Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Cloud gazing
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- On it like an Easter bonnet. --Black Flamingo 23:17, February 25, 2012 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Since you've been doing all the good reviews this month I thought it only fair that someone should review one of yours (and that UnDebate one is impossible!). Sorry if it took a while, I've been way to busy to review these past couple of months, and I probably shouldn't have booked it in the first place (perhaps I'm just desperate to pass UU). Anyway let's do this.
Your intro is clear enough, it doesn't contain any jokes but that isn't really an issue. I find the list of regional aeromancies to be a bit clumsy, probably because you've got an "or" and then a comma and an "and". It doesn't really flow. In fact, it sort of makes it look like it has a punch line. The last line is also slightly confusing. What has cloud gazing done for the 20th Century specifically? Why not any of the other centuries? Me confused.
And again, the joke about how meteorology is just people discussing the weather is great, but I feel it could be more streamlined. Explain clearly that this is how meteorology, and thus cloud gazing, began. It might be funny if meteorology developed from this, and then went full circle back to awkward conversations about the weather in our day and age. Again, just an idea.
After this, you(?) start talking about how lucrative cloud gazing is, and how serious a subject it is, which a mildly amusing idea. That's all it is though; an idea. There are no actual jokes in here, it's just a description of a bizarre, fictitious situation. It also seems a tad random; it's not that funny to just say that "the cloud gazing business in the US generates approximately 15% of the gross national product". The randomness isn't really a major problem but it could be improved. You should try to get a punch line or two in there, even if they are subtle ones. For instance, where you say "able to demonstrate a clear understanding of the portents the clouds forewarn" you could add "but none of them ever foresore that they would end up living penniless on the streets, selling their bodies to pay for a new lens on their telescope"... or words to that effect. That's probably a terrible joke, but it's just to keep the gag rate up, you know? Have a think about what you can do.
The table is pretty funny too but I can't help wondering if this too might work better as a paragraph of encyclopaedic text? It's your call of course; just something to consider.
The Western Mythology part is better. I like the idea of Moses condemning it, but the line "staring at stone tablets with a dozen or so commandments" could be funnier. How about something like: "staring at stone tablets with oppressive rules on them" - just to contrast with how nice and relaxing cloud gazing is.
The article as a whole, but this section in particular, seems to jump around too quickly; the jokes don't mesh together and it ruins the flow. In the Western section, each joke is basically on its own short line. Each time you get to a new joke you start a new line and the whole things starts to look a bit scattergun. The last two paragraphs are a good example of this (the one about nigromancy and the one about forbidden arts). Try to blend your ideas more, like this: "It is also condemned by Albertus Magnus in Speculum Astronomiae, who describes the practice as a derivative of nigromancy... it was beliefs like this that led to cloud gazing being considered one of the "forbidden arts", along with necromancy and masturbation" (making the list shorter will probably make it funnier). Try this approach for all of your short, one-sentence paragraphs.
|Concept:||7||Generally I think the concept needs to be tighter. An easy way of achieving this would be to introduce all the core ideas you're going to deal with within the lede of the article; that way all the divergences in the main body of the text will appear more focussed. Get rid of anything in the intro that isn't really discussed later (for instance, you say it's been instrumental in shaping the course of human history, but then don't ever really back this up).
A lot of your humour is based on the ironic truth that cloud gazing is actually a frivolous waste of time, but I think you could make this irony clearer (I think I mentioned this briefly above). Offer a little more "proof" to show cloud gazing as what it really is. Because you are so dry in the article it isn't always as funny as it could be, and I don't think this perception of cloud gazing is widely accepted enough for you to make fun of it. For example, make subtle references to them really being a bunch of carefree hippies living in a dream world.
|Prose and formatting:||10||Spelling, grammar and prose are all good. I mentioned that the flow is a little off in places didn't I? Yes I think I did. That part should probably be here.|
|Images:||3||I like the goatse one, but obviously you need a lot more. The first image should be larger too. Pictures of clouds are an obvious idea I guess. Or perhaps pictures of cloudgazers (shoeless flower-children with captions proclaiming them to be academics).|
|Final Score:||33||Anyway, good work on saving a fix. A little tidying up and some more images are the main things it needs now. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, or even if you're just lonely, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok.|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 14:04, March 10, 2012 (UTC)|