Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Chief executive officer
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Howdy, i've done this for UN:REQ, I hope that its amusing in its own bitterly cynical way and is a suitable arilce for CEO (I've moeved it to the wikipedia and redirected the Acronym. Does not have to be too in depth, just a seocnd opinion on the aricle would be heplful and any ways whcih it can be improved. Thanks for having a look:)--09:55, February 2, 2010 (UTC)
- I'm in here now, 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 00:22, February 10, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||OK, the humour here isn't too bad, and there are some amusing parts to the article but at the same time there are some problems that are making this one harder to enjoy. The first thing that struck me upon finishing your article was that despite having read the whole thing, I was still unsure what the main driving focus of the article had been, you may wish to blame this on me being thick, but I thought that the structure was somewhat incoherent and not particularly conducive to your humour. Permit me to expand; the sections in your article are obviously there to explain who and what a CEO is in the manner you desire for the article, however each of your sections doesn't really connect to the others and they all seem to be driving at something different. My problem was that as I finished your preamble and moved into the first section I was anticipating the continuation of either the trait of abusing large amounts of power or the inhuman nature of CEO's to be used here, but instead you begin writing about something completely separate. You return to some of these themes later in the article but only briefly, for example when you say "Well many CEOs do good things, for instance they often say thank you to the plebeian who squeezes their toothpaste" that is the sort of thing I would like to see more of since it exploits what we already know for the humour. If you take a look at some of the featured articles on similar topics to this you will notice that they all tend to have a theme behind them and that all the humour is geared towards this theme. As far as your article goes my feeling was that you have a theme, that CEO's are essentially psychopathic and evil, but you are trying to reach it in such a way that your humour doesn't seem to be driving in this direction.
My recommendation is that you go back and take a second look at the whole article and you try to establish a running joke, running jokes are really useful for guiding both your writing and a reader's interpretation of the article so the absence of an obvious one in your article marks a significant point for improvement. My advice for coming up with a running joke for your article is to work with what you have written down already, consider the existing jokes you are making in the sections and try to find a common element that they all share, it is also worth considering writing an entirely new set of jokes into the article just to bind things together a bit more. I'm not trying to say that what you have done is utterly lacking in humour, because it isn't, as I will expand on below, but rather you are trying to get the point of the article across by using each of the sections to present a different aspect of the character, and while this does work to an extent it doesn't get your humour across as well as if you steadily built it up.
The issues above aside there are a couple of other problems that you might wish to have a second look at. I noticed that on a couple of occasions you tend to throw a lot of jokes at the reader, in the "History and Purpose" section particularly, there are different jokes from sentence to sentence, there is no real necessity for this, it tends to overwhelm the reader and jokes cease to be amusing, try slowing things down and pruning a couple out. What I am essentially recommending here is that you carefully, and with the help of HTBFANJS if you feel it is necessary, go through and make sure that the article doesn't overwhelm at certain points. I won't go on about this further since you have plenty here to look at. Remember your humour isn't bad, it the way it is being presented is what is causing the problem, sort this and the article will get much better very swiftly.
|Concept:||7||The concept is OK, but the tone is letting you down here. You started very well on this one and I certainly wasn't anticipating the problems that you run into later on. It is a simple matter of deciding whether or not you want to use the encyclopaedic tone or whether you want to be informal. You are being predominantly encyclopaedic here so I would recommend changing some parts of the article to make sure it fully conforms to this tone, try to avoid being informal and starting sentences as though the narrator of the article is speaking to the reader, the whole point of the encyclopaedic tone is to present the information carefully, and to be subtle when presenting a view or opinion. If you want a good example of some excellent ways to do it take a look at this article as it does it very well. Otherwise not much to say on this one, as I already said, you made a good start, you just need to replicate it through the rest of the article.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Generally good on this one, the spelling and grammar is of a pretty high standard and I could only find a couple of errors, the best thing I can recommend to you is to proofread your work carefully just to make sure you get any of these errors. Good practice in doing this would be to carefully check any new edits you make to your humour as spelling errors and grammar problems can really cause problems for your article. Beyond that my main recommendations regard your image formatting, it is generally good. My main problem is that formatting as you are encourages the images to cover the entire side of the article, just make sure that if you are doing this the images are sized correctly to remove any major white space. That is the majority of the formatting problems.|
|Images:||8||Your images are generally good, beyond the formatting problems I mentioned above I think the only thing that you should do now is to take a look at your captions; you need to make sure that they fit with your humour and your tone, since you could go in any direction you like with your humour I will not suggest things that you should do, I am only attempting to remind you of the importance of your captions to your images. My general feeling is that if you sort the humour in the main body of the article and then see what you can do with the captions with regard to linking up the humour, then you will have a far easier job.|
|Miscellaneous:||6||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||33||I think that you have some excellent ideas here and that you should definitely work to bring these ideas out in your article, currently a reader has to focus carefully to extract the humour from the article, if you can remedy this problem then the article will be infinitely better. All you need here is to make some careful edits to the article, if done properly this should exponentially improve the article very quickly. If you have any questions or comments then feel free to leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 12:46, February 10, 2010 (UTC)|