Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Corn Flakes

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edit Corn Flakes

Hi! Just to let you know, Sonje is hopefully doing an image for this article, so there will be three pictures. Anyway, I really need some in-depth help here - mainly humour and concept. Thanks in advance! Nameable mumble? 21:06, 27 June 2009 (UTC)

Staircase in person
This article is under review by none other than.....

Stairs.
Let down your hopes, eh?
Humour: 7.5 Ah, and article on cereal. I'll make my section-by-section technique go to work.
  • Introduction - Actually, this was very nice introduction. You played it out very well, and by george you got me to read more. Very good job. You have a good idea going for yourself here. Maybe, though, you could say something that will lead you into the questions, like "Because of these facts, one may inquire:" or something similar. It's not necessary, but it will make it flow a little bit better. Also, you weren't really there with the hahas, but it was still very well written and interesting. Just because it lacked laughs doesn't mean that it isn't good, so you don't need to worry.
  • Etymology - Ok, so this section sort of lost it a little bit. Don't feel bad, though, it wasn't horrible or anything. You see, you got my hopes up with that awesome intro, but this one seemed sort of unfocused. You were going from one idea to another, to another, etc. What you need to do is get each idea, and then expand in their own little paragraphs. Loking over it a couple times, I see your trying to go around this one idea, but still it seems a tid bit unfocused. Try making a paragraph on the first three sentences, and than another paragraph on the rest, to make it flow a bit easier and make it better to read.
  • History - The first paragraph of your history section was very nice. I enjoyed reading it, and the way you finished was really good. I give that paragraph a thumbs up. The next pargrpah was pretty good, but to me it seemed a little bit random. Maybe you could change it around...? It all fits in with the third paragraph and adds to the joke, but still, maybe make it something besides beef? Like I said, it was a bit random and made me go "Huh?" However, apart from that, you did an excellent job.
  • The Kellogg's Question - This section has a brillaint idea (see Concept). THe section I found good as well, it really made me laugh. As for the tradition section, you had good sarcastic humour there. It was funny. A decent length, and there isn't much for me to suggest. The next section, Promotions, was funny also. However, I think it was a little short. I think you should add a little bit, like a sentence or so to each little line used to convince people to buy it. If done right, that could make someone pee their pants, if it hasn't already (Have to go change my underwear). Also, the next secton was funny, but like the beef part, was a little bit random. Sure, sometimes random is good, but this sort of threw off the tone for the article. think you should change it to something a bit more serious, like 'Physical Performance' - It makes them goosd at golf. Or something. It doesn't have to be that, but I think changing it is the best path. The discarded theories section was weak. It was pretty repeptive, and didn't draw any laughs. You have to have funnier and more creative reasons as to why tey were discarded. Other than that, goood job.
  • Modern Variants - This section sort of turned into a list, which lowered your score sligtly in P&F. When I first saw it, I was thinking it wouldn't be that good. And sorry, but it was great. The only variant in the first five I found enjoyable was the Wholegrain one, and the berry one wasn't bad. The others though, weren't really funny. What you need to do is write a larger paragrpah for each one, and take it out of the italicised font. If you could get some good amount of content in for each type, it would look lest like a list and you could add more jokes than you already had. This would make the article better overall. The next section in my mind went off. It was very random, and none of them struck me as funny. I don't think there is any way for you to salvage that idea, so I think you should remove it altoghther. owever, if you utilize the first variants properly, there should be no need for it anyway. So if you follow through with this, you could be on to a real good article here.
Concept: 7.5 I don't have much to talk about here. There are two things I need to stress: 1. In the inrtoduction you had a lot of questions that needed to be answered. For the last one you said "most importantly", however, you had an entire section dedicated to something other than that last question. I suggest you change around the order of the questions so the ones regarding"How do they still make money?" and "Who buys them?" are the ones that are most important, beause in your article, they are! 2. In random spurts you had bits of randomness. This threw off the pace and tone of the article, and made the reader slightly confused. You should get rid of all of the random stuff to make the article flow better and make it funnier. Other than those two flaws, though, you did well overall.
Prose and formatting: 7 Going by eight as an average score for prose and formatting (meaning a couple mistakes), you were slightly below. Like I said above, the list at the bottom kinda ruined it for me. If you make it lest list-like by adding more content, you'll be doing fine. Also, I think you should add links, the article looks awfully dull without them. However, the rest is fine, you do a good job formatting it around. Yay for prose and formatting!
Images: 5 So, you have two images to work with here. And, if you go by my advice, you will remove the second one or it will be completely irrelevant. I see you said Sonje is going to be making you some, and that rocks becuase Sonje is the best. However, with the first image, it is ok, but there is nothing special about it. You need more, at least two and maybe three. When you do this, get some good captions to go with them and make everything seem funny all around.
Miscellaneous: 6.8 See below.
Final Score: 33.8 These are the steps you need to take:
  1. Take out the random - This is what screwed up your article. If you remove it, your article will rock, and I would vote for it on VFH. But don't get your hopes up, I think others would vote against. If you want a VFH run, go for another review.
  2. Add some pictures - You are in dire need of some.
  3. Remove the Listy-ness...? - That's not a word, but still. Nobody likes lists all that much.

This article is good. Like I said above, if you want a VFH run get another review and make your decision based on that. Good work, and I hope you use this review to help you out!

Reviewer: Staircase CUNt 05:10, 4 July 2009 (UTC)
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