you, I’m a card carrying member of the stalkers local 207 and am in a pretty good position to give you some insight on how a letter from an actual stalker would go. So without further ado, lets jump into this thing.
The first thing I want to go over is going to be a little tricky to flesh out in print so bear with me. Most reviews are composed simply of pointing out where the author missed opportunities for humor or where the intended humor missed. In your case, as I stated above, I think you have a very well written article. You made the funny in all the right places and most of it is done well. My main concern is the overall feel of the article. To me, a letter from a stalker would not be quite so straightforward. In my mind, stalker’s tend to be sneaky, vague, and kind of seedy. So I would naturally think a letter from a stalker would follow the same trends. Your letter tends to spell everything out for the reader. For example, the line “(including but not limited to: video surveillance, internet photographs on several picture hosting sites, posts on several social newtworking sites, and high tech long range military grade binoculars)”. It’s funny but it kind of tips more of the stalker’s hand think I think it should. I think there is a way to write this line out where it still keeps all the humorous facts in tact but seems a little less matter of fact. For instance, you could write something like, “I happened to be bird watching through my military grade binoculars and just by chance noticed… etc.”. Then you could add a line along the style of “ While doing some research online, I stumbled across a social networking site where your daughter… etc.” This not only helps expand the letter a little but would also give the reader the impression that some of the stalkers actions could be purely coincidental. I think the first paragraph is really the only area that has this type of issue. I noticed that in the following paragraphs you did a good job of disguising some of the creepier stuff. For instance, the line “The attire that she wears (especially in school and during soccer practice every Saturday 5:00 PM) is much too conservative,” seems to fit my image of a stalker much better. It kind of throws the creepy fact that he knows her exact schedule out there without actually stating so to the reader. This is the way I think all of it should be done. Maybe I’m off base here, but I think it would help.
Another great example you have of this style of “disguising” the stalkers intentions is the final paragraph. This line “I suggest that she modify his route to go through 843 Eltford Drive, where I live, so if she happens to meet with any vagabonds or ruffians, I may be able to defend her and bring her home with me, for protection.” I really like the way you provide a seemingly honorable explanation for why the stalker would have the girl go directly through his backyard. Very well done. I would really suggest making the rest of the article follow this type of a vibe. It would really make it stand out nicely.
|Concept:||9||What can I say, I’m a huge fan of the art of stalking. The idea that a stalker would write a letter to his targets parents to complain of her lack of indecency is not only humorous but pretty clever and original in my book. I think the length of the article is just a bit short, but if you follow up on my suggestion I made in the humor section about expanding on the surviellance angle, it would fill out nicely.
Other than that, I don’t have a whole lot to add to this section.
|Prose and formatting:||8||This letter is very well written. The grammer and spelling are spot on from what I can tell, and the layout is perfect for a letter, complete with a proper header to open the letter. I tried like the dickens to find something that could use some improvement but it was slim pickings. I did notice that in the first sentence of your last paragraph, you have a typo in the word her. You spelled it hwe.
The only other suggestion I can make is I think it would help to add something at the bottom explaining the inclusion of a picture. Something simple like “P.S. – I have enclosed a picture of your daughter so you can see the type of deplorable actions she is involved in.” Granted, my example sucks, but I think it’s enough to get the point across. I just think adding a little something like that, would explain why there is an image in the article.
|Images:||7||I think the image is a very good fit for this article. In addition, she’s kinda hot. So that’s a bonus point there. However, you immediatley lost the bonus point because there was no nudity. So you broke even. In all seriousness, I think 1 image is plenty. If this is supposed to be a letter, most people don’t include pictures at all when sending a letter. When they do, it’s usually only 1 picture. So I definitely would caution against adding any more.
The caption for the image leaves me a little conflicted. On one hand, the caption by itself doesn’t make much sense. You’re saying she dresses much to conservative so she might as well be naked? It doesn’t really compute. On the other hand, you do explain this logic later in the article when you talk about the girl denying her freedom of expression. My concern is that the casual reader will look at this image before reading the article and get confused by the odd wording of the caption before they’ve read the article. I feel that changing the caption to something like “as evidenced in this picture, your daughter seems to enjoy trampling on the freedom of expression by dressing far too conservatively.” Again sucky example, but I think the point is there. Like I said before, I’m really on the fence with this one.
|Final Score:||38.8||I really think you have a well written article here. It really comes across as a formal letter from a stalker to the parent of his victim. I would like to see you change just a few things here and there in order to give it a little bit more mysterious vibe however. There really isn’t a whole lot standing between this article and VFH in my opinion. Very well done.|
|Reviewer:||--—John Lydon 13:18, July 8, 2010 (UTC)|