Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Dear Diary

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edit Dear Diary

Here's an excerpt of my eroding mental state. Or maybe just some weird ideas I wrote down. The first entry isn't my favourite, but I like the other three. Comments and edits appreciated. --T. (talk) 12:27, 7 May 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 8.5 What a strange article. While there are no laugh out loud moments (with the possible exception of the first entry), this article delievers on the whole "this guy is insane, and watching his rambling is entertaining" concept. There are only two major pet peeves I have: first, while it is amusing, the rambling grows to be a bit tiresome by the beginning of the last section. While it's amusing to see the thoughts of a crazy guy, it does get a bit redundant without a bit of spicing up or flavor. Second, all 4 of the sections are so unrelated to one another it gives me the impression they should be different articles. If you're going to write like this, you should connect the entires in more ways than just a P.S. towards the end.
Concept: 9 I'm always a fan of books and such that are told in first person by someone who doesn't exactly have it straight in the head (which probably why I loved I Am Legend so much). It takes some skill to jot down completely random thoughts and make it into a coherent, entertaining article, so well done.
Prose and formatting: 9.5 Ordinarily, I crack down on users who use lists in their articles. However, because your list in the second entry had pretty in-depth bullets, I won't get mad at you for that. After a thorough proofreading, I see that you've made virtually no spelling and puncuational mistakes. Your sections are evenly spaced, and although I wish they were more related, that doesn't really fall under this category.
Images: 8 I liked the first image the most, as it seemed like a Sonje-chop, which usually means it's automatically phenominal. Your other ones, though a bit more tame than the first one, compliment their respective sections well. Choosing not to use any captions was also a good idea, as it doesn't really fit well with this kind of article.
Miscellaneous: 9 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 44 Basically, you've got a great concept, seamless grammar, and excellent execution- with only a few more coats of paint, this is going to land of VFH. Really, there are two major things you can do: first, make your entries more related. Usually, diaries have some references or another to their previous entries. Besides the P.S., you also might want to reference a recurring character, I.E. a strange neighboor or a neighboorhood bum. Second, i'd like it if you got more in-depth with your character- this may be personal taste, but i'd like him to be insane. Two books I can recommend to help you with stream of consciousness are American Psycho and I Am Legend. Try reading them- they are a good example of how to make a narrator insane. Anyways, good luck with the fine tuning, and see you on the front page! =)
Reviewer: Saberwolf116 22:57, 7 May 2009 (UTC)

Thanks. For what it's worth, my professional education and background is in mental health, so that's where the subject comes from. I'm not sure I can take some of your recommendations without fundamentally altering the character in a way that diverges from the real intent. He's not terribly focused on any one person for any length of time; he actually gets wrapped up by illogical beliefs about many different people. And his attention can wander; it's tied to whatever anxieties that the other person elicits.

However, length and wording can always be fine tuned to alleviate boredom. If you, or anyone else wants to do minor trim or polish, I'd welcome it. Romartus did some fine work on one my articles that I appreciated greatly. --T. (talk) 19:33, 8 May 2009 (UTC)

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