Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Damaged goods

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edit Damaged goods

This was my entry in the European one-hour contest, and it's been polished and added to. My own mother was damaged goods, and my family is justifiably and greatly ashamed. Aleister 20:57 9-4-'11

Sniff... Story of my life. I'll get this one. --Black Flamingo 18:26, April 15, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 10 This is a good article, Al. It's very simple and very funny, and doesn't really need much in the way of work. It has at least one joke per line, and all of them are effective in my eyes (and in my mouth when I read them aloud). So, it has a high level of both quality and quantity of humour, meaning there isn't really much to say here. Moving on swiftly...
Concept: 10 I like the concept, and you explore it well. The jokes are intelligent and satirical, poking fun at the chauvinistic attitudes a lot of men still have. I also really enjoyed the running gag of the "old timey terms". The article feels a tad short in some sections, but for quite a specific subject I'm not sure if there'd be much to add that wouldn't detract from what you've already got. Again, very little to say here, but there's a couple of things in the next section, don't worry.
Prose and formatting: 7 Ok, there are a few issues with prose; mostly just a few things that I couldn't make sense of. It isn't all grammatical, but I listed it all here anyway to make it easier for both of us.

History

  • "Even as biblical Eve bobbed-for-Adam's-apple and was damaged beyond repair, a few towns over some other women were being damaged by the most obscure of cavemen" - This is a funny line but the sentence is difficult to follow. The subclause (the bit about Eve) is too long to go at the start, and by the time you get to the main clause (about cavewomen) you've already been overloaded by information. You may have to separate these into different sentences, or else clear this one up a bit.
  • "most obscure of cavemen" - I don't really know what you mean by "most obscure" here. You might have to take another look at this rather odd phrase.

Another one bites some dust

  • "Metaphoreze" - This I don't get. Why not just put "metaphor", unless you're suggesting something else here, that I'm missing? In fact, this whole bracket gets a bit hard to read, maybe get rid of the "cleverly-coded" part to ease things up a little.
  • "Airs it out (i.e. thar' she blows)" - I don't get this either. I'm guessing it's some kind of euphemism I've never heard. The problem is, the way it's stuck on the end of the sentence like this does confuse things. Now, I suppose the "thar she blows" bit is something to do with fellatio, but I'm not certain of that. It might help to just end this sentence earlier and remove it all together, otherwise try to clear it up because I feel the idiom (if it even is one) might be a bit obscure.

What she then does wrong

  • There's a bit in here that didn't make much sense to me either, it's not a grammatical issue though. I'm talking about the part where the man spurns her when he sees "the make-up on the face of the painted woman". Are you suggesting that it's make up alone that puts him off? That just seems a bit silly. I know the joke is that it's an overreaction, but still this is so much of an overreaction that it's hard to realise this, and the whole thing starts to look a bit farcical. Perhaps you could add something else to the equation; a slutty dress, a look of desperation in her eyes, a contraceptive pill in her bag, something like that.

What to do about it?

  • "Moments where they smile and burp" - This should probably be "moments when they smile and burp". It's not a big deal, but I just thought I'd point it out.
  • And another thing here, maybe I'm no expert on beanie babies, but I don't understand why a stuffed bear would have "Jew Baby" written across its belly. This might need clearing up, but again I'm not too sure. Is this something that other, cleverer people will get?

Do you know why the caged bird sings?

  • "There isn't a sadder sight..." - This should really be "there is no sadder sight..."
  • "Gave him what he wants" - This should probably be "gave him what he wanted", if you want the tenses to agree that is.
  • "Around the edges" - I don't know you mean by this. It's probably not a necessary clause anyway and you could probably just trim it out.
  • "Pershaw" - I don't get this either. Who or what is Pershaw?
  • The end of the spinster aunt's quote doesn't need a full stop/period either, not if you're ending on a hyphen.

As for the formatting, everything looks fine. Good work.

Images: 7 The images you have are great, but I don't think the joke of the second one works that well as it is now. I like the idea, but the punchline doesn't have time to build because it's only the second image. It might be a good idea to make this a sort of running joke in the illustrations. If you put a few more conventional ones in, all with the same caption, the naked fat guy at the end will be more of a pay off.
Miscellaneous: 9 The amount of times I've been damaged by heartless men with one thing on their minds.
Final Score: 43 So, a tough one to review, but then yours can be, Al. In any case I can definitely see it as a future feature. Good luck with it.
Reviewer: --Black Flamingo 20:19, April 15, 2011 (UTC)
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