Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Constantine V
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This is a new article I created over the past few days. The subject matter is a bit esoteric, but hopefully, the article should explain itself well enough that you don't need to read several wikipedia articles to get it. Also, the grammar and spelling might be a bit rough still, I haven't had a chance to go over it thoroughly.--Mnbvcxz 18:39, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
Mnbvcxz 18:39, 10 December 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||Having accepted this as a decent enough concept, I can dive into the humour.
Introduction - no funnies here, but that's OK if what follows develops the idea, as you've kept it short and sweet.
Birth - there are a few ideas here coming out of the left field... defacating in the font and the suggestion that the writer is Constantine himself.. You are consistent in the latter, but I don't quite why this is funny in itself.
Early Reign - This shows the occasional turn of phrase that causes an internal tickle, but it's not a laughfest. Again, this is fine if concept is tightened.
Suppression of Idolaters - You hammer the point home here, but it's very dry. Perhaps it need a fictional example to give it wings.
John of Damascus gets PWN'D - I think that the tone of the article demands a more subtle title, and again this reads more like a history lesson than a funny article. You rely too much on the black images and not enough on the potential to remove "idolatry" in the text. The rest of the article is in similar vein, and whilst I learnt stuff about Constantine by checking other wikis, I didn't really find the core funny or clever in this - and I don't think I'm just being thick.
|Concept:||6||Yeah, I kinda like this as a concept, but as it stands, it's a one trick pony, ie. Constantine as a suppressor of idolatry.I wanted to delve more and find the pictures behind the censorship, and hoping for laughs, but they weren't there - every redirect led to a black square. I think this element has a lot of scope for humour.
You've also aimed to suggest that Constantine is writing the article - that's fine, but it adds little more than the occassional strikeout. The subtle humour here could come from the fact that the writer, who rejects idols, is setting himself up as an idol. It's a hard trick to pull off, but with work, this approach could lead to something much better, working on several levels. Use of strikeouts and concealed images could work well, but it's not quite there yet.
|Prose and formatting:||8||The prose is coherent and well formatted, but some of the sentences are a bit long and clunky for a humorous article. I'd simplify them and add a few more full stops to make this readable.|
|Images:||6||As noted in the concept section, there is more scope here for something amusing. The comments are good - in fact probably my favorite part of this article.|
|Miscellaneous:||6||That's how I feel. It's been worked hard on, and there's a glimpse of something possibly funny, but it needs the injection of another idea to really fly.|
|Final Score:||30||Thsi is a good springboard, but so far it's just one gag, which concerns the rejection of idolatry. Not sure where the additional injection of funny should come from, but play with some ideas and see where that takes you.|
|Reviewer:||Asahatter (annoy) 23:19, 12 December 2008 (UTC)|
Thanks for the review.
I was trying to write a "fanatic writes an autobiography" tone with this article. I was inspired to do that by the Gul Dukat article. Basically, the humor is supposed to come across by the very dry and prideful descriptions of mutilating people over religious differences. Also, the author is supposed to come across as very arrogant, as the Byzantine Greeks of that era regarded almost everyone else as barbarians.
The defecation in the font thing was an actual rumor spread in the 9th century. He is often given the epitaph "Copronymus" meaning "name of feces" even in secular literature. It would come across as a bit random to someone who didn't know that already. Oh, and Irene really was exiled to the island of lesbos.
BTW, how do I make a censored image?--Mnbvcxz 06:04, 13 December 2008 (UTC)
Yeah, as I said in the concept section, I sort of got what you were aiming at, and I think it's something that could work, but currently I just didn't find it particularly funny as it stands. Perhaps the overall score is a little harsh in retrospect, and many less accomplished writers would hav resorted to more bombast and random stuff in an attempt to add the laughs. I think you've been wise not to do so, but I think you need to add to the hypocrisy element without going over the top. It reads mostly like an encyclopedia article even before the strike-outs, and perhaps it should be more bombastic to begin with, and then be toned down by the strike-outs and perhaps footnotes.
An alternative would be to start with a dry encyclopedia article that has been edited/vandalized by Constantine (almost justification for a sock puppet), although it might require a delve into the article history to show the trick in some instances.
With regard to images, I don't know of a way to censor an image in toto, but well-known images with the supposed idolatry censored might be possible, although that might spoil the overall look of the piece. If you upload an image, and then edit it after, then would the image history preserve the original?
I do like the article, but as with many ideas, it sometimes needs the injection of a secondary idea to really give it legs. Sleep on it and that idea may come. Alternatively, someone else may find it funnier than I do - this sort of article is bound to divide opinion. Asahatter (annoy) 10:11, 13 December 2008 (UTC)
- I tried uploading a "different" blank image for each of the 4 main pics. Then I wrote a different image description for each of them. Still, I am hesitant to remove the blank image theme. Although, I do think the captions add a bit of humor if any clicks on them. And it does give it a "non-half-assed" feel to it when an article has consistent satellite material. I did not change the small images in the templates, I think the blanking works in itself. Do you think the images "work" now? BTW, I also added some more material at the end.--Mnbvcxz 18:19, 13 December 2008 (UTC)