Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Dead Rising

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edit Dead Rising

99.123.142.151 20:20, September 8, 2011 (UTC)

Doing. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 22:44, 19 September 2011
Concept: 6 You seem to be telling it basically as it is, which is certainly a viable approach when done well; what you really need is to expand it. It's a game, so something about the gameplay would be nice, especially tying that into the plot; may even be able to make jabs at plot contrivances arising to make the gameplay work or whatnot. Something more specific about the players, reception, what kind of game it is, more about the remake you mention, or the like might be things to go into as well. Or anything the Wikipedia article brings up, for that matter. Is it true the guy will put on dresses?
Humour: 5 Look! An article!

Now that we've got that out of the way, I am going to go through each section, asking questions and poking pieces. Or some such.

Introduction

A videogame, eh? This is actually a nice change; it seems like all of the videogame articles I've read lately have either said the game was something that was not a game, say, a military training simulation, or just been really, really bad. Or in some cases, both. I am pleased to say that this one is/does neither of those things, even though the one isn't inherently a bad thing anyway. Why is it natural that it involves killing zombies, though? Some games do that, yes, but far more don't; it is, after all, only one genre among many.

If the developers hate the US, it might help to mention that they're not from the US. Thinking shopping malls are boring, though... what are you getting at, here? It feels like half a punchline, as it is.

You'll probably want to move the levelling system and weapons into a gameplay section or something and expand upon them; seem a little out of place here. Go somewhere with them.

So why did it have a remake? Did it need a remake? Did folks want a remake? Was it good, bad, what?

Plot

I think the main thing you might want to work on with this is making it clearer what's going on. Currently it seems to jump around a bit. You also need to work on your storytelling in general - introduce folks by name before referring to them by name, don't wander off topic, tell it in order...

Why would the woman have had sexual relations with the dog? Does something in the game indicate that?

That wasp thing is crazy. Neat. Is that how it actually is? If so, you should totally make it crazier. If not, neat.

Characters

This is basically just a list. Seeing as they all pretty much show up in the plot description and you don't really add much here, you might as well work what's here that isn't mentioned in the plot description into said plot description.

Or you could expand upon them, saying more than a few sentences about each... go into backgrounds, why they're even there, comparisons, how they relate to the usual zombie victims, that kind of thing. Merit having an actual section for them.

Prose and formatting: 6 So, you write pretty well. Have some errors and other oddities, but they happen to be few enough that I can just list them all here, and otherwise the thing actually reads quite well, so... yeah. Good job, and stuff.

Things:

  • If you're putting two sentences together into one, don't use a comma. Use a semicolon (;).
  • 'Frank West visits Willamette, Colorado (curious to why it had been sealed off by the military)' - Instead of using parentheses, you could just put that part at the beginning of the sentence; it's a little confusing as it is. Rearrange the next one accordingly or something, I guess.
  • 'may of had' - should be 'may have had'.
  • Telling the plot in the order that it happens would make it more clear.
  • Keep your tenses consistent - if you're talking about what happened, then it's in the past. They're is present tense.
  • Separate your clauses by commas. If you don't know what a clause is, no worries; neither do I. But they tend to be the things around which a speaker pauses when reading aloud... and reading your article aloud can help you find other issues, too, so it's probably a good idea anyway.
  • Multiple folks possessing something, it's better to put the ' after the s. As in, 'survivors' brains'.
  • When he's rescued - who tells whom? Who is the other he?
Images: 4 Oya, mon, don't be afraid to make your images big. Obviously you don't want to make them too big, but if you keep them under 400px wide and have enough text to offset them (actually, you need that regardless of how big the images are), they tend to be fine regardless of folks' screen sizes. Unless they're on a phone or something, but last I checked, Uncyclopedia didn't really support that properly in the first place anyway.

Anyway, images... The guy with the shovel, it's a lovely one, good caption, too. Just needs to be bigger, really. The others are really kind of random, though. No mention of clowns in the text, and ha ha it's Bieber... I mean, I see what you're getting at with that one, but it just doesn't fit, you know? More directly related is generally better.

Miscellaneous: 5 Cake.
Final Score: 26 Mmm, good start here. This should give you some ideas of where to go with it from here; if not, feel free to come by and smack me or something. Er, I mean... bugger, you know what I mean. I hope. Okay, I don't even know what I mean.
Reviewer: 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 00:43, 20 September 2011
6
Bloink
Concept
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
You seem to be telling it basically as it is, which is certainly a viable approach when done well; what you really need is to expand it. It's a game, so something about the gameplay would be nice, especially tying that into the plot; may even be able to make jabs at plot contrivances arising to make the gameplay work or whatnot. Something more specific about the players, reception, what kind of game it is, more about the remake you mention, or the like might be things to go into as well. Or anything the Wikipedia article brings up, for that matter. Is it true the guy will put on dresses?
5
Bloink
Humour
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
Look! An article!

Now that we've got that out of the way, I am going to go through each section, asking questions and poking pieces. Or some such.

Introduction

A videogame, eh? This is actually a nice change; it seems like all of the videogame articles I've read lately have either said the game was something that was not a game, say, a military training simulation, or just been really, really bad. Or in some cases, both. I am pleased to say that this one is/does neither of those things, even though the one isn't inherently a bad thing anyway. Why is it natural that it involves killing zombies, though? Some games do that, yes, but far more don't; it is, after all, only one genre among many.

If the developers hate the US, it might help to mention that they're not from the US. Thinking shopping malls are boring, though... what are you getting at, here? It feels like half a punchline, as it is.

You'll probably want to move the levelling system and weapons into a gameplay section or something and expand upon them; seem a little out of place here. Go somewhere with them.

So why did it have a remake? Did it need a remake? Did folks want a remake? Was it good, bad, what?

Plot

I think the main thing you might want to work on with this is making it clearer what's going on. Currently it seems to jump around a bit. You also need to work on your storytelling in general - introduce folks by name before referring to them by name, don't wander off topic, tell it in order...

Why would the woman have had sexual relations with the dog? Does something in the game indicate that?

That wasp thing is crazy. Neat. Is that how it actually is? If so, you should totally make it crazier. If not, neat.

Characters

This is basically just a list. Seeing as they all pretty much show up in the plot description and you don't really add much here, you might as well work what's here that isn't mentioned in the plot description into said plot description.

Or you could expand upon them, saying more than a few sentences about each... go into backgrounds, why they're even there, comparisons, how they relate to the usual zombie victims, that kind of thing. Merit having an actual section for them.

6
Bloink
Prose and formatting
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
So, you write pretty well. Have some errors and other oddities, but they happen to be few enough that I can just list them all here, and otherwise the thing actually reads quite well, so... yeah. Good job, and stuff.

Things:

  • If you're putting two sentences together into one, don't use a comma. Use a semicolon (;).
  • 'Frank West visits Willamette, Colorado (curious to why it had been sealed off by the military)' - Instead of using parentheses, you could just put that part at the beginning of the sentence; it's a little confusing as it is. Rearrange the next one accordingly or something, I guess.
  • 'may of had' - should be 'may have had'.
  • Telling the plot in the order that it happens would make it more clear.
  • Keep your tenses consistent - if you're talking about what happened, then it's in the past. They're is present tense.
  • Separate your clauses by commas. If you don't know what a clause is, no worries; neither do I. But they tend to be the things around which a speaker pauses when reading aloud... and reading your article aloud can help you find other issues, too, so it's probably a good idea anyway.
  • Multiple folks possessing something, it's better to put the ' after the s. As in, 'survivors' brains'.
  • When he's rescued - who tells whom? Who is the other he?
4
Bloink
Images
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
Oya, mon, don't be afraid to make your images big. Obviously you don't want to make them too big, but if you keep them under 400px wide and have enough text to offset them (actually, you need that regardless of how big the images are), they tend to be fine regardless of folks' screen sizes. Unless they're on a phone or something, but last I checked, Uncyclopedia didn't really support that properly in the first place anyway.

Anyway, images... The guy with the shovel, it's a lovely one, good caption, too. Just needs to be bigger, really. The others are really kind of random, though. No mention of clowns in the text, and ha ha it's Bieber... I mean, I see what you're getting at with that one, but it just doesn't fit, you know? More directly related is generally better.

5
Bloink
Miscellaneous
Anything else... or not...
Cake.
26
Bloink
Final score
1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 00:43, 20 September 2011
Mmm, good start here. This should give you some ideas of where to go with it from here; if not, feel free to come by and smack me or something. Er, I mean... bugger, you know what I mean. I hope. Okay, I don't even know what I mean.
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