Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Deal or No Deal
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I'm unsure if I want to submit it to the main articles or not. I dunno if it works or if it's funny, or if it's just me bashing a show I have actual hatred towards and it clearly shows in a non humorous way.... p.s: I know it needs more pics.--04:12, March 5, 2012 (UTC)
- DEAL! Give me a week please as it may be fast. Or not. Mattsnow 15:28, March 5, 2012 (UTC)
|Humour:||6.5||Hi Maniac! Good article, I don't think your hatred for the show is unfunny, it's quite the opposite. I'll try to help by whining and maybe throw in a suggestion or 2 here and there. I make the suggestions on the fly, they're here to help spark ideas. I like the article a lot, so much potential for funniness since I also think this shit is the most retarded show ever as "winning" only proves you're a lucky bastard. Great work, but I think there are some passages that could be improved or expanded and I'll break down the article section by section here.
I like it, the reference to "Earth" is funny, as is the reference to Michael Jackson and the Howdy Doo Doo joke (although I really don't know anything about that Kennedy experiment stuff, I found it great), but I think the Australian angle is a bit average, since I don't know who the hell wrote that song. I don't know, you could say instead that his father was a rich Illuminati and since his son was too dumb to do anything else, he just used his powers to get him the spot on that retarded show. I really think the Tori Spelling joke is terrible and out of place, not because I'm some kind of purist; it just breaks the rhythm.
Maybe you could put some emphasis on the way the crowd frantically reacts like they just all won the lottery on the Price is Right, and how they used the SAME FUCKING UNNERVING MUSIC for as long as one can remember. Maybe talk about how many heart attacks have ocured as obese retards stumbled down the stairs to have a chance to fuck another contestant by betting one dollar more than another to win some fugly necklace? Maybe a fight between 2 contestants since one bet a dollar more than the other? LOL, just food for thought there, but I think it could be hilarious. The paragraph's ending isn't that funny, but sets up the introduction of "Deal or no Deal" pretty well.
How it's played
I tweaked some sentences in there and added some jokes while I was at it, I hope you like! When you talk about how the TV audience of the show is also retarded, you could also talk about how the advertisers know that and will try to push the most useless products ever since everybody watching is bound to have abysmal IQ. Just think about the most retarded product ever and how they sell well at this hour lol. Just a suggestion of course. The ending of the first paragraph and the 2nd one are good. :) I don't know about the third one though, about the guys holding the cases... There is not really a funny joke in there... Maybe you could delete it to make room to expand other, funnier spots like the one described above? The only funny part of the 3rd paragraph is '50 inch LCD screen under the rear axle of their own car'. That's a long paragraph for a single joke. :P I also added a joke about the banker, that 4th paragraph is not bad at all.
It's kinda funny, but I think you should describe the retardedness even further. I don't think this sentence is funny though: "Or if anyone has a subscription to Womans Day or Cosmopolitan, then they are in as well." I'd delete that if I were you. (I never read any of this shit magazine, don't worry) In fact, the only sentence that made me laugh in the first paragraph is "If someone is so stupid they have to ask their kids how to turn the TV on to watch Deal or No Deal, then they are a shoe-in for the show" I think you should include some questions that are being asked on the test to be part of the show, rather than talking about the teenager's tweets.
The last sentence is kind of a train wreck, I don't get what you mean, although it shows that something funny is buried there: "or are just too fucking stupid to realize what might benefit a person financially, rather then keep opening shiny objects till you get less money offered and walk away with 50 cents." LOLWUT? Clarity please. :P
At this point, we kinda know that the game appeal to retards, so talking about this again is just rehash. Not to sure about the Korean joke too. Your earlier concepts and jokes were great, so personally I would expend them and get rid of that section, but it's your call of course.
The future of Deal or No Deal
Hahaha, I like the conclusion. Maybe add that "rock paper scissors" could become one, but that's not necessary. Oh, and you could huff the "related media" thing, no need for it thinks I.
|Concept:||8||The concept is great, we needed to have an article about that show, and it was absolutely impossible not to tell the truth there: it is retarded. I think though that a new section entitled something like "memorable moments", where some retard did some stupid shit (just use your imagination, it's funnier if it's not true. Maybe a heart attack onstage when a guy opens his own case and sees $0.01 while the last bank offer was $120,000). lol That's a suggestion.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||I corrected some typos, but I'm no English genius, so there may be more lurking. I like the simple prose you have, it makes it easy to read as opposed to some other writers who try to be so "high grammatical genius" that they are confusing. Here are some passages I think sound weird and could be reworked a bit.
I corrected some of the prose in the article, I hope you like it, if not feel free to revert. I also changed I.Q to IQ, I think that's the proper way to spell it. I also talk about the prose a bit in the humor section anyway.
How it's played
"To a normal person with an average IQ, if even $20,000 is offered, you would probably just accept it, and go home" would be better said like this "A normal person with a decent IQ would probably accept the loot, go home". Using the third person then the first sounds weird.
|Images:||5||Well, as you said, there are only 2.You should not have any trouble find funny ones on that topic!|
|Miscellaneous:||6.5||How I'd rate the article so far.|
|Final Score:||32||I hope that helped, it is a great start and it shows you have a good imagination, I think the article is a bit better since I ironed out typos and stuff, but now your "job" is to improve the weak parts or just delete them and expend the hilarious ones! I think with some more work it could be a great article, as it already is a good one.|
|Reviewer:||Mattsnow 16:48, March 5, 2012 (UTC)|