Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Cute Fluffy-Bunny World Whose Cute Fluffy Exterior Masks a Terrible Secret
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Say things in the box and stuff please.
--22:23, 11 August 2009 (UTC)
- I will say things in the box and stuff if you like --El Sid, the lazy one • parlez-vous franglais? 01:43, 12 August 2009 (UTC)
Ok ffs, that's the 2nd time I've done something retarded mid-review and lost it all. Here goes again...
|Humour:||8||It's a "wry smile" type of humour, of course, and it manages to combine comedy of extremes well - deriving its humour from the conflict between the two - so its more of an overall comic effect rather than series of hilarious one-liners. So what you do well here is the building up of gradual layers of "quaintness" in order to whet the reader's appetite for the inevitable (and I'm sure most readers would be aware that this isn't going to end happily, which is why I would have suggested you keep the original name, or one to similar effect). You pull out every possible trick from your kitsch-sack and pretty much exhaust the possibilities (which is far from a bad thing for what you're trying to achieve). I would recommend slightly changing the line about the fourth wall though. It is an important line to use - as a laugh that doesn't rely on the main premise, much like the "nobody cares" one earlier - but I think you make it too blatant. If you could make it a more subtle self-reference somehow, that would definitely make those wry smiles a little, well, wryer (more wry?). I would also recommend adding a few more one-liners (like standalone jokes) like those 2 I mentioned before, somehow, just to add a little bit more to the mix. I am in two minds about how effective the clearing scene really is. On one hand, shock and contrast is what you need for the (black) humour effect to be highest, but on the other it really does minimise the length of the article and feels like a bit of a let down. Regardless of whether you do extend the build-up to the sacrifice, I'd suggest adding more comedy to the sacrifice itself, or just extending this whole segment (see Concept). The tone is brilliant though, especially the post-sacrifice section, I have no suggestions on how to improve this.|
|Concept:||8||The concept is brilliant - peering behind the all-too-perfect stage to reveal the sinister mechanics behind it. There are obvious similarities to other fictions (like the infamous Blue Velveteen Rabbit and Cannibunny Holocaust) but all-in-all it's a unique concept that you execute well. It is a little short, I don't feel you sustain the tension as well as you could, it all just happens a little too quickly. I mean, we're in the happy world and all for about 3/4 of the story and then suddenly it gets nasty. This might be your desired method, but I feel it would be a little better if you built more of a crescendo (not a ridiculously long one, but something at least) to build us up to the sacrifice seen. Perhaps you could extend this section in general, by including a few other scenes or a prolonged pre-slaughter ritual (like the Wicker Man) or a little more description in general about this sequence and what the bunnies see (not gruesome details necessarily, just to pad it out a bit). Other than that, it's very good and the twee/black comedy contrast works very well and I can completely understand why you'd want to keep everything short and snappy as it is now - it's more brutal - I'm just trying to think of alternatives.|
|Prose and formatting:||9||Your writing is superb, really. Your style is perfect for this type of story and your choice of words is evocative in just the right way. The story doesn't need sections so forget about that (unless you were going to incorporate cliff-hangers in some way) and I corrected one error, but its not much really. I saw a couple of others actually, but I'm now too tired and lazy to edit them out, sorry.|
|Images:||9||Aww they're so cuuuuuuuuute. Also, I don't know how you'd feel about having a picture of a butchered squirrel (or a sketch of it by a permanently psychologically scarred bunny) but that's all I can think of. Your article works best as it is because it doesn't require images, it's far more effective by relying on the imagination and some very well chosen words than it ever could be by including more pictures. |
|Miscellaneous:||8.5||Sorry the review is a bit shit, Ape, I was trying desperately to come up with genuine improvements rather than just saying "yeah I liked this, and this, and this was awesome", but with little success. Also I might say here that I love the *achoo* detail, so well done.|
|Final Score:||42.5||OK so in conclusion we have a great overall concept with some slightly weak elements (nothing major) and one section I think could be extended a little, just to draw out the effect of the climax. I'm generally rather easy-going about reviews, they are after all basically subjective and I don't expect you to take my suggestions too seriously. In essence you could easily extend your article to take in more of the darker side, or even extend the whole thing, but you would be in danger of losing the reader's concentration and the quality of the ending. Likewise you could make it more obviously funny - and less dark - but the whole point of the article is its grimness, so I can't really say that's a good idea too. Just concentrate on making the important part - the sacrifice section - as brushed up as possible, sorry I couldn't be more help.|
|Reviewer:||El Sid, the lazy one • parlez-vous franglais? 00:31, 13 August 2009 (UTC)|