Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Clipperton Island
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First finished version of Clipperton Island article. It's an obscure topic obviously but hopefully I've made it somewhat funny anyway. StupidBunny 20:50, June 25, 2011 (UTC)
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! STUPID BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNY!!!!!!!!!!! --19:48, July 7, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||5.5||How are you stupidbunny? Ive pee reviewed an article of yours before, youve been featured and Im pretty sure you are a no nonsense guy. So, Ill give it to you straight. I like the article but it needs big time work. I only review stuff I like/think is worth reviewing/can give suggestions for...so dont take the direct stuff bad. I know for sure this article can be better and your good sense of humour and irony and turn this into something easily featur-able.
I like the article during moments and I definitely laughed a few times...there were LOL moments...though the humour is a little all over the place at times and kind of runs out of steam halfway through. I also found the article started of as a wikipedia parody and then turned into a "hey look how stupid this place is" and them became a slightly strange melt down in the style of a "animals over run the place and the Island is just garbage and who gives a shit about it". Im not sure those three styles mix at all. The humour is lost in these style changes and lack of direction. Well, here is a run down of how I saw the humour section by section.
Intro: One of these three things...funny. Separate the two ideas of that sentence though, for instance: Clipperton Island has at least one of these three things. It is the smallest tiny isolated uninhabitable spit of land with nothing on it in the world that still has citizens.
The french occupation part is cute though undeveloped. Light house part can be funny though could use rewriting. I didnt really find the last sentence funny. Geography and Climate: First sentence good and funny. The rest of the paragraph, also good and funny. GOOD AND FUNNY PARAGRAPH STUPID BUNNY!! The second paragraph is funny, though the last little bit about raindrops, is a little cheesy. History: "fuck theres nothing here" is a little expected. I think you can come up with something a little more creative. Sorry, I cant think of any suggestions. The next part is kind of cute. The rest of the section is kind of funny, it reminds me a lot of the book "Cats Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut as with the rest of the article. Read that book if you haven't. You'll like it very much based on your writing.
Mexican Colonisation:This section is much like the anterior ones, they are funny in the sense that you are repeating how useless the place is and that no country really cares about it and people suffer living there. While each idea in itself is funny, there seems to be a missing progression which I dont think would be so difficult to construct. For instance...you could show that the Mexicans cared at first, then had problems, then failed to care, then aggressively wanted the island destroyed and then wanted to pay the french to obliterate it. While this might not be the best example of how to do it, at least there is a story line or idea that follows throughout the section. Otherwise, you just have a bunch of funny ideas and ironic/sarcastic historical moments, though without any structure (i.e. I could switch around all the sentences and it really wouldnt change anything in the section). If you added some idea/progression then the humour would go from cute to funny. A great idea would make it LOL.
Economy: Same as the last paragraph...though very short. This adds nothing to the article. Its cute...but needs serious expansion to be justified and to NOT be cut.
French Administration: Again, just like the three anterior paragraphs, while its ironically cute and cutely ironic, its not particularly funny and again is a secession of sentences explaining how stupid the island is and why no one cares about it. And the comments about the French dictator and about Sarkozy are confusing.
Illegal Immigration: Sorry but at this point the article totally degrades into a random and bizarre secession of strange, and not so funny events, that also contradict the tone and story line of the anterior sections.
In popular culture: Cute. Not funny though. Strange way to end the article
|Concept:||3.5||In the humour section I touched on the structure/concept of the various sections in your article. As you probably guessed, I found myself unable to guess what it is you are trying to do/convey/say in this article. This doesnt mean that you dont have good ideas, funny moments and in general something written which could be transformed rather effortlessly into an article with a clear structure/idea/concept, its just that I don't see it there now. From what I have read so far...this is what I get: "The island is a stupid place, with lame people, fought over by horrible people who gave up on the place, and its still stupid." Theres nothing wrong about that idea, its just, thats not a concept. I could replace that Island with any other Island in the world and the article would make as much sense. I could jumble everything around in the article and nothing would really change. Why is this stupid place worth reading about? What about it is so extra stupid and lame that not only do I care to read about it, but I will also find funny, more funny than all the other articles here about things that are also stupid and lame. The French and Mexicans are always lame, how are they particular extra lame in the case of dealing with this island?
Possible ideas: 1. An easy, though not amazing concept, would be to add some sort of mystique to the Island. It is a special place with a soul of its own that caters to no one. The Island has always been meant to be its own place, no one who arrives will ever change anything, no matter their intent, and it will always be that way (not too different yet to what you wrote), except that it also seems to draw people there and make them want to conquer it (think of it like some wild guy that a woman always wants to change and is attracted to him, even though nothing she will ever do will change him). Make the two things apparent and run that though the article. Thats one idea.
2. Give SOME reason why people want to be on the island, but make it hard to guess and difficult to obtain. There has to be a reason why people want to be on the Island even thought its awful. Perhaps people are too stupid to ever find it or figure it out. But make us guess what it is. Make it draw the reader deeper into the article even if you never say what it is.
3. Make the history of the Island mirror the history of something else. Think...the colonisation, revolution and independence of the United states. Except...that this island is the total opposite and that no one really cares about it and it is the outside forces that make that happen. Make the people resist every moment until the end (i.e. the natives are BEGGING for colonisation). The natives LOVE to submit. The colonialists LOVE paying taxes. They dont want a revolution but are forced into it. They do not want to unite as colonies into one nation. They RESIST an independent economy. They welcome any force that will remove them of an independent nationhood. (though...make it very clear that this is mirroring the history of the united states without explicitly saying, hey...im writing an article here that is mirroring the history of the united states.
There is no reason why you cannot incorporate these three sections while having to chop out much of what youve written (especially the first sections). In any case, do consider doing away with the whole plague of animals and garbage stuff. It goes beyond absurd and doesn't add anything to the article.
Another way I thought of approaching the review of this article was how you mix three styles. On one hand you begin with a fairly good and funny encyclopedic style...but then turn it into a narrative, the weird and stupid story of stupid people on a stupid Island which finally becomes a garbage trashing fest of the place with animals. If you aren't interested in adding a theme/idea/concept such as those suggested above...then consider keeping the article STRICTLY as an encyclopedias style article. That would mean rewriting the whole second half in the style of the first keeping the witty comments about the island. Though you would have to make the article as any geographical article of wikipedia follows: Intro, History, Politics, Economy, Transportation/Communication, Culture, Legal System/Education, Demographics etc...
I seriously suggest doing one or the other (i.e. adding an idea/concept or making it a straight wikipedia like article without digressing too much into the absurd or the "this is just a stupid place with garbage people").
|Prose and formatting:||7||Apart from that mentioned above, such as the lack of structure and the sentences all over the place (though again the first half is not badly written at all and a couple sections are great) theres not much more to say about the prose, I didnt see any real mistakes, and some are really well written and funny.|
|Images:||1.5||Sorry, I really dont see any of these images as working well in the article. Unless you decide to go with the encyclopedic style in which case the first image is okay. I find the pirate a little cheesy and the rest of the images kind of bland. The images you choose (if you add new images or change the ones you have) will depend on how you plan to construct your article, though I do find the captions cute and consistent in your ironic style.|
|Miscellaneous:||10||Ten points for encouragement.|
|Final Score:||27.5||So...again dont take any of this the wrong way. I am not trashing your article at all. I am just saying that your funny ideas (and a couple really well written sections) need cohesion, structure, a narrative or any consistency and the over the top absurdity at the end should probably go. I know for a fact that once you get some extra idea into the article, that your great sense of irony and humour will come out stronger and that this article will be funny and well worth reading! Let me know if you don't understand anything here, or need some suggestions or ideas or want to rape me with a dried cannelloni noodle. --02:57, July 9, 2011 (UTC)|
|Reviewer:||--02:41, July 9, 2011 (UTC)|