Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Chris Rock
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Matfen 23:11, January 18, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||8||Ok Matfen, you have a pretty good article here and I don't think there are any dramatic changes that need to be made. The only real problems are a few slip-ups in things like tone and prose and a couple of jokes that could be expanded upon. In this section I'll basically just go through the jokes that I think could do with some work.
In the opening sentence, you continously mention that he's African-American, then go into sarcastic comment that he rarely raises the issue of race. This made me laugh, but I feel you would set this joke up better by starting with something like: "Chris Rock, in his own words, is an African-American comedian, African-American actor etc", or something similar. This way, you highlight the irony of the joke more, because you're making it clear that all Rock ever talks about is issues of race.
Another joke I feel doesn't work too well is in the Stand Up Success section. You refer to the Emmies as "African emmerican", which seems a bit silly and not keeping with the fairly realistic nature of the article. Perhaps it would be better if you said he won some Emmies in made up African-American-themed categories (like some kind of 'Richard Pryor award for outstanding contribution to racial stereotypes' - you get the idea).
The Film and Television section is a bit listy and doesn't add much. The only realy funny bit I felt was the synopsis of The Longest Yard. Maybe you should reduce this part to a short prose section about key performances (i.e. Dogma, Madagascar), still keeping up with the idea that all his characters are the same. Also in this section, you talk about Everybody Hates Chris, mentioning in passing how he suffers the worst racial steretypes known to man. I haven't seen the show, and had no idea what you were talking about, it might help to make this more accessible. Who are these stereotypes? And how do they relate to the version of Rock you're trying to present?
Your section on The 77th Academy Awards could do with trimming. Personally, I would get rid of the Jude Law bit, as I don't feel it really tells any jokes you haven't already made, but it's your choice of course, maybe you could develop it with some of the ideas I will suggest in Concept.
In Comedic Style and Views, you claim Rock has "pointed out the differences between black people and aliens?" This also sounds a bit silly, and I wondered, did he actually do this? I thought something like "difference between black people and other black people" might work better (which he definitely does do). This punchline, I feel, makes a little bit more sense and is about as unexpected as the seemingly random "aliens". Obviously, if you're basing this on a real joke he's made, it might just need clearing up to make it work.
Another part I would trim in here is the bit about him being critical of actors like Samuel L. Jackson etc, unless you can get more jokes in there. Claiming Robert Downey Jr. is a black man is a joke I've heard many-a-time.
Overall, there is some really funny stuff in here, and you do Rock justice. I acknowledge that it's hard to write something funny about comedy itself, but you've done well. The use of links for instance was great, particularly in the opening sentence of Comedic Style and Views secion. You may be thinking that I've told you to cut a lot out, however, but in Concept I will make suggestions on how to trim this without making it too short.
|Concept:||7||Your concept is generally good and for what it's worth, I actually learned a few things about Chris Rock. I think that you can get a lot more out of this however, mainly in regards to the irony of Chris Rock actually being quite racist, which is an idea you hint at already.
For instance, you obliquely reference Rock trying to incite a black genocide (this part is confusing, what do you mean by it exactly?), then later you also mention the theory of him just being a racist white guy in prostethics. This is an interesting idea but is very underdeveloped, in its current state it's barely noticeable. It feels like your edging towards a joke without actually making it. You could try expanding this to find more jokes at Rock's expense, satirising and exaggerating his hypocrisy. If you remove some of the weaker parts I pointed out, this could become a good running joke to replace them.
|Prose and formatting:||7||As usual your spelling and grammar are good, there are a few minor problems with prose and clarity, but nothing major. I will take you through them one at a time.
First the prose problems, starting with Stand Up Success. There is quite a confusing sentence in here, the one that ends: "African-American respectively" - that last bit that I quoted didn't seem to be there for any reason. Remove that, and the sentence seems to make sense (if there's something I'm missing here, you probably have to make it clearer).
Then in Film and Television you say he is "still not satisfied by race card deployments." This is rushed, you need to explain exactly what these race card deployments were as I couldn't really figure it out.
Again in 77th Academy Awards, there is a confusing sentence. You say Rock rambles "about how black people have to struggle". This just sounds awkward, tidy it up. Something like: "rambled about the African-American plight," for example.
Finally, there are two little slips in your encyclopaedic tone, I won't patronise you by explaining why that's problematic sometimes. The line: "Nigger and Blacker" in Stand Up Success is one such example. I would suggest just leaving it as "Nigger and Blacker", rather than swearing suddenly and correcting it. I found that title funny by itself, and the correction (particularly when paired with the swearing) spoils the flow. This happens again when you use the strikethrough on the word "crackers" in Saturday Night Live. I would suggest you change the wording here, maybe to a quote from Rock about how, despite their friendship, he was critical of the fact that they were not African-American. This will keep your tone encyclopaedic and your character racist.
|Images:||6||Your images are fine but a lot of them (particularly near the start) are plain, unfunny pictures of Rock. I feel your first two images, at least, miss opportunities to be funny. Later on, you have an excellent series of images and captions which riff on the line from Dogma about black people being written out of the Bible. I would recommend you do this throughout the article, from the start, with Rock's rants becoming even more hypersensitive and absurd.
However, I suggest removing the Bale picture - I know it's like your signature to put one of these in every article but I think you could replace it with a similar, but more relevant, joke.
|Final Score:||35||Right, so like I say, this is another great article and I think with a bit of trimming in the weaker parts and some expansion in the bits related to Rock's own racism, it could be truly awesome. I'll probably read it again in the future to see how it's going, but even if you pay no attention to what I say it's still a nice piece for your bibliography. Get back to me if you have any questions or want an opinion on something I haven't mentioned.|
|Reviewer:||--Hugs and kisses, Black_Flamingo 23:51, January 25, 2010 (UTC)|