Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Cesare Borgia

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edit Cesare Borgia

Sarbriel 23:37, January 2, 2012 (UTC)

I'll do it, Sarbiel, give me like a week (yes, I'm lazy!) Snowflake mini Mattsnow 13:58, January 15, 2012 (UTC)
Humour: 6.5 Hi Sarbiel, I really think it is a great effort you put out here, I'm gonna try to add suggestions and point out places I think could be better. Also, you have to know that I don't know at all Cesare Borgia historically and I have not played Assassin's Creed Revelations (I have the first one and want to play them in order), so your article will basically be the only info I have on the bloke.

First of all you have a good prose, it's great. One of the main problem I think with the humor of the article is the repetition of the "That didn't happen" theme, as it could be funny a couple of times, but it seems the whole article is based on that. It almost seems you are telling me basically the plot of Assassin's Creed Revelations regarding this guy while inserting from time to time "but that ain't true". But it shows promises nevertheless.

I'll break the article down section by section:

Intro

The intro is great, I lolled at this concept: "Rodrigo/Alexander VI was a skilled pope, but for some reason people who messed with him" That's great, you manage to make some great jokes with that. The second paragraph is good until the avalanche of names: Rodrigo, Lucrezia, Sforza, Juan, Duke of Valentinois. I mean, maybe it's not confusing to people who played the game, but it sure is to a guy who didn't like me and has limited intellect! Please simplify just a bit.

Early Awesomeness and Siege of some city

I like the subtle references to the game like the Assassins that can jump from high places right into haystacks. The whole concept of "that didn't happen" starts here, it is not too annoying yet lol. Also, it feels like I said earlier, that you are really passing along the plot of the game with some success at jokes in-between.

Later escapades and Decline

Well, it kinda continues as I just described, except now the "that didn't happen" concept is starting to be very tedious, even though it shows that you split your brain in half to try to prolong this concept without it becoming totally boring. Still, there are good jokes squeezed in between, but it still feel like a slightly altered version of the official plot I could read on Wikipedia. Don't be afraid to invent things and exaggerate! We don't give a shit about the real story lol! :D

The rest

Is more of the same concept, the question is do you really like that concept that much and think that it'll at least suck in the people who know the game? It's funny in parts, especially when you drift away from the plot's narration and don't find a way to squeeze in another "that didn't happen"

Concept: 5 Please see the humor section, I basically gave you my opinion about it there! :) You should make it more like the intro and less like true storytelling.
Prose and formatting: 7.5 You have an overall great prose, here are some things I noticed:
You use the word "crazies" awfully often, especially in the first few paragraphs. Consider replacing it with synonyms.
In the "decline" section, you use "assassin" 2 times in a row, which doesn't sound too good, consider rephrasing it maybe.
Images: 6 The images are not bad at all, but what is really striking is that they are all aligned on the right side, I think it doesn't look too great. You can put |left|in the code of the pic to make it appear on the left and like this, the article will become more pleasant to the eye I think.

The pics with these captions are totally worthless in my view, since they are unfunny or it's absolutely impossible to distinguish what's on it since the size is too small: "This is one of their so-called lies" and "This never happened. Cesare was not thrown by a white-hooded man". The others are good, I like the first one, it has a funny caption, and all the others are not funny because of the pic itself but because of the good caption you added.

Miscellaneous: 6 How I'd rate the article so far, but you can improve it since it shows you are a good writer.
Final Score: 31 Overall, I think a person who doesn't know the game will find this article a little better than average, but not much more, like me. An Assassin's Creed Revelations afficionado may totally love it, I don't know. I think the major points to improve are the pics as I said, the feeling that you are telling the official plot should be reworked, don't be afraid to invent things and exaggerate like hell! That would really help you to distance yourself from the "that thing didn't happen, it's BS" concept. It shows a lot of promise though, because you obviously have good grammar and prose, you just need to let your imagination work a bit more and not be afraid to invent ridiculous crap, since nobody here cares much about the truth. I hope that helped and keep in touch, Sarbel. I'll be happy to help you whenever you need help.
Reviewer: Snowflake mini Mattsnow 19:26, January 15, 2012 (UTC)
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