Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Clannad(quick)

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edit Clannad

Speedyexpress48 06:45, August 23, 2011 (UTC)

Aiight, quick gist should be incoming. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 19:00, 14 September 2011
Humour: 5 Okay, what in the world is a 'weeabo'? People keep saying that and noone ever links it to anything, so here I am, all clueless-like. Blargh!

Anyway, I'm a bit at a loss, here. I'd never actually heard of this before, so I'm bloody clueless, but why a band? Is there a particular reason, either in the anime or the visual novel or any of Clannad in general to make it seem like a band? Are you pulling on similarities between the thing itself and a band, or just making this up? Obviously I can't tell, probably due to being completely unfamiliar with the thing, but if you are, great; do more. If you aren't, you should really do that if you want to go through with this band thing, or it's apt to just come across as random. Maintain the parallels throughout the article, tying in what really happens with the idea of the band and explain things, say... I dunno, the scenarios as... songs to perform or something. (I'm just looking at the Wikipedia article, mind; that may not actually be the best idea.)

But a lot of this currently seems random, really. Why the lesbian relationships - do they really do that? Otherwise adding that doesn't really do any favours; homosexuality just isn't funny, in of itself, and likewise neither is general sexuality. Readers just aren't apt to care about their sex lives, unless that's something prominently in the actual thing that you're poking fun at. Another thing to be careful about is names - saying the gal is rumoured to be pedobear, tossing in Uwe Boll and those other folks for the television series, it's not funny. Just random. At very least say why those folks might be - make fun of the character's tendencies to... do something pedobear-ish and take it further that she even has a bear suit, and maybe those other folks... eh, I don't even know. But name-dropping is generally to be avoided anyhow. It's like quotes and 'unadorned' lists - just not good. On that note, your quote doesn't really help - they should either be funny in of themselves or set the tone for the article, and it doesn't really do either, so you might as well just get right to the meat of the article without it.

Your lists, mind, aren't actually a problem the way you did them. They go into detail, which is good... but you could perhaps go into more, and have them justify why they're worth mentioning at all, perhaps, and also keep closer to the band thing. If it's a successful band, shouldn't they be good players? And keep things based on the actual thing; that always helps. I don't know how close you do or don't keep it as it is, though.

What's the deal with Kyou and Ryou, though? Perhaps going into why their names would be crossed out instead of just crossing them out like that might be better.

Concept: 6 I honestly have no idea how much sense this concept makes at present due to complete cluelessness, but it should definitely be workable so long as you make it all make sense, like I've been saying. Keep to what actually happens and tie into that as you go and whatnot.

Also, you'll probably want to try to make it more accessible to the clueless. Somehow... establish the thing more, perhaps throw in references to a... failed visual novel, or something, since that's apparently the main thing and what Wikipedia's article is on.

Prose and formatting: 7 This is actually quite well-written, so good job on that account. Tone could be more consistent, however - keeping it like a normal encyclopedia article would probably be your best bet, especially since that's what most of it is. Just... do that with the rest. Mainly Tomoya and the robot. Say it more matter of factly, you know? Actually, that would probably make the robot even funnier, since... really, a robot made of trash? WTF indeed... but describe it in such a way that you don't lose the tone but get across to the reader just how WTF it really is, or something.

All the crossing stuff out is another thing I'd look to - it doesn't really help the flow of the piece, and neither is it terribly encyclopedic. If you could work that in by, say, discussing misconceptions, or perhaps as footnotes, or something, that would probably prove more effective.

Also, I turned your history section into an introduction because that was what it seemed to be. 'Sa decent intro, too.

Images: 5 Decent images, could use more. But you should probably explain them more in the captions - what's actually going on? Why are these particularly relevant? I'd suggest looking at how other articles tend to do it for a guide.
Miscellaneous: 6 I like pretty anime stuff.
Final Score: 29 Aiight, hopefully this helps even despite my cluelessness regarding the subject matter. It may be a lot to take in, may not be, but at any rate if you have questions or whatnot, don't hesitate to stop by my talkpage. Best of luck; it could prove to be quite the article given more work.
Reviewer: 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 19:38, 14 September 2011
5
Bloink
Humour
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
Okay, what in the world is a 'weeabo'? People keep saying that and noone ever links it to anything, so here I am, all clueless-like. Blargh!

Anyway, I'm a bit at a loss, here. I'd never actually heard of this before, so I'm bloody clueless, but why a band? Is there a particular reason, either in the anime or the visual novel or any of Clannad in general to make it seem like a band? Are you pulling on similarities between the thing itself and a band, or just making this up? Obviously I can't tell, probably due to being completely unfamiliar with the thing, but if you are, great; do more. If you aren't, you should really do that if you want to go through with this band thing, or it's apt to just come across as random. Maintain the parallels throughout the article, tying in what really happens with the idea of the band and explain things, say... I dunno, the scenarios as... songs to perform or something. (I'm just looking at the Wikipedia article, mind; that may not actually be the best idea.)

But a lot of this currently seems random, really. Why the lesbian relationships - do they really do that? Otherwise adding that doesn't really do any favours; homosexuality just isn't funny, in of itself, and likewise neither is general sexuality. Readers just aren't apt to care about their sex lives, unless that's something prominently in the actual thing that you're poking fun at. Another thing to be careful about is names - saying the gal is rumoured to be pedobear, tossing in Uwe Boll and those other folks for the television series, it's not funny. Just random. At very least say why those folks might be - make fun of the character's tendencies to... do something pedobear-ish and take it further that she even has a bear suit, and maybe those other folks... eh, I don't even know. But name-dropping is generally to be avoided anyhow. It's like quotes and 'unadorned' lists - just not good. On that note, your quote doesn't really help - they should either be funny in of themselves or set the tone for the article, and it doesn't really do either, so you might as well just get right to the meat of the article without it.

Your lists, mind, aren't actually a problem the way you did them. They go into detail, which is good... but you could perhaps go into more, and have them justify why they're worth mentioning at all, perhaps, and also keep closer to the band thing. If it's a successful band, shouldn't they be good players? And keep things based on the actual thing; that always helps. I don't know how close you do or don't keep it as it is, though.

What's the deal with Kyou and Ryou, though? Perhaps going into why their names would be crossed out instead of just crossing them out like that might be better.

6
Bloink
Concept
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
I honestly have no idea how much sense this concept makes at present due to complete cluelessness, but it should definitely be workable so long as you make it all make sense, like I've been saying. Keep to what actually happens and tie into that as you go and whatnot.

Also, you'll probably want to try to make it more accessible to the clueless. Somehow... establish the thing more, perhaps throw in references to a... failed visual novel, or something, since that's apparently the main thing and what Wikipedia's article is on.

7
Bloink
Prose and formatting
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
This is actually quite well-written, so good job on that account. Tone could be more consistent, however - keeping it like a normal encyclopedia article would probably be your best bet, especially since that's what most of it is. Just... do that with the rest. Mainly Tomoya and the robot. Say it more matter of factly, you know? Actually, that would probably make the robot even funnier, since... really, a robot made of trash? WTF indeed... but describe it in such a way that you don't lose the tone but get across to the reader just how WTF it really is, or something.

All the crossing stuff out is another thing I'd look to - it doesn't really help the flow of the piece, and neither is it terribly encyclopedic. If you could work that in by, say, discussing misconceptions, or perhaps as footnotes, or something, that would probably prove more effective.

Also, I turned your history section into an introduction because that was what it seemed to be. 'Sa decent intro, too.

5
Bloink
Images
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
Decent images, could use more. But you should probably explain them more in the captions - what's actually going on? Why are these particularly relevant? I'd suggest looking at how other articles tend to do it for a guide.
6
Bloink
Miscellaneous
Anything else... or not...
I like pretty anime stuff.
29
Bloink
Final score
1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 19:38, 14 September 2011
Aiight, hopefully this helps even despite my cluelessness regarding the subject matter. It may be a lot to take in, may not be, but at any rate if you have questions or whatnot, don't hesitate to stop by my talkpage. Best of luck; it could prove to be quite the article given more work.
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