Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Colonel Sanders
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Ilovecheeseandsausage 03:01, July 15, 2011 (UTC)
- Really should consider fixing the signature link. Give me around 2 days and I'll have a review for you. Sorry, internet usage is limited where I am right now so I'll be writing your review while struggling with a link-up connection...--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 22:57, July 15, 2011 (UTC) Thanks for the patience.
|Humour:||4.5||First off, I'm going to apologize if this review turns out short. There's not to much to judge and the whole article seems to be suffering in one major area: It's vague. You have a lot of sentences that look like they are extending into a punchline, but you kind of just kill it short. For example, your very first line, "Colonel Sanders was a man best known for his role in the Great Chicken War, a war in which chickens waged war and tried to destroy the universe." Nothing funny about this sentence. Try something where you work your way up to a joke, something like this, "Harland David "Colonel" Sanders (September 9, 1890 – December 16, 1980) was a retired former colonel who fought in the Great Chicken War of 1939-1945, where thousands of evil chickens fought against Earth in an attempt to destroy it. Little information is actually known about the war as many believe the government covered it up by blaming the loss of millions of lives on the nazis in Germany. In truth, the Germans were the strongest members of the Earth army, killing more chickens that any other nationality. It is said that the Germans would skin the heads of the dead chickens after battles and now shave their own heads in memory of their work, hence the term, skinheads. However, they also did some stuff to minorities when no one was looking, so that little oopsie tilted the government in deciding the blame the whole thing on the nazis and their 'invasion' of 'Poland.'
What little information is known about the war though, seems to come from the personal collections of Colonel Sanders and from various outside sources ranging from experts in the field, to nutjobs claiming to have also seen aliens in Nevada. In what appears to be a tale of great heroism and valour, Colonel Sanders rose from an insignificant civilian, to the ranks of Colonel. He would later solve the problem of disposing all of the slain chickens in the war by establishing Kentucky Fried Chicken stores throughout the globe (Kentucky because that's where the bodies of the chickens were disposed, fried because all the food contains the same amount of oil as Texas wells, and chicken because, well, do we really have to explain that to you?) It would later be revealed that Colonel Sanders, beloved Colonel and businessman, would meet his demise at the hands of his rival, Ronald McDonald, a former military clown who went mad during the Great Cow War of 1914-1918, but still maintained enough sense to handle and manage thousands of his own eating establishments and also a bat, used to kill Colonel Sanders."
I'm not sure if you like what I've written, but I hope you get the idea I'm trying to say. You're on the right track here, but you aren't going to get this far if you don't capitalize on all of your jokes. Right now, it seems like you just got bored, wrote some stuff down and said, "whatever." Do some research, mimic some info from wikipedia in a sarcastic way or something, re-read your jokes and tell yourself honestly if they are funny. Then you'll know you've written a good article.
That's the main thing I have to stress for humour, finish the jokes, they are too vague, cut short and not too funny. Aside from that and a little randomness here and there, your article seems fine. Just write the jokes a little smoother and make sure you capitalize on the humour.
FYI, I did find some parts amusing, such as, " considering he once strangled a man with his own intestines (both small and large)," so don't feel too bad. Overall though, yea, work on the jokes.
|Concept:||7||I like the path you are taking, but once again, you need to work on humour to get it correct all the way. Maybe steer away from the randomness and elaborate on the jokes you already have. For instance, your beginning is way to short, doesn't provide enough detail about what you introudce and hence, you miss a chance for many more jokes that you could have inserted.
Take a look at this article. It takes a short of similar approach as yours in that it turns a piece of history into a satirical story. Try reading of of this and see what the writer does to make it actually seem like the Battle of Gaudalcanal actually took place in a mall. Notice how the jokes resemble the actually battle strategies of the Japanese and Americans, but the writer fits it into the context of a mall fight. Also notice the little jokes he inserts here and there, like that about thrifty mothers taking JC Pennys and that being declared too dangerous to take.
All in all, just work on the humour, elaborate, and focus on actually connecting the silliness of the Great Chicken War story with that of Colonel Sanders actual life, like how he started by serving people food in a restaurant. Maybe talked about he was serving soldiers or something and discovered that the dead evil chickens were "damn fine tasty," or something and started cooking them and that's where he got the idea for KFC. Experiment a bit and just see what works, you're definitely on the right track with humour, just stay on that track and don't veer off like you seem to be doing.
|Prose and formatting:||7||I don't believe I noticed any spelling errors or grammar errors, but I would consider re-reading the article just to double check that. Also, consider putting some of the smaller sentences in quotes as footnotes at the bottom, that will save space, less clutter and look better.|
|Images:||6||Pretty good images here. I'm not sure about that first one, but...if you can make it work, why not. You should consider maybe asking for a picture in black and white of chickens fighting against humans or something to simulate the Great Chicken Wars? Just an idea. I like the other two pictures, good joke in the second one, third one is pushing it, but the quality of that picture is too good not to use. Re-write the story a bit and make that picture more relevant with a a better caption and purpose and then it will be much funnier than it is now.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||Added a couple points to inspire you to keep going, now write son, write like you've never written before! *dramatic music in background.*|
|Final Score:||31.5||Any questions, comments, cake, can be posted on my talkpage and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Other than that, good luck with the article, you're doing well, but needs a lot more work to become a feature. And remember, just have funnnnnnn or some pre-k bullshit like that.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 08:28, July 17, 2011 (UTC)|