Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Cheerios (2nd review)

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edit Cheerios

Somewhat expanded. User:Sequence had some constructive comments that I incorporated. Nevertheless, I feel like this needs more work; the problem, of course, is that I don't know which way. MacManiasig.png MacManiasig-cheerios.png MacManiasig-holmes.png MacManiasig-starwars.png MacManiasig-firefly.png MacManiasig-pixar.png MacManiasig-oregon.png MacManiasig-lesmiz.png MacManiasig-doctor.png 16px-HalLogo.png Portal16px.png UncycLensFlare16px.pngDalek16px.png 16px-ChekhovSig.png16px-JapanSig.png Sir MacMania GUN 23:38, 2 August 2009 (UTC)

Cheerios

Needs Help: No. It's Brilliant.
VFH Nom: After a little refining
Liked by Zheliel: Of course.

Comments
no comment

Decided to review (: zh I hate me new sig 10:30 August 3

Humour: 7.9292 Opening Paragraph - Not everyone would be as hardworking as me to find out what avenasativa is. Its pretty nice to combine avena sativa together to make cheerios. Maybe you'd like to put in a reference about oats? You do that by typing <ref>Flappy woo-ha</ref> in which Flappy Woo-ha is what you can type. I'll include a reference[1] at the back so you can see how it works. Maybe you'd like to be very sure that the FDA would accept Cheerios as a medication for hypercholesterolemia.[2] Wait. maybe this should be in concept. Whatever. Maybe you would like to add more cereal related stuff instead of just clumping together and floating around? Maybe you can add that it also turns soft and tastes weird after a while. I have no idea.

Breakfast Cereal - It's cool. A bit funny, I would say. So Cheerios spelled Doom for the sweet products. Maybe you would like to metion "horrified faces as they realized that Honey Stars was bankrupt!" or "Kellogg's Grandfather died in faint due to the overwhelming popularity of Cheerios."

Controversy - Ah. Action. But maybe you'd like to elaborate why FDA took a year to notice the claim. Maybe you could put that "FDA never had any reason to scrutinize breakfast cereals, but a little girl mailed a letter to her father in FDA asking him how Cheerios reduced cholesterol levels." Then they noticed. Then they decided to scrutinize cereal boxes.

Pharmacology - Why don't you change the "disgusted with food" to "disgusted with all food except Cheerios, thus increasing Cheerios' sales profit." Trials is very funny. You don't need to edit that. But isn't 500 cheerios too much? Usually it would be 50 or something. 500 is way to extreme. 100 would be best. Then there would be 5 meals per packet. For adverse effects, maybe you'd like to include something about how somebody would be attracted to Cheerios.

Advertising - Maybe you would like to include why they don't sell Cheerios in other states. Give a random reason. Maybe you;d like to include that General Mills doesn't bother to sell Cheerios out of the US due to "ethnic differences".

The Cheerios Kid - Maybe you can add something about Cheerios and Spinach together. Maybe you would also like to say that the group discovered after a long period of time. Sway the article in Cheerios' favour.

References -
  1. See?
  2. I checked wikipedia. Your article is right. I give in.
Concept: 7.4 Opening Paragraph - Builds up the content, but maybe you would like TISB (to include some brackets) to tell the reader what abbreviations like FDA and LDL mean. I can't really be bothered to check, but yeah.

Breakfast Cereal - Hmmm, the article says it was first marketed as Cheerios, but the opening paragraph says it was first marketed as Cheeri Oats. Hmmm.

Prose and formatting: 8.49 Generally - It's a "beautiful" article. Very nice shape, but a few mistakes here and there.

Opening Paragraph - I guess you proof-read your article already, it's in tip-top shape. Not a blemish. Purrfect. Or so I think.

Breakfast Cereal - I think you have to capitalize Organic Cheerios (line 3; word 11; Cheerios as breakfast cereal)

Controversy - There should be a "has". In "...General Mills has also..." (line 12; between word 4, 5; FDA controversy)

Lowering Cholesterol - I thought it was iambic perimeter? Maybe I'm wrong.

Images: 7.4449 First Image- Good, shows the cholesterol thing. A "not-supposed-to-be-funny" picture, but it serves its purpose.

Second image - as per modus, the cheerios are relatively small. If you say that the container is a box, the bowl is ultra big then. Which doesn't make sense. But its funny anyway.

Charlie Brown - I love this image. What was the original person? Anyway, it's great. Fabulous.

Miscellaneous: 7.8 Averag'd
Final Score: 39.0641 Not bad, my preview says 39.0something. My highest score yet i think. Or was it six hats? I think it's this.
Reviewer: zh I hate me new sig 12:21 August 3
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